Dancing Through Life

Goodbye to a crazy, unpredictable year.

2011-12-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

I am not the least bit sad to see 2011 to go. Don't get me wrong, you've been really good at teaching me things this year. I am thankful 2011 happened, but would love if I never experienced another year like it. This year you gave me challenges I never wanted to go through. I went through them and now I bid them adieu.

In March you gave me a class that change my perspective on just about everything in life. You changed my perspective on culture and how to adjust to culture. You changed my perspective on food. You changed my perspective on ministry and relationships. You prompted some big changes in my life. This is one of the things about 2011 that I can't thank you enough for giving me. It was a challenging blessing. It was so necessary in order for me to become the me you created me to be. Oh and thanks for letting me learn this in a great setting- NYC!

In May, two spectacular things happened. One is bad, one is good. Let's start with the good. You let me graduate from college! I said goodbye to early classes, long exegeticals, and impossible tests! Goodbye "student" life- hello real life! You gave me a great blessing...my college degree. I couldn't be more thankful.

But unfortunately, May 22 is a day I remember even better than the previous day. I mean, I learned a lot through that. I am thankful for the lessons learned but I would never say I am thankful for the devastation and lives lost. Thank you for challenging my emotional and physical strength, and the ability to support my husband who saw and did much more in those weeks than I did. I grew a lot, but I wish it would have never happened. But I think everyone learned something about Joplin in 2011 too: That town is full of strength and hope that nothing could ever destroy. Thanks for letting the nation see that.

In June you prompted me to be proactive and change my life. Thus began the 6th months of weight loss for me. Besides my graduation, it's the biggest accomplishment in 2011- one of the biggest in my life too. 6 months and 25 lbs lighter- 2012 will not see an overweight me! I thank you for that. I have never felt better about my physical, emotional, and spiritual health. This change began in mid-June and I am so excited to start 2012 as a better me! And although I don't have the classic before and after photos like on the infomercials, you can see a snapshot of what we have both accomplished physically in 2011:

Before:

And after:

In August, we did the unthinkable. We moved to Owasso. You blessed me with a great job and amazing bosses. You blessed us with amazing time with family. You blessed us with the lesson of flexibility and patience. You broke our confidence and our hearts at times. Doors were opened and doors were closed. And I mean every door we knocked on. But we know there's one that is appropriate for us to walk to- I am just praying that we find that door in 2012.

Here we are anxious for 2012 and what it holds for us. I can name a few things I want 2012 to give us, but after the unpredictable year we just had, all bets are off. The door is open for whatever you want to do. We are all ears, ready to go. But if we are supposed to wait, we are ready for that to. Lead us where you want and we will go. In 2011 you showed us how you provide and how the safety of leaning on you is so much better than any earthly security we could ever have.

With all of our love,

Tyler and Abigail Lane

As of lately...

2011-12-26T16:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, it has obviously been awhile. For more than one reason I have refrained from blogging. Mostly for my own sanity because I assumed every blog before a job came along would be full of complaining of our unemployment lifestyle. From time to time throughout this unemployment, different things happen to trigger some pretty heavy thankfulness from me. Basically, I am overwhelmed by how God has chosen to take care of us.

Last January we began looking lightly for a youth ministry to move on to when Tyler's interim ministry came to an end. In April we began to search heavily. Since then we have been moving non stop to try and decipher God's plan for our lives. The farther along we get, the more we realize it is not something for us to decipher but rather waiting on God to reveal his plan for our lives.

Time and time again I am reassured that we are following God's leading in our lives. About mid July we decided to move home which I think was not necessary something we had to do but something that seemed right for us at the time. While my heart yearns for the relationships I left behind in Joplin, I couldn't be more thankful for the lessons God has taught us in Owasso. Each time we return to Joplin, I am reminded of relationships that will always mean the world to me. It's always great to catch up with students and see how well they are doing. I love those kids, but I am longing for new kids to love on and grow with.

My main thoughts over the last couple of days is that I may have anticipated this time of sabbatical to be one of emptiness and desert. I thought it might be a time of depression and anxious yearning for the next thing. While there are definitely moments of these feelings, there are a thousand more moments of complete fullness and joy. My heart is constantly being filled by words that God has given to different authors and mentors who have passed them on to me. (Not to mention that I am pretty sure a wonderful author (Shauna Niequist) wrote the book Bittersweet for me in this exact season of life. It pretty much brings me to tears each time I read the truth my soul needs.)

Tyler and I are currently "house sitting" or I guess, "fish sitting" for some new friends we've made. While feeding their cute little Beta yesterday, I noticed that my friend Brittany had written "Where God guides, God provides" on a white board in their kitchen. It's almost as if God had her write those words for me so that I could accurately relate what I am feeling right now. That is just it, he's been guiding us all along and I assure that he has never stopped providing for us. It fills my heart to know that that simple truth will never run out of accuracy and that as long as we are following his lead, he will provide all that we need.

We're home!... For now

2011-08-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it has almost been a week since Tyler and I officially left Joplin for the final time. Of course we plan to visit, but now our home is somewhere else. It's weird to talk about it being home because well, it is home to me but it's not really home to us... And we are definitely hoping it's not home for long. Not because it's a bad situation, because it's great. But because Tyler really wants to be in ministry and we are ready for God's next big adventure for us.

Learning how to live in a new town is difficult... Yet for me it's not because this town is not new to me at all. But it's almost like I have to re-learn daily life in this town. My life is drastically different than last time I lived here (ahem, the whole husband thing) so it's a very different situation than ever before.

I have a part-time job with some really fun and Jesus loving people which is great and a HUGE blessing. God dropped this one in my lap, I couldn't be more thankful. Tyler is working on finding a job and will hopefully get something that he can still be passionate about while he is in transition from one ministry to the next.

We describe this time as a transition for a reason. We can't describe it as long-term, but we really don't know how temporary it is. I have to remind myself daily that while ideally we would be moving on in the next couple of months, it might be longer. God has led us here on purpose and he will lead us somewhere else. While it is important for us to focus on the future (finding a job), I need to remember to be focused on here. We get to see family, be involved in a great church, and work jobs that we can enjoy for a little while. There really is no reason why our lives can't be full of fun and passion while we are here, in our transitional state!

2011-07-31T20:53:00.000-07:00

In the past month I have...

-Packed up and moved out of my very first apartment and very first home with Tyler (don't worry, Tyler is coming too!)
-Moved about 90% of our personal belongings to Owasso
-Accepted a much needed (gift from God) temporary job in Owasso
-Began to become very sad about leaving Joplin.

Man, what a strange thing it is to leave one home to go to another. The only two places I have ever really considered home are Owasso and Joplin. So much has changed within me since moving to Joplin, that moving back to Owasso seems a bit scary at times. I am not at all the person I used to be, for starters I am moving back to Owasso with a husband. It's just weird to move back home from the place I now know and love as my home.

I never knew I would be so terribly sad over leaving Joplin. I knew I loved Joplin as my new home but especially after church today and speaking with several students and their parents about us leaving, I am genuinely bummed to be leaving. There are so many students that I have just started relationships that I am dying to see all the way through high school. There is a student I got to see through three years of high school but am departing for her senior year. There are students I am sending off to college and wish I would be in Joplin for when they return for weekend visits.

I'm prepared for things like handling finances, I'm prepared to help students when they ask tough questions, I am prepared to be a minister's wife and all that it entails, but what I don't feel prepared for is how to leave a ministry. It's an incredibly hard process to say goodbye to students that I want to be here for. I know that God will protect them and guide them and provide the adults they need. But it's still extremely hard. It's hard to know what to say when a parent comes up and expresses their sadness over us leaving, even though we all know that it is best and that God's got something coming our way. It's still just so hard.

I thought that since everyone around us knew it was coming- that we wouldn't be in Joplin much longer after a full time youth minister was hired- that maybe it would make it easier. But it's still one of the saddest goodbyes I have ever had. I think there's a point to which I can be sad, but then there's a point in which I have to trust God enough to know that these students will flourish even after we are gone. I want to have a hand in it and I want to help control it, but the fact is that I can't. All I can pray is that the seeds we have planted will be watered by people that enter their lives in the future. I know it's not us that has made the difference but just what God has been able to do through us. It's never been my power that has done anything good but God's power through me. And God's power will still reside in Joplin through others after I am gone. These students will still be loved after Tyler is no longer their youth ministry. Now I must realize that God's got some other students for us to love.

Back to uncertainty

2011-07-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough month. Tyler and I have had to make lots of decisions, not necessarily fun ones. We have received prompting by our circumstances to hurry some decisions along, and here we are. On the verge of another (and quite unexpected) adventure.

I admit that for awhile, I was feeling pretty discouraged. I think it's really hard to be wanting to do ministry but no where to do it. It's easy to get the mindset that because we want to serve God through vocational ministry that he would just provide a ministry at the drop of a hat. But what has become even more clear as the moments pass is that we have the right ministry, the right fit.

I know it's coming. These days I am feeling a bit more optimistic. Maybe it's because we are starting fresh with some churches, the churches we were interested in before have since moved in different directions, I don't know. I think it's just the exciting possibility of it coming soon has come back in to view. Again, I find myself a little more excited rather than fearful of the unknown. I am relying heavily on God to provide this optimism and joy to get me through, and I am glad to say he is providing like crazy.

It all ends...

2011-07-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

There are so many thoughts and life events I want to blog about, but unfortunately these important real-life situations must wait until later this week, or perhaps next week after my life has settled down a bit. Although, I am not sure it will actually feel settled until about 3 weeks from now.

When I was in 5th grade, we had a reading time after lunch. This was not individual reading, but my teacher, Mrs. Tingiris, would read a book out loud to us. When she began Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, I had no idea what that book would mean to me one day. Back then it was not a big deal for a Christian to read this innocent book.

I wasn't much of a reader until 8th grade. In 8th grade I decided to pick up Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets and see where this story went after it's start. I quickly read through each Harry Potter book available at that time. By the time the fifth book arrived in stores, I was one of the loyal fans who rushed to the store on the day it could be sold and spent all of my time reading until I was finished. I remember that I finished Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by the second night I had it, well, I guess early morning of the third day. I stayed up as late as possible to finish it.

I give a lot of credit to J.K. Rowling when it comes for my love to read fiction stories. I am not a huge fan of fantasy and have tried to read other books, but there's something so captivating about a fantasy book taking place in our world. There was something so captivating about this story that was born out of a mother's love for her child.

There was a time when Christians who read Harry Potter were criticized for reading "witchcraft". It has always astounded me because those people clearly had never read Harry Potter and had no idea that this story could have been born without the spells and magic. That this story was one of a mother who loved her child and sacrificed herself for him. That it was this son's will to restore the world back to good, to rid the world of evil. Sure, it's more exciting, adventurous, and thrilling with all of the spells and ideas of a world of magic but I would hardly attribute the best qualities of this story to anything with magic. The best qualities are the ones of grace, redemption, and love... and trust me, there is so much of each in these stories.

I was so bummed to go to the movie today knowing it is my last opportunity to re-live how it felt the first time I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (by FAR my favorite of the 7!). But I left so satisfied and reminded that how it ended was perfect and I wouldn't want it to go on any longer, because all was resolved and all was well.

Harry Potter is so dear to my heart because it got me to a state where reading was (and still is) my favorite pastime. I long for the day when I feel my children are old enough to comprehend this fantasy world (mostly comprehend that it is just that-a fantasy) and decide to spend their time, energy, and emotion in reading such great stories. Sure, there will be others, maybe some just as good, just as there are old fantasy favorites of so many. I hope that I have at least one child that will enter this world and love it as much as I do. Until then, I will talk Tyler's ear off with details of this fantasy world not seen in the movies until he decide to pick up the books himself.

Time to think and time to grow

2011-07-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

Tyler and I hoped that we would be moving somewhere to start a new youth ministry no later than early June. Obviously, our plan was the not the plan that worked out. Waiting on God to provide for us what we really want has been really difficult. But it has definitely allowed us to see more clearly how he provides our for us in the ways we truly need.

My job was technically supposed to end with graduation. The bookstore only hires students and actually they don't typically hire anyone for the summer. My boss was so gracious to me and allowed me to stay on for this summer. It's not the most thrilling job but it's a job I know I can leave on short notice if we are called somewhere else, and it's also a simple job that helps get the bills paid. I desperately needed a job as Tyler's job (hours and pay) was changing a lot mid-May. God provided a lot by allowing me to keep my job.

We knew that if we were going to be in Joplin, we needed to surround ourselves with friends that we could really relate to. This whole year we haven't had a lot of friends that are really in the same stage of life as us and that has been hard. We were both so busy during the school year so finding a new life group or something was not something that got to happen. At the end of the semester we were approached about joining a life group, led by a couple who wanted to be there for young couples in the middle of transition. We have only been able to meet three or four times so far, but it's so refreshing to meet with couples who are as in awkward situations as we are. Relationships are so important and God provided a very specific group of people that we could walk through this weird time with.

For a few months, Tyler and I saved all of the money that would typically go to paying off my student loans for what we call "surplus" because we knew this summer would be tough financially. We anticipated having to use it starting June 1. Well. Here's the thing. Somehow, God provided more money than we planned for because not only have we had to use very little of that amount- we added to it! We actually had extra money. I think we will need it later this month, but God provided extra hours and a strange pay period so that we will be able to last on our two part time jobs a little bit longer.

Sure, we have been a bit frustrated. All Tyler wants is to do God's will and to do ministry somewhere. But here's the thing, I am not even close to say that God hasn't been with us and watching over us this whole time. He provides the the things we need while we wait. I am so thankful that we didn't jump to find ways to provide for ourselves, but allowed ourselves to live a little more simply and see how God can provide some great things. Perhaps it is because we cannot provide these things for ourself that we can see God more clearly working right now. I know that he will let us do ministry. I know that he has places in mind that we would best serve him, and we will wait. But it's a great joy of mine to reflect on the simple ways he provides while we wait. We are not alone.

It continues...

2011-06-27T08:34:00.000-07:00

Everytime Tyler and I get semi-negative news regarding a full-time job, temporary job, or even housing, I keep thinking that will be the last thing. That the next news we get has got to be good news. Well, I've been wrong most of these times. Don't get me wrong, several really great things have happened in the past 2 months, God has obviously been providing in ways we never thought he would. We are so grateful for his provision and care in our lives.

But now life gets interesting. In the next month or so we have to make some decisions. They could be easy, no-brainers, but they could be quite complicated. All I am saying is that Tyler and I are in need of great prayer as we have to decide what is best for us in all areas of life. Life is very good and God is so good to us, but life is also extremely awkward right now. Transitions are quite the tricky little situations to get through.

As I look forward to the next month, I can honestly say I have no idea where we will be living, working, and worshipping God. No idea at all. I've thrown all stability out the window for the next month. And now I just ask that anyone who reads these words is praying diligently that God will continue to provide and surprise us as he has been for the past year. I ask that you pray that when we do have to make decisions, we will have great guidance and make good choices. Thank you so much.

One year!

2011-06-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

A year ago today (June 11th) I was still wondering if I was really going to get to marry Tyler the next day. After meeting Tyler seven years earlier, I never thought it would actually happen. I knew for so long that I would marry Tyler eventually, but when that time came it still seemed too good to be true.

Here I am a year later about to celebrate my first year of marriage with Tyler. It's hard to believe that my life has changed so much in a year but it really has. I was such a different person a year ago and I am so much better off having spent a year living with and spending life with Tyler. Marriage is not something that either of us took lightly and I think that helped make it easier as we prepared to enter a covenant relationship.

So here's a look at our first year of marriage. I don't take a lot of pictures like I used to but I am sure I have some that will recap a lot of what we did!

We began our marriage by spending several days in Cancun. Best decision ever!

We went to a Springfield Cardinals game with our friends John Mark and Lesley!

We got to go to an OSU game and we both got new OSU shirts... my wardrobe is changing a lot (with the addition of more orange!)

Tyler got to meet my Khmer sister, Theara. This was quite a big deal to me as she represents much of the good in Cambodia.

We got to go to TWO OSU football games this year! It was my first Bedlam experience... and boy was it a crazy one.

We spent lots of time with my nieces!

We celebrated our first Christmas together and got to spend this Christmas Eve with my family.

We too our first mini-vaca to Branson for a couple of nights to do some shopping (at wonderful outlets!) and regroup before I started my last semester of college.

We experienced the biggest blizzard either of us have ever seen... 18 inches of snow and 3 days stuck in the apartment with no where to go! It was a blast!

We went on many dates to celebrate various things, and sometimes not celebrating anything in particular at all.

We got to celebrate my parents 30th anniversary by hanging out with my family and taking family pictures for the first time in a few years.

We celebrated the resurrection of our Savior... and we took our first porch pic!

We celebrated my graduation from college.

Unfortunately the next day we also experienced our town being hit with one of the most devastating tornados of all time. I don't have pictures to share because anyone who can read this blog has already seen them all. It is a part of our first year of marriage and hopefully the only year we have to face such devastation in a place we love so much.

This year has been the best. I can't thank Tyler enough for simply loving and caring for me as he leads us in life. It is a truly great experience to be married and to be married to someone who loves God and me so much that his whole life reflects that. Thanks Tyler, I love you!

Finally Summer!

2011-06-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

Summer started two weeks ago for me. But the first week of summer just didn't feel like summer. I spent almost every moment on edge for the next storm, sitting in front of our TV hanging on to every word the news stations would say to me, and crying a lot over what has been lost.

This week I started to finally feel the joy of my favorite time of year. The summer heat and humidity of this area is a wonderful feeling. Finally being able to wear summer clothes and use the heat as an excuse to eat ice cream everyday has released me from some of the anxiety I have been feeling over the past couple of months.

I am finally able to relax and focus on getting on track again. School is so consuming that so many things fall by the wayside- most importantly fun reading! I have finally been able to sit and read books that I picked out and will not have to write a report over or test over. Books that will benefit specific issues within myself that need molding into something better. In this first glorious week of summer, I have already come to many conclusions that I lost sight of during the school year.

Our life is not exactly what we had hoped for a year ago. God hasn't just given us an easy sign of where we are going and what we are doing. We both have part time jobs which means two things: not a lot of income and a ton of free time. I have been greatly enjoying all of the time I get to spend with Tyler right now. It's a blessing for sure.

But I definitely feel more excited about our unknown future. While it would be so awesome to know what God is doing right now, we know we have to continue to wait. Something about this made me excited again... excited that at this moment in time, God could take us anywhere to do anything. My God doesn't have limits- and we have put ourselves at his mercy. It's exciting to know that he is doing something (even though we have no idea what), and whatever he is doing is going to allow us to serve him wholeheartedly. It's scary to not have a full time job or know when our financial situation will get better... but as we have been saying for months: God has never abandoned us or not provided for us. He has continued to do so through this very moment and will continue to do so. Until then, we will prepare for God's awesome plan that he has for us.

Someone who has "normal" going on.

2011-05-31T12:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Tyler and I had the pleasure of delivering some needed items to a family who lost everything in the tornado. This family is very dear to the hearts of everyone in my family, so it was great to see them and be able to see how my family can bless them. One of the things the wife said to me was that it was good to see and talk to people who have "normal" going on, as their lives are extremely far from normal at this time. She said they have spent much time with people who are far from normal right now, so it's refreshing to be reminded that normalcy is still happening right now.

Well, what normal is for me in Tyler is even changing. This past weekend I was able to spend much time with my family and outside of the devestation that is Joplin. It was great to be in a town that is not mas chaos. It was great to not go out in public and be extremely aware that I am very clean and have nice clothes. Sometimes in the past week I have felt like I am in a different country because so much of this town is wearing someone elses clothes, digging through rubble all day, and not having the same hygiene situations as before. It's like being the minority in your hometown. Weird stuff. Anyway...

Normal for us means back to the grind of working part time and searching wholeheartedly for a place for Tyler to serve full time. Normal for us might mean Tyler working two part time jobs, me tossing around the idea of finding a job with more hours. Normal for us means constantly praying for God to open a door. I'm not gonna lie... right now would be a good time to leave Joplin as 4,000 jobs have been affected. Here we are, searching for a 3rd job in our family.

I know that God has kept us here for reasons. I know for a fact that God is working, but we are anxiously awaiting for him to reveal what he is doing. I am glad we are here so that we can serve this town. I know if we had moved recently we would be heartbroken not being in this place that we love and have called home for four and five years. So maybe that's a reason why we are here. Other things have happened too in the past week that make me reconsider why we are still in Joplin. Maybe we are here to minister in ways we did not anticipate ministering.

The main point of all of this is that even though our lives are continuing as normal right now, we are still trying to find our new normal... a normal without school, without one full time job, without much of a plan for the future. We are sure that God has a plan and that he is working and there is a purpose for us staying in Joplin for now. We are just waiting, waiting, and waiting some more for him to provide the means for us to survive in Joplin until we can leave.

Waiting is the worst. On the bright side, I get to wait with Tyler... and boy, does that make life interesting.

One of the weirdest experiences ever.

2011-05-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you about how weird Sunday was? So weird.

Tyler's parents left in the late afternoon. We both quickly fell asleep on our couch and loveseat. Graduation weekend was exhausting and our last guests had just left. I set my alarm to wake me up around 6 PM, but received a text message (and unfortunately my cell was not on silent) that woke me up. When I woke up proably around 5 or so, there was a constant rolling thunder. I went outside because it was sunny. I just stood outside watching lightning and darkness to the west and sunshine to the east. It was a very eerie thunder that took no break in between clap. It was weird but kind of cool.

I went back inside and the rain started. I watched the calm spring storm- one of the reasons why I love this part of the country so much. Quickly the storm picked up and the rain was not so calm, the winds came, and the hail came. But if I am honest- it was nothing to take cover from. This was the same storm we experienced a week earlier. I opened the door after the hail started and went outside, Tyler finally woke up to the noise the open door let in. We watched the storm and watched the news as they told us a tornado was approaching Joplin. The sirens went off so I stayed inside, but we did not experience any of the typical signs of a tornado- black clouds and sky, the noise of a train, or even a green sky.

At 6:11 PM Tyler got a text message from a mother of his friend who lives in Oklahoma. She informed us that she saw there was a devestating tornado in Joplin and wanted to check on us. We were both pretty shocked that something big had happened, we did not experience anything worth checking on. Not long later my best friend from high school, Whitney, texted me to check on us. She told me about the footage she was watching on TV- a hospital destroyed, bodies in the street, a main business street destroyed.. Again, I was so confused that anything worth checking on had happened. The texts and phone calls flooded in regarding our safety, and those were much appreciated. So many people in Oklahoma saw what happened here before we did, so as you can imagine we were anxious to start seeing the damage that was done.

It was so weird to not know how bad everything was when it was just a few miles away. It was so weird to receive our information via text message from people in Oklahoma who saw my town destroyed before I did. It was so weird to stand on my porch thinking about God's strength and the beauty of this world through the storm, while it was killing the people of my town. God protected us. And now he comforts those who lost loved ones.

When I woke up on Monday I was just confused. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't remember what. I had a bad feeling in my stomach but it took me awhile to figure out why. It wasn't until I began to check my social media outlets and noticed people talking about how Al Roker was in Joplin... oh yeah. That's why I feel so sad. I just cried for awhile before pulling myself out of bed to go downstairs and watch things like the Today Show report from a few miles away. Most mornings I have woken up early and not been able to fall back asleep. With our internet at home being out we have relied on our smart phones and the news to show us what is happening in town. It was not until this week that I actually listened to the radio in my car. I am so thankful we have so many outlets to keep us informed.
Today I am just so thankful for God's peace and presence among his people. He does not abandon us. He remains our refuge and strength no matter what is happening. My favorite verse is always helpful in times like these, I have relied on it a lot.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NLT)

What to say...

2011-05-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

I hardly have any words to describe everything I have felt for the past week, and more specifically the last three days. A friend of mine lost her husband last week. Then I celebrated graduating from college. Then the town I have called home for the past 4 years was leveled by several vortexes... All either EF4 or EF5 tornados. I am not one who has lived a life without tragedy. But every tragedy is different. This is one I never prepared myself for.

Obviously, Tyler and I are great. Our apartment was not touched. We saw some hail and rain and some wind but that's it. We kept hearing from friends and family in Oklahoma before we were even seeing anything on the news. All we knew was that a tornado hit and we knew the location but we had to get in our info elsewhere. It was a crazy night. It has been hard to rely on social media to know what is going on. But we are okay.

I've seen things I never thought I would see. And trust me, I have already seen a lot. But to see your town in utter devestation is hard to explain. It is also really weird to be scared by storms. I have lived my whole life in tornado alley. I can only recall two, maybe three times in my life that I actually took cover during threatening weather. Last night, we went across town to a basement. I can say that we are all shaken up- no matter how far we were from the tornado. The lightest wind and roll of thunder is a threat to us now. It's a scary feeling.

Thank you for praying and don't stop. 750 people are still missing. Obviously over 120 people are dead. Too many friends of mine have lost everything. Pray, pray, pray. Don't stop.

Graduation

2011-05-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been quite awhile since I blogged. I seem to always take a break while life is either: very busy or not going how I planned... which I guess has been both for the last month.

But today we shall focus on the fact that I graduated from college yesterday! Hooray!

I have been waiting for this for some time. But I truly have mixed feelings regarding ending my time at Ozark. Ozark has very easily become my home. I was just sharing with Tyler that it is going to be so strange to leave Joplin and not really have reasons to come back... once we leave we will be visiting Owasso, Stillwater, and Fayetteville... not Joplin. What a weird feeling to consider leaving the place that has morphed me in to who I need to be.

Graduation was a wonderful ceremony. At the Baccalaureate service on Friday night my parents were asked to share a testimony regarding how Ozark has influenced our family. It was so much fun to have my parents personally involved. They did such a good job sharing and also challenging my class to influence people in a good way- a way that will make them thirst for God and hopefully lead them to Ozark. It was a really really cool thing that I will never forget. It was a pretty cool thing for my parents to give my lifelong blessing to my whole graduating class. Oh yeah, not to mention that I was able to sit by Kara during Baccalaureate... how very appropriate and wonderful to reunite with her!

Commencement was also a great ceremony. Almost all of my family was there and honestly, that might have been what I looked forward to most! Having everyone (minus Joely) together is such a wonderful thing. It was nice to finally have things come to a close. The only time that made me very emotional was when we were asked to appreciate our professors. My professors are the reason why I don't want to leave this place. They care so deeply for each and every student and I feel like I still have so much to learn from them. What a blessing to be led by Godly men and women who want nothing but the best for me.

So, I can't believe it is done. I can't believe I won't be attending classes there again. I also can't believe we aren't on our way to a new adventure. Tyler and I are still waiting patiently for guidance and leading to wherever God wants us to go. We are so committed to serving him wholeheartedly where he can best use us... but waiting is definitely hard. At least for now we have had some great blessings through family and kindhearted bosses that want to help take care of us while our life is in an in between stage. God has definitely shown himself through this process. We are very certain that he is brewing something for us but that his timing is different than ours.

Until then we will love where we are and love the people here. We have a lesser role in the youth group now... but we have new opportunity to spend time with couples our age and I have a new opportunity for a Bible study. We will definitely be taking advantage of where we are and the great church that surrounds us. We know God is keeping us here right now for a reason, so we will use that. We want to bloom wherever we are planted, but we are still looking forward to whatever is next for us.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you, may he be compassionate and gracious, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24

They will see you before they see your Jesus

2011-04-12T14:20:00.000-07:00

Fashion. Its one of the driving forces of city life. Sure, people here in Joplin and other rural/suburban areas like to be fashionable. But honestly, it's not near as important to be up in the newest fashion here as it is in the city.

When it comes to reaching other cultures, I learned that it is important to meet the culture on surface levels. That when I go in to a new culture, if I am still dressed as my middle-class midwestern self, I am automatically setting myself a part from them. Now, I get there is a difference between indulging oneself in the culture and still not being of this world. I don't think the point is to adapt morals and views of this world. But strictly on surface levels- you've got to be who you want to reach.

Our learning experience for this topic was a trip to Bergdorf & Goodman. If you don't know anything about high fashion- this is the pinnacle. This is the top of high class/high fashion in New York City. It's on 5th Avenue, right next door to the Plaza. It's a fancy part of town- Tiffany's is just across the street. Our assignment was simply to go, browse, and try something on. In the past, groups from Missouri have been treated very poorly. One girl asked to try something on, but was refused "the right" to try something on because she could not pronounce the name of the designer. No joke. This is because the instant a middle class citizen walks in to that store, they automatically count you out. They know you are not buying anything but maybe want to see what it's like to wear something fancy, worth thousands of dollars. I get it though- I walk in to a homeless shelter and totally judge as well. Even though I don't treat them poorly, I have my own ideas and stereotypes about those people. There's no way that me walking in to Bergdorf & Goodman dressed as a middle class citizen from small town Missouri could ever reach those people for Jesus without making some lifestyle changes.

Our professor led by example when it comes to fashion. First thing I noticed when I met him was that he was fancy. That's the best word for it. Tailor-made suits, he matched his shoes to his belts, even sometimes his lasses. He just looked high class. Well, he has a financial company that helps with capital campaigns. He helps churches and schools raise money for building projects. Who do you think his target is for such projects? Middle class citizens? Maybe. Lower class citizens? Doubtful. High class? Most likely. He lives on Lakeshore Drive in Chicago- he's going after the people with the money. And that's how he dresses. I appreciated that example more than anything.

It's so funny- I never think about targeting the rich. To me that seems a little out of reach because I don't know how to meet the needs of a person in high society. It's because they don't have physical needs to be met. What they need is Jesus and they have no idea they even need anything but money.

He just kept telling us- They are going to see your clothes before you can even introduce them to Jesus. They are going to see your hair before they see your Jesus. They are going to see you before they see your Jesus. When it comes to reaching a different culture, people who are not Christians in this culture, are going to judge me before they judge my Jesus.

Let's Talk About Church

2011-04-09T14:22:00.000-07:00

While in New York we went to two different churches. One of these churches was multi-cultural. The people of their church are divided like this: 1/3 hispanic, 1/3 asian, 1/3 english speaking. Talk about a culture shock! We went to the hispanic/english service while a mandarin Chinese service took place in the lower part of the building.

Prior to the service we had the opportunity to have a small question/answer time with some of the pastors. During this time we got to see their heart for this city, ministry, and the community. It was during this time that I saw that the norm of how people view the church in this area is not the same as how the church is viewed in the mid-west. It's not that no one in the midwest holds this view, but I do think you will find their focus is a bit different.

I began to see that what happens in side the church walls is not the focal point of the things they do. This church does not have a single sign out side of it's walls, there are no advertisements in the city as other churches have. So our first question was: "How do you bring people inside the church?" Well, as it turns out, what happens out side of the church walls is what is important. Don't get me wrong- they love coming together as a community and family to worship and learn more about be a disciple of Christ. But what good is it if they are not sharing the love of Jesus Christ with the people of their community?

I do think churches do a good job of reaching out to the community. And I do think there must be a healthy balance because I find that church services are important. But I think at times, the service becomes the focal point because that is what church is in our culture. People living on Manhattan don't just go to church because it is the cultural norm, like people do here. So I get that there community outreach has to be their focal point in order to show people Jesus.

I just want my view of the church to reflect the model that this church in New York City laid before me. A model of the church being a great place for worship for the family, but if the church as a body is not focusing on what happens outside of the walls, what happens in the walls is missing something. It's easy to think that if we can just get people inside of the church, we can show them Jesus. But I want to remember in my own life that if I don't show Jesus to people while I am outside of the church walls, they probably won't ever make it inside the walls.

When I Became a Cultural Exegete

2011-03-31T13:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back from New York City. I must say, I have never had an experience quite like the one I had this time around in the big apple.

If you ask me what the best part was: it was class. This class challenged just about every avenue of my life. It challenged the way I have lived my life prior to March 24th and how my life will be lived from now on. It challenged my view of the city and of ministry in the city. It challenged my view of poverty and the term "inner city". It challenged what I eat, drink, wear, and buy on a daily basis. It has literally challenged just about every thought I have in my daily life here in Joplin.

Now, that sounds like a lot. It is a lot. But I am not kidding when I say it challenged every aspect of my life. Not in a radical-my whole life is going to be different-way. It changed it in a, do I really understand what drives me and why I make the choices I make? Or am I in zombie world, making decisions based off of routine and what my life is supposed to be? I do think my life will be/is different than before. Don't expect a radical change in my life, but just a version of me that is aware. I am now, and forever want to be a cultural exegete.

It's nearly impossible for me to express what I learned. I am having a hard time with that. I do classify this class and trip experience as one of the top three most influential experiences I have ever had. No joke. God stirred up a brand new passion in my heart. He opened my eyes to things that I did not see before.

Okay, enough of the class-talk! I will be re-living my every day experiences over the next several days. But it would all be pointless if I did not first express the great impact the actual class had on my life. Because that is the point. Yes, I did a ton of really fun and really cool things while I was there. But just as anyone asks me about my trip I first tell them that if they have the opportunity to take this class: they must. It is too important not to know how to exegete the city.

Making a plan with God in mind...

2011-03-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend Tyler and I had the great pleasure of spending a lot of time with my entire family. Joely came from Portland, The Smiths from Fayetteville, and us from Joplin. We were all brought together by two things: 1. Joel was coming home and that does not get to happen often and 2: We were able to celebrate my parents 30th anniversary. It is not until April, but only seemed appropriate that we celebrate while we could all be together.

I was SO super excited about being at my home church for once, it does not happen very often. Today my father continued through a series on the book of James. James is a great, practical book that I read through often. So many simple principles, so many important principles too. One of the points he made is that we need to make plans with God in mind.

It is no secret that Tyler and I are trying to make plans right now. I was almost comforted while challenged in this thought. Our soul focus while job searching has been God. We have not put hardly any limits on what we want including where we end up moving. What we care about is where God can use us best. We know that if we follow his plans for us, we will be used in the best ways possible and his kingdom will benefit more than if we follow our own plans. I have seen way too many people in my life make plans without God in mind- simply because they can. The more people I see planning around themselves rather than how God can use them, the more I know I do not want to do that. It's not even that I think God can't use us when we don't follow him closely. I think God can and will and does use us whenever we offer ourselves to him. But I think it is key to Tyler and I that we go exactly where he needs us, to do things only we can do, to fulfill a plan he laid out to us. Right now we are looking to him and saying "Where does this take us? What does this mean?" It's hardly about what sounds appealing to us in any way. There is a part of me that knows how scary this is- to surrender ourselves without limits of where we will go.... but the benefit of the kingdom is too great to ignore where he is taking us.

It's great to have a good phrase for what we are doing. We are making plans with God in mind. God is in the center of all of our plans. There is no other way to us, but his way. I think he allows us to make choices, but I know that there is a specific place that we can serve him best and we are seeking wholeheartedly for that place right now.

"Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.'" James 4:13-15

Busy, busy, busy!

2011-03-06T19:21:00.000-08:00

I know it has been awhile since I blogged. When life picks up, my blog is the first to be tossed aside.

So what has been keeping me so busy, you ask? Well, lots of things really!

First, homework. Being a senior has been good for me though. Not sure if I have mentioned it previously, but rather than any apathy taking place, the fact that I am so close to being done is pure motivation. I have so much excitement and energy to put in to my assignments. I recently turned in my last exegetical. This was a good feeling, but I know I still have several papers left. But like I said, I am completely motivated to finish strong! Graduation is only 75 days away!

Ministry is also a big part of our lives, obviously. This weekend we spent much time with the new high school minister and his family as they were introduced to sponsors, staff, elders, and the congregation. It has been a great time, I must say I really like the Hansen's and know they will do a great job at College Heights. They are so excited to be a part of all that College Heights is doing in the community. His passion is very apparent. While this weekend was great, it was very tiring. I am not quite the social butterfly that being a minister's wife forces me to be sometimes. It is quite tiring to be around people so much, but luckily I don't have to be around many people for a few days. This is good news!

We have been pretty busy looking for and praying about our next step. Now that CHCC has a new minister coming (and soon!) it makes us pretty anxious to figure out what's next for us. God has shown us a few opportunities. Unfortunately a lot of these opportunities mean waiting on churches to respond. We are both so confident though that this is in God's hands. While we are uncertain of where we might be in the next several months, we know that God has never not provided for us, so we know he will now. Basically, we have done all that we can do regarding seeking opportunities (and we continue to do this daily), so waiting is just a part of the process!

As I said, Tyler and I both know that God is faithful. This whole transition at CHCC has been his plan and he continues to plan for us and will open doors for us. It's not the easiest or most peaceful of times, but I know that this will produce growth and change in our lives that will allow us to serve him even better in a new venue. The fact that he has something in mind for us that he is working out for us is really exciting. I trust no one more than I trust God to provide for us.

A Little Snowy-Nostalgia

2011-02-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, when I was just a wee little freshman at OCC, preparing for my first ever college finals... the unthinkable happened! The great ice storm of '07 came and took finals away from me and it was great. School ended a week early and it is said to be the most astounding cancellation OCC has ever made. I never thought I would live to see another astounding cancellation... but I have.

This past week was a fun one. While some people complained of boredom, or of wasting our money because we couldn't go to class for a week, I made the best of it. First of all- not bored. Ever. Not once did I think, gee I would really love to be driving in this mess to school. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE class. I seriously do. But a random week of not waking up until 9:30 or 10? Hallelujah! Second of all, well, I'm sorry that this week of class was paid for and we did not receive our teaching. Honestly, all the professors are trying to catch up so it's not like we are learning any less. If anything, we are learning what speed-lectures are like! I can't say I minded the week off.

I always enjoyed snow days in the dorm because there are plenty of people around and plenty to do. So I thought maybe this week would have been more boring with only one person to hang out with... Umm no! I don't think so. What's better than your school, work, and husband's work telling you to stay home and hang out with each other? I'm not sure that the situation could have been better. Tyler and I honestly didn't do anything too exciting (well, except the tent we built in our living room). He taught me how to play the board game "Risk" (by the way, I am still undefeated 5-0... he hasn't asked me to play in a few days though...)... we watched a movie or two... I worked out as usual.. and we really just enjoyed having no where to go and no distractions and enjoyed each other's company. There's no one else that I would rather spend several days snowed in with!

Now I sit here as we wait for the next snow storm to approach. I am not terribly excited, but what happens happens. If something forces me to stay inside, that would be okay because today my face is in a constant state of frozenness and I do not like it one bit!

I hope that you have stayed nice and warm... and that you too will join me in praying that Mr. Groundhog was right and spring is just around the corner!

2011-01-04T13:23:00.000-08:00

Christmas break has been a wonderful time for me. I feel more relaxed and rejuvenated than I have in a very long time. I set some goals for over break and I have already completed a lot of those goals... and I still have about two weeks left!

First of all, we got to spend a week with family. That was a wonderful time. We spent the first several days with mine then journeyed over to Stillwater and spent time with Tyler's family. We got to see pretty much everyone we wanted and had great quality time with both families. I got to spend time holding my new niece, Bynlee, which was definitely a very important part. I have no idea how much longer we will be living close to my family so I have to take as much time as possible to make sure my nieces don't forget me =)!

After we came back from Oklahoma (which I was ready to do.. mostly to sleep in my own bed! Being away is nice, but I am glad that there's always a time to come back!) I did something that I have been wanting to do since August, but due to my deep committment to school, it was put off. I tackled our second bedroom. By the time I was working on it, we could barely walk in it. I am typically a very tidy person when it comes to how I keep our house, but this room became the "miscellaneous" room in which we put anything and everything we couldn't find a place for... not to mention half of Tyler's clothes are in the closet in that room, making that whole room a closet for him. I am pleased to say we can walk in there now! It is SO clean and SO organized. I have a box of things that I plan to get rid of, not to mention some clothes to get rid of.

One of our Christmas presents is a beautiful bookcase that Tyler's dad built for us. Boy do we need a big one! Ozark has the tendency to load couples with hundreds of books by the time graduation comes. So I got to move our two small book shelves downstairs and am now using them for decorative and storage purposes. This is great because our house is much more decorated than before. It feels a lot more like our home. It only took me 6 months to get it how I like it =). But this also means we have plenty of room in our second bedroom for our new bookcase which will hopefully come soon! It's so nice to have accomplished that. Especially because the next time I will need that room will probably be to be packing everything up. It's nice to know it will be neat and organized whenever I have to pack all of our stuff up.

Cleaning out that bedroom and making the downstairs of our townhouse more "homey" was a big goal of mine... I am very glad I accomplished this!

I also got a new book for Christmas (which it took me all of 2 days to read... now what?). It's called The Hunger Games. I have heard about it for awhile now, just about how great it is. And it truly was! It was definitely a good fiction choice for my break. I have the next two books on order through my workplace. But now I need to read some more non-fiction. That's the part that has not happened yet.

Needless to say it has been a good break. I have desperately needed a break after being in school non stop since January 2010. I know that even Tyler notices how much less stress there is in my life and how much that helps us. It's not that anything was wrong, but there's just a freedom and joy found in a stress-free time that can easily go missing in a stress-filled time. Next semester goal: not lose that freedom and joy even though I know I will be stressed. I can do it!

Happy New Year!

Finally Done!

2010-12-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting for this semester to finish as soon as I got each syllabus in August. It's been a very hard but very rewarding semester. I have written too many papers, but I have also learned a lot. This set of classes is probably the set I've enjoyed most during my time at OCC. Each class has been extremely helpful to me in many different realms. I am so thankful for it, but I am even more thankful that it is over!

This Christmas break should be very relaxing. My job does not employ students over break which is a curse and a blessing. It will be interesting to live with only one income for a month, but who am I kidding... I really don't make that much to put an actual dent in anything. God has also been blessing me with plenty of babysitting opportunities... Which to me is such a great thing. The families I get to babysit for are very generous and have wonderful kids. So hopefully God will continue to provide those opportunities over break. A little income would probably be good!

During this break I will be focusing on getting ready for next semester. No, I don't mean reading lots of books for next semester's classes, or studying ahead of time. It will be a focus on rest and rejuvenation. Like I said, this past semester was hard. Next semester I am taking a few more hours and will have about the same level of time and energy invested as they are pretty time consuming classes. So while I am on break I will be reading books for fun... and I don't mean fiction books (although I am sure there will be some of that). I want to read a lot of different psychology books. I think I have general ideas of what I am interested in so I hope that reading some of these books will help me discover more of what I am passionate about. I will also be completing some projects around the house (like cleaning the second bedroom which has been abandon since August) and hopefully getting rid of some useless stuff that I didn't have the heart to get rid of sooner.. Oh and I really need to finish wedding thank you's! For awhile I got kind of frustrated that I didn't finish them this summer, but then I remembered: I took summer school. I have been in school since last January. Only a week or two break here and there. So this month long break from school is MUCH needed! So if I haven't thanked you yet for the wedding gift you bestowed upon us- don't worry, it's coming! So that's another project.

Oh and don't worry, I will also be spending some much needed relaxing time with my husband. Again, I have been in school non stop since we got married so I am looking forward to having time when we don't have to spend it together working on my homework =)!

The moment I finished my last final yesterday I felt a weight (which was REALLY heavy by the way!) lift from my shoulders immediately... and to think, I will be completely done in May. That is a feeling I cannot fathom!

A Thankful Thought

2010-11-24T20:53:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school I did not enjoy school. As most high school students, I thought school was kind of useless in some areas. (For me, math and science especially) Since the 8th grade I knew where I wanted to attend college and I knew I did not need these subjects for my time there, but simply needed them to graduate high school. Let's just say that in high school- school was not my thing.

Over the past week or so I have been dwelling on my thankfulness for education. When I was in Cambodia I learned about the chances of people getting an education in their lives. When the Khmer Rouge was in power, they wiped out 20% of the population of Cambodia... Starting with anyone who was educated. It's true, they targeted educated people. Now, 30 years later, the country is in shambles. A generation of uneducated people is in power now. Not to say it isn't getting better, but it's just a terrible thing that an educated person was a bad person-worthy of death. Anyway, a large number of children in Cambodia will not ever get an education, not just a higher education. But you can bet that those who go on to higher education are few and far between.

Now, I know we live in a different place and our country has not seen the same problems they have. But I am very thankful for an education. Not just high school, but more so, for my college education. Since about the 8th grade I dreamed of the day I would move to Ozark Christian College in the thriving metropolis of Joplin, Missouri. Let's just say the journey has gone different than I ever anticipated, but in some ways, it has been everything I hoped it would be.

One of the reasons I am thankful for the education I have received at OCC is because it has honestly allowed me to enjoy school. I get to study things that pertain exactly to what I want to do with my life. This has allowed me to look forward to going to class each day and write a countless numbers of papers, study some intense memory work, and take tests with a zeal I have never had for school before. The knowledge I have gained while at Ozark is irreplaceable. I am forever thankful that Ozark has instilled in me the idea that school can actually be enjoyable!

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to learn about my area of interest under the most Godly set of professors I could have ever asked for. One of the things I always tell people when they are considering Ozark or want to know what I love about OCC is this: This is your family. It's no longer professor-student relationships, it's like every professor becomes your mentor. These are the people you will look up to and what to be like whether or not you agree with all of their thoughts and ideas. These are people you don't just learn from concerning the Word of God, or in my case, Psychology and Counseling. These are the people you learn from for four years concerning the life you lead and how to be the person God intends for you to be. I would have never developed into this version of me had I chosen to go somewhere else, at least not in my four years of college. As I approach the end of my second to last semester, my heart is filled with the sorrow you feel when you are about to move from your home. I could never express my thankfulness to the faculty and staff at OCC for pouring in to my life for four years... and some of them, I know it will continue in the years to come. Choosing Ozark was easily one of the most important decisions I have ever made. The people I have known from my time there have been by me through incredibly important and trying times. I will forever be thankful for my OCC family.

Just the two of us

2010-11-20T12:30:00.000-08:00

1. What are your middle names? Gwen and Evans

2. How long have you been together? On December 8th it will be three years total, but we have been married for 5 1/2 months!

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? About 4 1/2 years.

4. Who asked who out? He asked me out.

5. How old are each of you? I am 21 and Tyler is 22
6. Did you go to the same school? We went to the same college, but different high schools.

7. Are you from the same home town? Nope, Tyler is from Stillwater, OK and I am from Owasso, OK... just about an hour apart.
8. Who is the smartest? Tyler. He is extremely smart.
9. Who majored in what? I will graduate in May with my Bachelor of Christian Ministry: Psychology and Counseling and Tyler has a Bachelor's of Christian Ministry: Student Ministry and another BCM: Church Planting.

10. Who is the most sensitive? There is no question that that is me!
11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Umm probably Cancun. But I throw in a picture from NYC too since that's kinda far!

12. Who has the worst temper? Definitely me. I don't think Tyler knows how to get upset about anything. Okay thats not true, but it's a very rare occasion that he is actually upset.
13. How many children do you want? 2-3. But who knows. That could all change once I actually experience the whole having a child thing.
14. Who does the cooking? I do most of it, but Tyler is a really good cook. I just really like to do it. But he helps when I ask, and he always does the grilling.
15. Who is more social? Definitely Tyler. I am very much an introvert. Sitting at home with Tyler is perfectly fine with me, but he definitely needs more social interaction than I do.

16. Who is the neat freak? Definitely me. Tyler's not super messy but the mess doesn't bother him.
17. Who is the most stubborn? We are both stubborn. But I might be a little more so.
18. Who wakes up earlier? Right now we both wake up at the same time. But that will change next semester.
19. Where was your first date? Olive Garden and then this Christmas Light extravaganza thing in Carthage, MO.

20. Who has the bigger family? Mine is bigger. (I have three siblings, Tyler has one)
21. Do you get flowers often? Well it depends on the definition of "often"

22. How do you spend the holidays? This year and last year we split them between both families. Living only an hour apart makes it easy for splitting. But who knows how we will do it in the future!
23. Who is more jealous? Neither of us
24. How long did it take to get serious? Umm well it depends, me or him? Me=I was probably serious prior to us dating... and Him=awhile =)
25. Who eats more? We both eat a lot but he probably eats more.
26. What do you do for a living? Right now I am a student and Tyler is the Interim High School Minister at College Heights Christian Church.
27. Who does the laundry? I do most of the time.

28. Who's better with the computer? Definitely Tyler! Without him I would be lost.
29. Who drives when you are together? We split pretty evenly. It depends on whose car we take, who has more gas... Tyler doesn't love driving, and I do so we both drive a lot.

30. What is your song? Until You by Dave Barnes. We both used lyrics from this song in our gifts to each other one year for Valentine's Day... so it was pretty obvious that this was our song.

Passion

2010-11-10T21:01:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful that God has given me a passion. It took me a bit more time to figure out what it was than what I would have liked but my timing isn't necessarily always best. I had the intention to become a teacher when I first came to Ozark, but it did not take me long to figure out I only saw that as my best option rather than truly finding something that was really me. It's really hard to figure out what you want to do in life, so I now totally understand people taking one year after high school to figure that out. I kind of did that but it was very convenient that I could stay at Ozark when I finally figured it out.

Through my journey at OCC God has revealed slowly through different classes that I have taken what my passion is. It was easy for me to figure out that Psychology and Counseling is where my heart is, but I'm still not even sure where that is leading me. But I am thankful for God slowly showing me different areas that I am passionate about. I don't necessarily think that these passions are going to lead me to huge careers full of money and successful things on worldly standards. I think that God has been teaching me that where he is leading me is not necessarily going to be what people expect or even okay in the world's standards. But I believe he has set my heart in the right place. As cliche as it may sound: my passion is helping people.

Choosing to stay at Ozark to pursue my bachelor's is a risky thing. I struggle with this risk on a weekly basis. I can't go anywhere I want to grad school... There is a specific list of places I could possibly get in to. But there's no telling if I will even end up close to those places. This is why it is a risk. It's risky because this path may not lead me to some high paying, or paid at all, job. But God has laid it on my heart that he is going to take care of us if I will honor him by pursuing his will for my life. I am okay with this, but I keep running in to people who are not. I understand the use of financial security- I really do. I understand that it is important. But I can't deny God's calling, I am sure of his calling on my life and of the fact that if I am honoring God's will that he provide and he will take care of me. I am his child no matter what.

My struggle is rooted in the fact that audible voices can be more easily heard than the voice from my Father. But if I am constantly pursuing his voice over this world my heart will remain in his plan.

Productivity

2010-10-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Life has been very productive lately. I have a huge mound of assignments coming up in the next several weeks... which usually stresses me out to the max (at least that is the story of this semester). But last week I made a decision: I am not going to let myself get so stressed out that I actually have emotional breakdowns. Yes. I have had some extreme emotions going on this semester. When I get stressed out, these emotions are magnified. It's hard for me to handle being a wife, a student, a volunteer, and worker. I've even had to cut out my second place of volunteering which is extremely sad. I had several weeks that I was stuck in a rut of complete stress. But I decided that was not going to be the case for the rest of my semester. It's senior year and I am going to learn and enjoy while I am still fortunate enough to be a student at Bible college.

So I decided to get ahead. And I have. I have spent almost every day of the last several days in the library just getting stuff done- even stuff I can do at home. But I know that my productivity is way less when I am at home and there are messes to be cleaned, yummy treats to be baked, and Ellen Degeneres to watch. I have gotten so much done. But there is still much to do considering I have two research papers due in the next two weeks!

One of my biggest issues is wanting to do it all myself. I want to take great care of Tyler and make his life so much easier and show my love through all of my actions. But the problem is... my life is a bit more packed than his. Not to say he doesn't do anything because trust me, ministry is like a job that never sleeps. But I try to cook all of the meals, keep the house tidy, do homework (which this semester feels like I am doing a years worth of homework), work my low 12 hours a week, but volunteer with the youth group several times a week. I just want to be the woman who does it all! I know Tyler appreciates this attitude but I also know he would be so gracious to help me if I would just ask him. I am getting a bit better and practicing sharing the load. I have always been the kind of girl to take the loads all to myself and not let others share in my stress. But I think that needs to change.

I have been meeting with a couple of my good friends (well, we have only met twice), but I can already tell you how happy I am that I sought some accountability in my life. My relationships have changed dramatically in the past several months. Many transitions happening that cause this. I think transitions are healthy... and I am thankful for it because I think that where I am now and the relationships that I am in now are a lot healthier than I have been in the past. I have had inklings that I need more accountability and more time to just share life with other women and I am so glad I finally made the step to do this.

Needless to say, my last few weeks have been more productive than usual on several levels. Mostly on levels that will reduce my stress and anxiety that I deal with on a regular basis. Life is a lot better when you take the necessary steps to be a healthy individual. It is my goal to become healthier emotionally and mentally this year.

P.S. On a very exciting note- I pre-enrolled for my last semester of college this week! Eek! I had a mere 12 hours I need in order to graduate... so I threw in an extra elective which means I am going to New York for 6 days in March! Hooray!

2010-10-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like I can breathe now. My first exegetical of the semester is done. This, my friends, is an important thing. It has been several semesters since I wrote my first exegetical and my only exegetical prior to this. Apparently I saved all of my exegetical classes for senior year. Hm.. possibly a terrible decision. I have one more exegetical for this semester, and two research papers. Christmas Break can not come soon enough!!

This has been an interesting week. I went home last weekend, which was wonderful. I decided to extend my visit from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon and I am glad I did. It made for a crazy Sunday but what can I say, I missed my family! My dear friend Emily, who is a great blessing to me in this time of my life, went along with me. I thoroughly enjoyed that!

I am going back home tonight. My friend Lacy lost her mom this week to cancer. I cannot even express the amount that Lacy has seen in this life. Sometimes when I see others struggle through so much more than I ever had, I have no way of understanding how they keep going. But she just does. She is truly great. I really think that they moved here for a reason. When her father was diagnosed with cancer we spent much time encouraging one another, as both of our fathers had now gone through a serious health crisis. I will forever be thankful for her encouragement in my life. And now, I know, it's my turn to encourage her some more. Her mom was a very special woman. I wouldn't miss celebrating Lori's life for anything!

I am working on pictures for the blog of my home! But as you might guess, it's even harder to get everything together when I have school looming over me!

I hope you have a blessed day!

Not what I expected...

2010-09-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people ask me if I am learning a lot about Tyler or if being married to him/living with him is really different than I expected. I'm just going to be honest, Tyler and I knew each other extremely well prior to getting married... not to say that I knew everything about him, I am sure there are a thousand more things to learn. But really, we knew each other pretty well. We have been friends for 7 1/2 years, really close friends for at least four years. Tyler lived in this apartment for a year before we got married and since I spent some time here, I already learned a lot of his weird habits as far as living arrangements. I haven't run into a lot of surprises yet.. well, at least not in him.

But me. I am not what I expected. Not in the least bit. Did I know how to cook more than two meals prior to getting married? No. Did I anticipate being very prompt when it comes to dishes and cleaning? No. Did I enjoy doing laundry? No. Why isn't being a wife a paid position? I mean, I love being his wife and doing things around the house, but sometimes that is all I want to do. It's super fun. This is what is surprising to me. All of the sudden, I love keeping this place in order, planning our weekly menu, grocery shopping, doing laundry. I feel like I have to clean the kitchen at least once a day, but I love it! I am kind of weirding myself out.

I do learn much about Tyler... and let me tell ya, living with him is awesome! He is a very entertaining husband. More than anything I am surprised how just living with him and being married to him makes so much more of my life about him. I want to make sure things are great around here for him (even though I have about a billion other things I should probably be doing...). I love doing this, if only it could be a full time job.

I just thought I'd share about how I surprise myself on a daily basis. Now it's time to pick up the bedroom. Have a happy Saturday!

It Has Begun

2010-09-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

What has begun, you might ask?
Several things really:

Football season.
I don't really enjoy football season. But this season is different. Why? Because when I lived at OCC I could avoid football season very easily. I simply didn't have the opportunity to watch it due to no cable in my room. This year though... I live with a BOY. You know what that means. Any football on TV? We're watching it. Don't you worry. So today, to avoid the football that took over the TV, I cleaned... and I mean cleaned. It was nice. Tyler is nice though. He knows how I dislike watching every single game that comes on. He's willing to compromise... this is good news for me. I don't mind watching teams that we care about. But if it's a team I have no attachment to or interest in, why watch? That's something I'll never understand.

My desire for short hair.
Just as Tyler will never understand my need for short hair. Yes, I said need. The longer it gets, the harder it is to work with. I know this is not a serious issue, but I am okay with blogging about my hair. It's just, it's a big deal that I grew it out for over a year. And it's really just kinda stopped growing. Sooo... don't be surprised if there is short hair in my near future!

Senior year of college.
This one is exciting. But it brings much homework. Although I am taking a small 13 hours, by far the smallest amount I have ever taken... I have more big projects than I have ever had before. I have 2 exegeticals and two research papers. That's a little much for a person who is not great at writing papers. On the bright side, I love my schedule and my classes so far... (well, besides Bible Lands and Lifeways, but that's just expected). I've got two good Bible classes and a great counseling class and counseling seminar. It's going to be a great semester!

New chapters at CHCC.
Well, We have officially survived the first couple of weeks of Tyler being Interim High School Minister. So many people are still pouring out support and encouragement left and right. I am surrounded by more uplifting and positive people than ever before. I have been reached out to by multiple women who genuinely want us to succeed during this time, not only as a couple doing ministry, but in our marriage and other relationships. I feel like I have several different groups of people pouring into my life, and this is a great thing.

Life is very well rounded right now. I've got investment at OCC and CHCC. It's a pretty great place to be. There is no telling where we will be going after I graduate, or if there will be any "going" at all. What's important is that I focus on here and now. I've seen so many people be too focused on what's next that what's here begins to be meaningless to them. But I know that God is going to much in our time in Joplin whether it's for 9 more months or 9 more years. What's next will happen when it's time. I couldn't be happier with where we are right now.

Random Life Observations

2010-08-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

1. I don't like being away from Tyler. I like being in Owasso, but I really like Tyler too. Hm. It's sad.

2. My hair has not been this long since 9th grade. That was around 6-7 years ago... I am not used to this. And I just want short hair that doesn't end up in a ponytail at the end of every day... Okay. But ask me tomorrow and I will probably tell you I love long hair.

3. My niece is more than hilarious. She's just so precious. Today she was saying "buh-bye" (she was pretending to go to church) and she decided that she didn't want to hug, but she should shake our hands. So she went from grandma to grandpa to aunt Abigail shaking hands and saying "buh-bye". Oh goodness.

4. It's amazing how many times I have been asked if I am pregnant in the last two months. Not because I look pregnant, simply because I am married now. The answer is NO and no time soon thank you very much. Lydia is taking care of the need for a baby to be on the way.

5. I really like being married to Tyler. It's great!! But it's awkward when people say "how is married life" because I say "Great!!" and then don't really know what to say... And I think that people expect me to gush on and on and I don't really know where to start.

6. I wish Tyler and I could work part-time forever and make enough money... It's really great how much time we get to spend together. But I guess that has to end sometime...

Okay. I think those are all of my observations right now!

Moving Forward

2010-08-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

Life is certainly changing!

The past month has been filled with a change we certainly weren't expecting. Our very dear friends and mentors (not to mention the high school minister being Tyler's boss), sat us down to tell us that he would be resigning this summer. Mind you, this happened about a week or maybe two after we got back from Mexico.

It's been an emotional and tiring, but exciting month as we prepared to move forward in this ministry. We have sat through several moments of tears while Beau and Michelle continued to announce this to so many people who love them. The reason why they leave is so filled with God's provision. It's nothing short of God's will for their lives. While we are deeply sad to no longer have the chance to do ministry with them, we are so excited as they get to move on to fulfill a passion in their hearts.

We have not been able to speak about this until last Sunday night when Beau finally told our students. It was incredibly emotional. Waiting for them to go public was like waiting for it to become real. Well now it's real.

I was greatly blessed and encouraged by many women the night that it became public knowledge. I will never forget looking up from the final prayer and instantly being surrounded and prayed for. For the time being, Tyler will be serving as Interim High School Minister at College Heights Christian Church. Until they hire someone to take the job full time, he will be filling this role. I have so much confidence in him! He has done an outstanding job and we know that the leadership at CHCC wouldn't have asked him to step in if they didn't have the confidence in him as well.

It's a scary thing to be pushed forward into a position that was not expected. But over the past month I have been encouraged and lifted up like never before. As people have said their love for Beau and Michelle, they have also filled our hearts with so much confidence and support and prayers. I couldn't be happier about the church that we are transitioning with. We can only hope that they will let us "grow up" here like Beau and Michelle did.

So any prayers offered would be greatly appreciated. It's a little more responsibility than we planned on, but we know it's the right thing for right now.

Faithfulness

2010-08-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

It's hard to remain silent when I am so full of words and emotion right now. It's hard to remain in the US when my heart is full of love and longing for another country. It's hard to remain still when I just need to move.

Today I needed a bit of a reminder of God's faithfulness. Well, I don't know if it's a reminder, but more of some comfort regarding his faithfulness. It's a concept I know to be true, but a concept that requires direct action from me.

First of all, I love my Life Application Study Bible. I suggest you get one too.

The very first passage I found regarding God's faithfulness in the Bible was in Deuteronomy. (Deuteronomy 7:9) Ya know the first thing that this passage told me? God keeps his covenant with those who keep his commands. This frustrated me from the moment I read it.

A year ago, while sponsoring my first high school camp, I received a loud and confident "no" when I began to ask God if I could go back to Cambodia this coming summer. Granted it was also around that time that it became clear that getting married this summer was a big possibility. I knew that while I could not go to Cambodia, I could begin a different journey. I am thankful that I got married this summer, but my heart still aches for Cambodia. I have obeyed this command of his to not return this summer. I understand it and I am okay with it. But now it's time to start asking about when I can go back. But this is what I learned in my study of how God is faithful.

I read so many times how God is faithful to those who keep his commands... and those who obey his words. But there's never a time frame included. The writers of the inspired Word of God never say "he will remain faithful to you by granting your wish in the next 1-2 years". Nope. Nothing like that. It's all, remain faithful and he will remain faithful. That's why this is so hard. What if it's not for another ten years? What if I really don't ever get to go back? I know that sometimes God has greater things in mind, but the invisible possibility of something greater is clouded by my view of something that is already great.

All through the Psalms I read about how he is faithful and just and true to his promises. Finally in the New Testament I read about a couple of important things to remember. First, he will strengthen and protect me. ( 2 Thessalonians 3:3) While I wait in silence on this pressing issue in my life, he will strengthen me. He will protect me. While it's just silence, I know that he doesn't hear silence because he can hear my heart. It's comforting to know that he is hearing me and understanding me. Another thing is that when I suffer, I need to commit myself to my faithful creator. (1 Peter 4:19) All I can do while my heart is aching to go back is commit to faithfulness. Because he is faithful in all of his promises. (Psalm 145:13)

It isn't easy to wait for something like this. But I find much comfort in knowing that he has been faithful through all generations. (Psalm 100:5) He has not forgotten about me and the desires of my heart, especially the desires to serve and love the people of Cambodia. I pray that his faithfulness is clear to you today.

Life

2010-07-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Life is really good. It's really different, but in almost all ways. I guess I will just fill you in on all of the things that take up a normal week of my life.

#1: Youth. I love our youth group, I really really do! They are a fantastic group of kids. There are so many lessons to learn when leading high school students. Trust me, I am learning them. But I am loving it! I have successfully seen my d-group a couple of times which is fantastic as well. They are such a wonderful group of girls. I am so thankful that I get to be in their lives. As the days go on I really feel like they want me to be in their lives. This is great because I have much to give!

#2: Work. So, I have the best job ever! Unfortunately it will only last for a few more weeks. I get to watch two adorable boys all day long two days a week. It pays the bills and I get to play with some awesome kids. Not to mention randomly filling in at the bookstore and babysitting for another wonderful family. I really do love it. I miss my bookstore job though. I look forward to returning in the fall. I have been so blessed. I haven't had a job in about two years that I dreaded going to. I am so thankful for low-stress and fun jobs.

#3: Summer school. It is almost over though! By Friday, I will be done! It's so very exciting. I can't even explain how ready I am to be done with it. I am so thankful I was able to finish 6 more hours of school in just 2 months. One class was only 4 weeks long which is awesome! They have been really good classes, but I am ready for my 3 week summer vacation =)!

#4: Tyler! It's quite crazy how much time we spend together. I guess that's the perk of both of us only working part time. (Although, I am sure you can imagine what the negatives are to that!) We have a nice system of how both of us being part time works and it's working. I love how much time we get to spend together. I can't even imagine both of us working full time. I feel like we will never see each other then! I love it though. Being married is great. We have had such a great summer. I am really glad we got married early in the summer so we could have some time to get used to things and enjoy before school starts. He is a really great husband!

Anyway, that's an update of my life. I am sure there will be more in the next couple of weeks as I have more time, no summer school, and maybe a little more energy!

The Future

2010-07-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my future holds. This fact usually scares me, makes me uncomfortable, and even makes me mad. I like to know what's happening, when it's happening, why it's happening, and how it's happening. But I don't know that right now. And for once, I am really glad.

I think it's a common mistake to get so caught up in what is next. This is something I try to keep myself from. I try really hard because I am the first one to worry about the future. But right now I am at complete peace with the fact that I don't know where Tyler and I will be or where we will be going in like, 10 months. I think there is a good chance we won't be staying around Joplin for too long after I graduate. But what is that mysterious destination? I don't know.

I just don't want to miss the now. I don't want to miss what God is giving me here. Joplin isn't my favorite place, but until God clearly calls me elsewhere, I will love this city with Christ's love. I don't want to leave just for the sake of getting out of here. I want to bloom here until God plants me in another place.

It's a real treat to hear me say that I am at peace with not knowing. It might be the first time those words have ever come out of my mouth (so to speak =) ). But it's true. I know God will take good care of us!

Reflections on marriage

2010-06-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't claim to be a pro at this, but I have a few reflections on marriage after my first week of it.

1. Umm it's awesome.

2. It's so nice not saying goodbye to Tyler and leaving his apartment.

3. It's really awesome when Tyler cooks dinner because I want to watch the Bachelorette.

4. Honeymoons should happen once a year. I guess now they are just called "vacations". This doesn't sound as luxurious but oh well.

5. Tyler makes me laugh even more than when we weren't married!

6. I am generally in a better mood because wedding stress is gone and I get to live with Tyler.

Okay, look for further reflections in the future.

Just married =)

2010-06-18T15:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, huge sigh of relief. I am glad everything is over and done with- my stress level has reached an all time low... But let me just say. Our wedding turned out only a thousand times more beautiful and more perfect than I ever could have pictured it. I have so many people to thank and will do so soon, but I couldn't have even pictured it better. I didn't even picture it being that good!

I seriously loved every minute of that day. I am so glad that we did the big wedding and had all of our friends and family surrounding us. I just feel like it's a huge testimony to the love and support so many people have for Tyler and I. It was perfect, we are so very blessed.

Cancun was wonderful! It was so awesome have no where to be, just relaxing... and being together. Honeymoons are a great idea. I am so glad we went big for it and didn't settle for just relaxing in Joplin. I think we deserved that vacation. We both work so super hard over the past year to get to where we are. I think it was the perfect reward.

We are home now... working on setting things up which is a BLAST to me! I love organizing and setting up... ah it's bliss =) And to be doing it with Tyler (which I love to say is my HUSBAND!) is such a joy. He is reading his ESPN magazines that came while we are gone (pure bliss for him I think!) and I am unpacking presents and such... such a great day =).

While we were on our honeymoon one of our flight attendants asked if we would have done the whole big wedding and everything all over again (rather than elope)... surprisingly I said yes! I think I asked Tyler to elope just about every week of wedding planning that I experienced. But it was so worth it. I loved every minute of it.

Thanks to anyone and everyone who came, supports us, and has prayed for us. I love you all!

1 Week

2010-06-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

My wedding is only one week away, and that is so weird!

This week I got much accomplished. Well, that includes a visit to Joplin in order to relax and set up our apartment... relaxation is success.

I had my bridal portraits this week. That was SO weird. It was so nice to finally see how everything fell together (everything: my dress, hair, makeup, jewelry...). It was all perfect! I had no idea what I would look like, but it ended up being perfect. It definitely made it all more real to me. I looked in the mirror and realized "Oh yeah, you are actually getting married." I got a little nauseated. Not in a bad way, but an exciting way. I am a little nervous... but mostly excited and ready.

There's so much to think about. The part that stresses me out the most is that I have to finish wedding stuff, but also manage to pack and get ready for the honeymoon too... That's nerve-wracking to me. It's hard to get ready for the wedding but also get ready to leave the country on the next day. Well, I assume it will all get done.

I guess that's it from this front. I look forward to the day that my blog will not revolve around the wedding. Really, I am looking forward to the day that my life doesn't revolve around the wedding!

One more week!

Can I Brag?

2010-06-02T19:40:00.001-07:00

Okay. I am going to brag for a second.

I made Dean's List. I have never done that before. I have been pretty close. It's never something I have like set out in my mind to do... but I did it. Let's think about this. This semester was my first full semester of being engaged. So apparently when you mix lots of wedding plans, about a billion wedding showers/events, school, and ministry it equals awesome grades. It even raised my cumulative GPA a point! woo hoo 3.5! But I am proud of my semester 3.8. Really proud!

One more thing. I have this thing lurking in the back of mind. I have a feeling that I need to pack for Cambodia. It's super strange. But I honestly feel like I am leaving for Cambodia in a week... It's a strange feeling. In a way it's a let down, but I think the alternative to going to Cambodia is pretty awesome!

Only 10 days !! Woot!

HeeJin Choi

2010-05-28T16:51:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I received an awesome gift. This gift came from a little sister in Cambodia. She sent me a letter and a purse. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to hear from her less than a year after I left her side. But it frustrated me.

You see, I have this friend named HeeJin. She is probably one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. We had this language barrier going on while she was here, but we had this bond that was not like a bond I had ever experienced. After she left and went back to South Korea, we stayed in touch. I heard from her every few months through e-mail. Suddenly, she stopped writing. It was sometime during my freshman year at Ozark, I think in the fall, that I last heard from her. So I got frustrated by this. I wanted to know that she was okay, that life was good. We had gotten so close but then there was a sudden drop off.

So when I received a gift from a girl who does not have simple means to communicate with me, it got me thinking. She had to send a letter and purse back to America with someone who knew me. But HeeJin has easy ways to communicate with me, e-mail, facebook, etc. But she wasn't communicating. I was really upset. All I wanted was to hear from her. It would be so easy for her to say hello. But I truly gave up. I decided that I probably wouldn't ever hear from her again. I really wanted to be able to send her a wedding invitation, but I had no idea what her new address is in Australia.

This morning I woke up at 8 AM. Not on purpose. I couldn't fall back asleep. So I checked my e-mails. I had a facebook notification informing me that HeeJin sent me a message. Before I could even read it I just began to cry. I am so thankful that God answered my consistent prayer to allow me to just hear from her. He is so good to me.

Goodbye high school and junior high clothes!

2010-05-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Umm wow. I just went through all of the clothes in my room. I think that the goal of high schools are to sell you so many t-shirt (athletic t-shirts, homecoming t-shirts, class t-shirts, etc.) that when you are 21, about to get married, and fixing to move out of your parents house, they provide a huge obstacle that is cleaning out your closet. Yikes. It's a mess. But some person who shops at goodwill is about to indulge themselves in about 20 class of 2007, Owasso Volleyball, and Owasso Choir shirts (20 each. not total). Oh well.

I love being home, and I love having time to complete wedding tasks. We got so much done today. I look forward to the day when completing wedding tasks is not the highlight of my day. I can't wait until the highlight of my day is waking up next to Tyler... Oh dear =)

I miss my ring. I miss wearing it and people knowing that I am engaged! It's super sad. But I must say, it's even more gorgeous with it's wedding band attached to it.

Okay. I really just wanted to blog about the surplus of clothes practically flowing out of my room. It's a humorous sight. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I purchased clothes as a teenager. Oh well, it was fun to look through my clothes and remember what I bought them for, what I wore them to, the good and bad things that happened while wearing them. It's weird how I remember those things. It was a good time, but I am glad to say goodbye!

2010-05-23T07:58:00.000-07:00

As soon as I checked out of Dennis Dorm, room 312, I felt like I could breathe. As sad as it was to say goodbye to the dorm I have known for three years, I am really excited too. It's so crazy to think that I am not moving back there. Even crazier to think that three weeks from this moment I will have a husband. How did that happen?

We got my ring back... I must admit it, it is even more beautiful than before. The downside to having it sautered is that I have been asked quite a few times over the past two weeks if Tyler and I are still engaged. So today, I will be buying a fake ring for $1 so I can clear up the questions. You may think I am silly, but when you are three weeks out from a wedding, you kinda want people to know you're engaged and there are no issues.

Tyler and I have been insanely blessed by gifts people have given us. It's so great. We have so many people that love for us and care for us. I am sooo so thankful!

Well here I go! My last day to relax with Tyler before the whole wedding thing. It's crazy. I hate saying goodbye to him and all, but knowing that the next time we are spending lots of time together will be on our honeymoon definitely makes it easier. I can't wait!

So Long, Insecurity

2010-05-16T07:09:00.001-07:00

I am thinking that every woman who has picked up Beth Moore's newest book has thought what I am thinking now: this book was written about me.

She has written a book regarding the insecurity issue that most women face. I have only read two chapters, but so far she is dead on. She knows that most women have this problem- whether it seems like it or not. But it's true.

Just over the past year I have become much more aware of my insecurities. Unfortunately some bad experiences brought this out, but it really needed to be revealed. One thing I have learned from this book so far is that it greatly hinders my work for the kingdom. Right now, I can see that. I can see that in the way that I relate to our high school girls, how I even relate to the girls in my dorm who I know love me. It's so crazy, but it's a result of bad thinking over many, many years. But since my insecurities have been revealed (let me tell ya, revealing those things to another person and to hear them say I love you right after will even get you a little more secure =) ) things have changed greatly in my life. I think this is a problem for some people though.

In some of my relationships, I think it was necessary that I was insecure. I think I had to be insecure for the other person to feel power and good standing in my life. I can feel those relationships at conflict right now. It was really unexpected, these are relationships that I never knew had this problem. I am generally known as a push over. You say I should do something, I used to do it. But as I grow more secure and more confident, I think people have a hard time accepting that I am not going to just go by what they say anymore. It's really tough because I do love to please people... but the more I know about how my creator made me, the more I want to be that person(because, for the first time in awhile, I think that person is pretty awesome!)... and usually, the things that people ask of me are not at all who he made me to be. It's not like they ask me to make terribly immoral choices- but it doesn't suit me. The me that God made me to be.

This is the first year in a long time I have felt like I am actually being who God wants me to be. My freshman year I was swallowed in to insecurity because I was hardly truly accepted by anyone on campus. My sophomore year I was swallowed into insecurity because I finally had friends, so I needed to be what they wanted me to be in order to keep them. Well, this year, I got to a point that I needed to be who God wanted me to be rather than people. And I am pursuing that.

But what I find is that the closer I get to God, the more my relationships change. It's frustrating and tiring, but I would choose Godliness over acceptance of the people surrounding me any day.

Kids

2010-05-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

Last night Beau and Michelle threw us a "man shower", or basically a shower for Tyler to receive tools and such. It ended up being four of us couples and 7 little kids between the three other couples. I was looking forward to it because I love hanging out with these people. Our youth sponsors are becoming my most favorite people to spend time with. They all care about Tyler and I so much. It is so obvious that each of these couples are fervently chasing after God's will... and we need those people surrounding us.

So something has been changing in my heart lately. Over the past few months, I have formed a huge love for children. I don't know what it is. I think that having a niece has really helped me begin to like children, but right now, I love kids. Last night one of the kids brought a book over to me and had me read to him and it was one of the most fun moments I have had in awhile. We didn't even really read the book, we just talked about the pictures. I must admit, Camden is my favorite little boy ever!

Anyone who knows me will know how strange it is that I am confessing a love for kids. I am even going to nanny this summer for a family. I met this family earlier this week and fell in love with the kids. It's so crazy how much my heart is changing for children. But seriously, I kinda wish there were kids around right now!

Don't worry, I still do not want my own for a long time =). But it is super comforting to know that my heart is changing... because a few months ago I would have told you that kids are scary to me. But no longer!

PS. I am officially done with classes.

29 days until our wedding.

8 days until Tyler's graduation! Woo hoo!

2010-05-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

Remember yesterday when everything was all great and dandy? I was having an awesome day, getting stuff done, life was good.

This is what my life feels like today:

I think there are people in my life that have giant straws and are officially sucking all of the joy and fun out of this wedding process for me.

Another that that I am having is that I think gift cards curse my shopping. I have several, but found nothing today. I was really hoping this little shopping adventure (involving gift cards) would kinda pick up my day since it was kinda ruined around 9 am. But noooo.

Ugh.

Good news!

2010-05-11T17:25:00.001-07:00

This post will be dedicated to all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now:

-In the next couple of hours I will be done with assignments for this semester

-I only have one final in class

-12(ish) days until I move home

-Today I got to start packing

-Soon I will start moving things to Tyler's

-32 days until Tyler and I are married (1 month from tomorrow!!)

-We have our final shower on Thursday

-Tomorrow I get to meet the family I might nanny for this summer (which is a hooray for a good chance on having a job!)

-Tyler is the most wonderful person ever

Okay, I think that just about covers it. Life is good!

Almost done...

2010-05-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Life is winding down, and that excites me! The sad part is, there are only four days left of class but I still have sooo much to do.

I am officially done with all the normal type wedding showers. All that's left is my personal shower and then a couples/man shower. Both of which will be very relaxed and fun! All of my other showers have been awesome. Tyler and I have been so blessed and will be starting off with so much! And to think that there is still the actual wedding!

I must admit, June 13th needs to come quick! My need for vacation grows by the second. People keep asking if I am excited about the wedding. I say, of course, but I can't really think about that right now. I don't think most people get how stressful and consuming it is to be in school and plan a wedding. Of course people who have done it get it!

I am really thankful for my mother and Tyler. They are always looking out for me. They are always telling me to not even think about things that are stressing me out and that they will take care of it, and take care of me. I am sooo glad. But if I could change anything it would be that I would be able to do all of this at home. I have really been needing the support that my mother provides, but it's so hard to do things from far away. It's not that no one here cares about me, but Tyler is definitely the only one who is really seeking out ways to take stress off of me. It's been an incredibly tiring and stretching semester... not just because of wedding things. But I have been going through a lot, especially spiritually. So basically if I did not have my mother and Tyler to look me in the eyes and say relax I would probably lock myself away. I am so ready to be home for a few weeks.

The end is in site!

Peace

2010-04-28T10:34:00.001-07:00

God has been really good to me. I really thought these weeks would be insane, but he keeps giving me random breaks that I didn't plan on! It's great. I have had several different classes canceled, and do on Friday again, but also tomorrow is skip day! It's great.

I have a lot to do over the next three days, but also a lot of time. I have to get invitations pretty much done by Friday, but I also want to get two big assignments done too. I found out that I don't have a final in one of my classes which is super awesome. I also found out I could change my project so now I have a partner and am doing my project over human trafficking in stead of mentoring which I am excited about. There is also a decent possibility of a good job this summer, but nothing is definite.

We had to make a budget for our premarital counseling and that was interesting... Right now, with the money we make, there is no way we could live off of our monthly wages. But that will be really different this summer, and then different in the fall. So we had to make a budget with numbers that aren't going to work, but they are also not going to be reality for us. It's frustrating and it is stressing me out. I just really want to know if I have a job and what it is. I want to be able to feel peace about it. But the unfortunate thing is that I can't look for peace in being sure because I already know the answer. I have to look for peace in knowing that God will provide. That's really hard for me. But I sure am trying.

John 14:7 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

His plans

2010-04-24T22:57:00.000-07:00

I love my Life Application Study Bible. I actually got it for free, and it is the first study bible that I have ever had. Lately I have started using it for my devotion rather than my regular bibles. I am thankful because I have been able to read through passages like this one, which is a favorite of mine, and read the little paragraphs at the bottom and find new encouragement or wisdom from the verses.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way

and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth.

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:6-11

This is what my Life Application Study Bible has to say about portions of this passage:

"We are foolish to try to fit God into our mold-to make his plans and purposes conform to ours. Instead, we must strive to fit into his plans."

I was encouraged by this because this is where I have found myself lately. I have found myself with a sense of giving up what I want and willfully fitting into God's plans. It's so comforting to find a verse to back up all of the overwhelming feelings I have had lately. I also find much comfort in knowing that God sent me out for a purpose... and if I am willing then I can accomplish that purpose for him, not for me, and return back to him. I can't wait to be with him after having followed him. I just want to make him proud.

2010-04-23T14:40:00.001-07:00

Your hands made me and formed me;

give me understanding to learn your commands.

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,

for I have put my hope in your word.

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous,

and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort,

according to your promise to your servant.

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,

for your law is my delight.

May the arrogant be put to shame for wronging me without cause;

but I will meditate on your precepts.

May those who fear you turn to me,

those who understand your statutes.

May my heart be blameless toward your decrees,

that I may not be put to shame.

Psalm 119:73-80

Goodbye my sweet drink!

2010-04-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

Okay. This is heart breaking news that I have for you.

I think I have found the source for a lot of my migraines.

For the past couple of weeks I have noticed that I tend to get migraines right after I eat a meal. But I wasn't eating the same thing every meal so I didn't think it meant that I was eating something that didn't get along with my body. But the one thing that I realized was common to the meals that resulted in migraine is no the food... but the drink.

Coke. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Not coke! Pleaseeee don't take it away!! But yet, I asked Tyler to never let me drink it again. For the past couple of weeks- this has been the common denominator. Excessive sugar in general gives me a headache which is why I am not a huge dessert person anymore. Which let me tell ya - that one stinks! It's not that I don't like desserts. I love all dessert. Cake, ice cream, cheesecake, cookies, it's all great. But not when it gives you a headache. Even a small cookie will do it.

Anyway, I feel like if I publicly state that coke will no longer be a regular part of my life, I might actually go through with it. I don't know if it's just because I drink too much (only 1 a day) or if it is coke in general. I guess we will see.

On the bright side, I am marrying Tyler in 53 days. I have never been so excited for anything in my life. Well I am pretty excited about going on vacation with him... Oh and then finally living with him. So so so excited. I don't even know how to describe it. He makes this stressful time in my life so much better. I am so thankful and so blessed!

Oh, life.

2010-04-18T20:08:00.000-07:00

Life is insannnee. All I can think about is being on the beach in 55 days. Seriously. I can't even explain how busy life is right now. For the past three to five hours I have literally been on the verge of falling asleep.

I consider making a list of all of the things that stand between me and June 13th... just for the sake of seeing it all out in front of me. But I think for the sake of my sanity... I will refrain. All I can do is take it one step at a time.

So, if you are in the prayer business and think of me, the following things would be worth praying about:

School. Homework is like the last thing I want to do, yet the thing I need to do.

Ministry-which has the following sub-categories

-Dgroup, as we are finishing up this year!

-Homegroup

-Planning girls retreat (which is in a week! Luckily it's going to be veryyyy relaxed this year!)

Wedding planning-there isn't a ton left to do, but it's not all done so it's still always on my mind.

And well Tyler and I. Being engaged is fun. I like doing all of this with him. But there is just a certain point that I reached and I am 100% ready to begin and end my days with him. I am ready to have spare time to share together in a place that we both live. I am ready to stop saying goodbye to him at night, or after class and wonder if I get to see him again that day. I am just ready to start living life together no matter what that means. Luckily I think we handle it well, we aren't terrible stressed. But we are just ready.

2010-04-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

My world has been consumed with God. I know that this is how he intended life to be for his followers... but it took me awhile to get there. I have become slightly obsessed with the things that I have greatly disliked in my path... such as waiting, listening, hurting for others... I was shut off to such things for awhile. I took the approach of trying to fit God in to the empty spaces in my life. Now life is about fitting myself in to God's will. I see people and I wonder where their lives will go because they are choosing to try and fit God into their own will. I don't desire that for my own life. God knows way better...

Last night I found myself praying that I could view the world as he does... that each person I see I will see with eyes of love rather than judgment. I even prayed to him that he would take me down the harder path because I am willing. I have no idea what that means, it scares me. But I also know that I have experienced hard things. I have experienced injustice that no person should ever experience. I have experienced heart breaking moments. I know how God has proven faithful and just through those situations. I know how God has changed my heart to reflect his power and glory. I believe that God protects and provides. So as long as he is doing that, I will do what he wants. I also believe that God loves obedience. I believe that when I am obedient, I am following him best. That's all I want for my life.

"I say what I say with no hesitation.

I have what I have, but I'm giving it up.

I do what I do with deep conviction.

Something on the road cut me to the soul..."

Faith My Eyes

2010-04-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

There is a song that tends to end up on "repeat" for me. The day I drove myself to Ozark in August of 2007, I listened to this song practically the whole way. When I spent my first holiday with a family that is not my own, I listened to this song the days leading up to it. When I left my family to go to Southeast Asia, I listened to this song almost the whole three hours while I flew to Los Angeles, to then board a plane to Cambodia. And here I am today. I find myself at a moment where I am needing comfort and peace about the fact that I must go, I must move on, I must grow up, I must leave what I know.

My sister, Elizabeth, introduced me to this song. It's called "Faith My Eyes" by Caedmon's Call. This song is all about how it is really hard to not carry on with life at "home". But while it's hard, being in God's plan is more important. It's about how no matter where God is taking us, we will miss home and we will long to be with the people we love... but we will also be in God's plan and in God's guidance... and that's what is most important.

I am glad that I ran into this song again today... This weekend might be a tough one seeing as I won't be going home for easter. Me not going home for a holiday is like... one of the worst things that happens in my life. Okay, I am exaggerating. But seriously. Family dinners are serious business to me. I love it. I hate when my family is gathered in our house, but I am not there. And now I am on my way to marriage so I know things will be changing.. and it is hard for me. But I have to adjust. I am totally up for that challenge because I love Tyler so dearly and would not choose to have life without him. But just like the song, I have a serious longing to be at home. I have a longing to be with those who helped make me who I am, the people that I look like, the people that understand a reference from American Idol season 1 (or any other season), and to be with the people who have loved me for 21 years.

But I know that I am following God's call on my life. Right now, he calls me to College Heights. He calls me to the youth that need older people to help them grow. He has called me to Ozark. He has called me to become a wife of an amazing man in June. As hard as it's going to be to not go home and not celebrate the life of my savior with those who love me so much... I know that God will bless my obedience to follow his call on my life.

What is awesome to think about is that every time I have made this song my prayer, God has honored my decision to follow him. He has given me the most incredible experience at Ozark. He is letting me marry in to a wonderful family, who I am so thankful for. He most certainly changed my heart and my life while I was in Cambodia. I know there is much comfort, peace, and blessing to be had while sitting in the palm of a God who controls all things. I know that no matter where he sends me- no matter how far from home I am- he guides my every circumstance.

"But if I must go, things, I trust, will be better off without me. But I don't want to know because life is better off a mystery. So keep 'em coming, these lines on the road. Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. Keep me guessing at these blessings in disguise. I walk with grace my feet, and faith my eyes."

Don't just "be moved"-but move.

2010-04-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to be honest, the kids in our youth group are awesome.

Last night I had the opportunity to share some stories of my experience in Cambodia. I not only got to share about the hope that Rapha House has brought to so many girls, but I was able to share about the hurt and injustice that floods the streets- especially in the lives of children.

I expected our kids to care because so many of them already have the global mindset that so many Americans don't have. So I knew that they would care. But I was impressed. Several people asked me what books they could be reading to educate themselves, which was the way in which I educated myself. During the worship after my time to share I had several different girls who just wanted to pray... which was an awesome experience for me. I am not generally up in front so it was awesome for girls to really seek me out and just want to pray about the horrible trade that is human trafficking. But also, one of those girls felt a stirring in her heart for her neighborhood. She told me that she knew of so many broken children in her neighborhood and she wanted to do something about it. I was just so excited that God not only used us to open eyes to show of the hurt in Cambodia, but he even revealed to her the hurt in her own neighborhood.

I am so blessed to have been able to share the greatest passion of mine with high school students who want to do something about it!

Last night I was given the reminder that there is just a whole world out there. There are so many people, so many hurts, so many problems, and so much injustice. But what's crazy about those people who are going through horrific things is that they are just like you. They are just like me. They are just like us. Those girls who are trafficked for sex? They are just girls. They are girls just like the girls you know. If you are a girl- they are just like you. Those families who work all day long for literally no wages because they are stuck in modern day slavery? Those are families. Just like yours and mine. They deserve freedom. They deserve the truth that is found only in Christ. They deserve justice.

Tyler had a great quote that has really had me thinking. He encouraged the youth group that if God was moving in them last night to not just "be moved" but to move. I'm going to start moving.

2010-03-29T10:42:00.001-07:00

Lately, the most comforting thought I have had is that God is God. I remind myself that no matter what is going on in my life, the King is still on His throne. He still watches over me. He is guiding me. He is with me. He is still in control of this whole universe. Whether or not I understand what's going on or I understand why things happen-God is still God. He is still creator and comforter. I may not always understand what he is doing, but luckily, I have faith that he is doing what's best for me. I have faith that his love for me remains at the end of every day and because of that- I will be okay.

"If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea, if I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy, if I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound, if I'm learning how to walk or when I'm falling down, I am saying that you are still my God."

This is confusing.

2010-03-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

I am home for spring break, and very confused.

I don't have to be anywhere.

I don't have assignments to do.

I really don't have a lot of wedding to do.

I don't have to work.

So what am I supposed to do?

I haven't felt this free in quite some time...

So these are my plans for the next week (granted I do have some things to do next week):

1. Not worry.

2. Not stress.

3. Not even think about anything.

This post is scatter-brained. This is because I am scatter-brained when I don't have a strict schedule and list haunting me. I rely on organization to keep me sane. So this is weird.

In the past week, I have been able to sigh several sighs of relief:

1. we received a cupcake stand that is PERFECT! so now we can send the yucky one back.

2. we bought lots of vases!

3. we bought lots of flowers!

4. I have my first fitting on monday!!

My biggest stressors right now are not wedding, school, or work. No, that would be expected. My biggest stressors snuck up on me. My biggest stressors are surprising. That is way harder for me to handle than if something that I expected started stressing me out. But I am lucky. I have a wonderful family who loves and cares for me, especially when others do not show me love and acceptance... and I have an incredible fiance who is already proving to me that he will make the best husband and best friend for me. One of the first words I would use to describe Tyler is supportive. I think this is because I need a lot of support. I spent quite a bit of time in my life lacking confidence, but Tyler helps me see me for how much I am really worth and supports me through everything. I am surrounded by great people. So even though my stressors are hard to handle right now, I have to thank God for giving me the people I need to help me.

PS. Do you think that maybe because I am lacking lists, I had to make up for it by making lists in this post? I think there is a good chance. Do I have OCPD? There might be a good chance...

Happy 21st to me!

2010-03-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to briefly write about Monday. Monday was my 21st birthday. I decided last week that I would go home the weekend before so I could spend some time with my family for my birthday, but my mom told me on Friday that she and my dad were going to come up on Monday to take Tyler and I out to dinner.

Tyler and I planned on going out, but gladly moved our date since my parents decided to make a special trip (which ended up being good since Tyler has been very sick). For the last five years of my life I have had a birthday party. But- that's just not me anymore. I enjoy a simple setting and didn't really want to do anything high energy. I just want the people who love me most to be with me. So I woke up, went to work from 8-5 just like a typical Monday. Then I waited for my parents to arrive... when they did I was greatly surprised! They brought Lydia and James! So we went to the restaurant and I told the hostess how many people we had but my mom told me that we didn't have 6 people, but there were really 9 coming! So another surprise - Liz, Nathaniel and Grace came!

This was a great surprise... and a very very pleasant one! If you know me at all, you know that family dinners are my favorite. It's always a special treat. There's always very interesting and fun conversation, not to mention the entertaining level has gone up since Grace was born. So each of them making a special trip up to Joplin for me was the perfect birthday. Only two things could have made it better - if Joel were there and if Tyler hadn't been so sick! But other than that, it was probably my most favorite birthday in a long time! It's not that I don't love my friends and want to celebrate with them (which I will on another day, but once again, a small group of 4 people), but being surrounded by the people who mean most to me was just wonderful. I wouldn't have spent it any other way!

So thanks so much to my wonderful mother, father, sisters, brother-in-laws, niece, and fiance for making it the best birthday yet!

On being an introvert...

2010-03-14T15:57:00.001-07:00

I am thankful for how God made me. This isn't something I have always felt. But I do now. Over the past few months, I have really began to understand my personality and who I am as a person more than ever before. As a result of this I have become way more comfortable with the personality that God blessed me with. I have learned to start liking these things in stead of thinking they are a bad thing, like the rest of the world tends to think. Here's an example:

I am a major introvert. When I say "major" I mean, major. I mean, 100%. I find absolute joy and restfulness in silence and solitude. I would rather spend a day by myself, or with just one or two other people, than a day full of high energy activity. I would rather spend the evening talking with Tyler than at a party. This is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, people do make me feel bad about this. So what if I don't like huge celebrations, even in my honor? In fact, a big wedding scares me. I don't know exactly how I will handle it. I know that I want my church family to be a part of that day, so I opted for the big wedding. But still. People have to be okay with the fact that I am not a loud diva about things that are happening in my life. The people who I am closest to and who love me will always be by my side for the most important moments. That's all I care about.

Especially as a future minister's wife. Some minister's wives are just high energy and extroverted. Over the past year I have ended up very discouraged because I am not like that, I am not the type of person who wants the spotlight. For awhile it made me feel like I can't be a good minister's wife if I am not willing to be front and center. But let's be honest- I have a pretty good example of a minister's wife who does live life doing what God asks of her, but isn't in the limelight. My mother. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen how it's okay that I don't want people to always be giving me attention... But no matter how much I am okay with that, not everyone else is. That's the hardest part about learning about myself.

Learning who I am has been quite the journey. It's been a tough one, you can ask Tyler. It's been full of ups and downs and "am I good enough?" "is something wrong with me?" But I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that God didn't mess up when he made me- but he made me this way on purpose. Not everyone has to get energy from being with people. I envy those who can, but I am thankful for my own personality. I like that at the end of the day, I find the most peace in a moment of solitude. I am finally to the place where I truly do love myself because I know that God loves me the way that I am.

It's really tough to learn these things because a part of the process has been becoming more confident and aware of who I am. I don't think everyone is prepared to let me change. I don't see any need to mold myself into who people want me to be anymore... and I think that has already shown to create dissension in my life. But I know that I am being the person who God wants me to be in full confidence that it is a beautiful and wonderfully made person. No matter how many other people come along and make me feel bad, or make me feel like my life isn't as fun because I would rather be with a few close people than at a party, God doesn't feel that way about me. My source of affirmation must be from him or I will never be able to fully love the gifts he has given me.

"And you're healing will quickly appear..."

2010-03-10T20:12:00.000-08:00

"It's worth it though..." Ugh. Wedding planning... not for me. Seriously. It was fun for like the first three months. And it's not that I am just so ready I can hardly stand it (I am super ready though). It's that I would just rather not make these decisions and figure out the details. It's super annoying. Our wedding is only 2 months from this coming Friday. It's really not that far away. Plus- I have the whole waiting thing down. It's is really just the planning that is annoying me at this point in time. (And this is coming from a person who thrives on planning.) Not to mention having to coordinate dates for showers, especially when people don't seem to be satisfied with when I am available... but I kinda feel like my availability is vital. But maybe that's just me.

Remember when I took a small sabbatical from Facebook? Well, don't worry, I am already annoyed again. So I guess it's time to assess the situation (I have been saying that a lot lately... weird). It's still like there are certain expectations regarding Facebook and people I know... and that is slightly crazy to me. Can we all just be reminded that it is a website? Sure it is a great connection, great advertising place, and serves a lot of really good purposes. But it is not the replacement of relationships in my life. Maybe when people ask to be my friend on Facebook I will make them fill out a list of expectations for our Facebook relationship. Is that a little controlling? Probably. But I tend to be on the controlling side. And that is something that I am comfortable and ultimately okay with.

So I am in Abnormal Psychology this semester. Umm... favorite class EVER. Seriously I am in love with this. Learning about all kinds of disorders is so so so very interesting. I think this is opening up the option of pursuing psychology, not just counseling or social work, at a graduate level. How exciting. But seriously, it's so awesome and I am learning so much. I try not to diagnose myself in class. But sometimes... ya just get curious! No major disorders for me so far =).

I am exhausted. Not really physically (although I am pretty tired). But emotionally, mentally, etc. I don't know what it is but it's been a trying month. I think there has just been a lot of reminders and focus on Cambodia/Rapha House/injustice in general. Frankly, I haven't had time to process. That's not something you really consider when you have an emotional day. But I truly haven't had time to sit and think. I haven't had time to feel what I am feeling. It's hard to be at peace with life when you can't even go through how you feel, why you feel it, what to do about it, etc. So this weekend I am going home. Sure, at the end of next week I will go home for Spring Break. But I just couldn't wait. I am so exhausted. I am afraid I won't make it another week of class without being able to go home and process and work through some things. Plus, on Wednesday nights we are going to start a series on injustice with a major focus on Rapha House. I really need to be in a place that I can be an asset to this series rather than an emotional basket-case that I end up being every time something so dear to my heart comes up.

To end, I shall share my favorite portion of my favorite passage of scripture. I encourage you to read Isaiah 58:5-14. But here is Isaiah 58:8:

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and you're healing will quickly appear;

then you're righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."

RIP High Heels

2010-03-06T11:16:00.000-08:00

On Thursday night two of my best friends from high school (Whitney & Erika, also two of my bridesmaids) came to Joplin. We had been planning to take our engagement pictures here in Joplin for quite sometime, but every weekend we set aside for it the weather would freak out and make Whitney unable to drive up to take them for us! So we finally had the opportunity to do so yesterday. We really wanted to take them in Joplin because we could take them at Camp Cyokamo where we met almost 7 years ago.

Well first of all, it was so awesome to finally spend time with my friends again and have them visiting me in Joplin was also fun. We got to hang out with Kara and they came to class with me which was fun. So finally we got to drive out to the place where we met and finally take our pictures. We had a blast =) Cyokamo holds so many memories for us as individuals and together. We even took a couple in the exact place that we met (the old sand volleyball court... the corner still has a big hole from where we dug sand). We took some all around camp and then headed back in to town. We also got to take some pictures on a street in Joplin that is called "Abigail Lane" which we thought was pretty fun. And we ended out the day by taking some pictures randomly downtown, including a small park where my mom and dad took their engagement pictures. We then ate dinner at our favorite local restaurant (Hackett's Hot Wings!) And then Whitney and Erika had to leave... very sad, but I am so glad we got to hang out. Cyokamo holds great memories for me and my friends too... so there was some fun reminiscing.

The unfortunate thing is that my black high heels officially died. I have had them since I was a senior in high school. This pair of heels were my first really cute pair of shoes... they are the result of me branching out in my fashion. I knew the end of their life was coming... they have been falling apart for awhile now. But I think yesterday was their last run. So RIP to my first pair of pointy-toed black high heels. I will miss you. You guided my fashion to a new level and opened new doors to me.

I think that's all for now. I hope you all are enjoying the beautiful sun shiny day!

Your Hands

2010-03-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life can be a bit confusing.

My heart hurts. It's amazing how I was in Cambodia around 9 months ago and I am still reliving those memories on a daily basis. It is really hard to do that, especially knowing that I do not know for sure when I will get to go back. Sure, I have a general plan, but God's plan might not be the same. It's really hard to understand why He would give me a love and passion so great for a group of people, but not allow me to be with them. I know there are things to do here to benefit the people I love and miss, but knowing how it is to be with them, to love them, to care for them... It's hard to take the stance of doing something for them from afar. It's hard to understand the purpose of the daily pain that I feel for the fact that I can't be there.

On the other hand, I do know that one year ago today, I could not have cared less about the people of this world. I do know that God has given me a view of this world that has changed me completely. I know that God has given me a broken heart for broken people... a broken heart I did not possess before. I can't help it but think that God is joyful while I am weeping because he knows that my passion is for His people and the things that He too is passionate about. This gives me reason to be joyful as I cry just for the fact that God changed my heart by allowing me to meet the people of Cambodia.

I know there are good things in pain, I have always been a firm believer in that. I do have so much hope. I have hope for the people of Cambodia, but I also have hope for me. I have hope that God has given me to rest assured that He has a plan. Whether or not I ever get to go back, whether or not I ever get to hug my little sisters, or my sister Theara, or just minister to the kids in impoverished neighborhoods, I will still follow God. I will still have hope for the people of Cambodia, and I will still love the people of this world.

I have unanswered prayers,

I have trouble I wish wasn't there.

I have asked a thousand ways

for you to take my pain away.

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.

When you walked upon the earth,

you healed the broken, the lost, and the hurt.

I know you hate to see me cry.

Someday you will make all things right.

Your hands that shape the world are holding me.

They hold me still.

-JJ Heller

2010-03-01T10:22:00.000-08:00

"Dear Abby,

How are you in there? I want you to come Rapha House again. Do you miss me? I miss you so much! I would like to write the letter back. This letter I send from her to you. I love you. May God bless you."

47 words that make each day even better than it already is. (not to mention that the paper still smells like Cambodia)

Oh wedding stuff.

2010-02-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

First, we booked our honeymoon yesterday! Hooray! It only took us two hours at the travel agent due to original price changes. All in all, we still get to do what we want to do(Cancun/all-inclusive!) but for a better price than we planned. So that is good. It's so awesome to have that booked. Now maybe I will count down the days to MEXICCOOO! Woo hoo. I am sooo excited to be able to get away completely for a few days. Whoever had the idea of a honeymoon was very smart, and I haven't even enjoyed one yet =)

Second, Wal-mart really has some issues. I went back to look at our registry there because we have our first group of people finding out where we are registered- just want to make sure everything is still good. But don't worry, it's not still good. Most items on the registry are only available online now. So not only can I not go to the store and add things to my registry in the store, I have do it online, but I also have to go to each item and make sure it's available in stores. But don't worry, most items aren't available online and in stores. So word to the wise: if you are buying me a wedding gift, go to Target.

Third, pre-marital counseling is fun! A whole hour each week to talk about us=wonderful! Tyler and I had to take this thing called "Prepare-Enrich". It's a self-inventory just to kind of gage where we are both at as individuals but also as a couple. It made me nervous. We had to take it separately and our counselor got to the see the results first. I don't really doubt where Tyler and I are at because I know we have a really awesome relationship, but seeing the results was really nice. I am really thankful for all of the really hard things we have gone through, but also just for the fact that we have known each other for almost seven years. How well we know each other really helps where we are as a couple. I must say, after each session of pre-marital counseling I am more and more excited about where we are, but also where we are going.

It will be here soooo soon and I am sooo glad!

An Overwhelmingly, wonderful gift.

2010-02-24T11:55:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I got this message from a friend. She recently returned from Cambodia. She told me that she had a purse and card for me from one of the girls at Rapha. I waited about 20 hours for this gift to be in my hands. And now I am overwhelmed. It's not like I ever doubted that I left an impact, or that I questioned whether or not this girl really loved me like I love her. But receiving this confirmation that she still thinks of me and I really did leave an impression on her is quite overwhelming. I don't need to hear from her or receive gifts from her, but yes, I want it. It's a want that God didn't have to fulfill, but he did and I am so thankful.

It's been a rough month. I have been thinking of my two little sisters constantly. I don't know what it is. They have been on my mind and on my heart constantly. I miss them. My heart literally desires to hold them again and be with them. To hear their laughs, to see their smiles, to see them sign "I love you" as we drove away each day. This is a desire of my heart that might not be fulfilled anytime soon. But to receive this beautiful purse and card in which she tells me she misses me, she wants me to come back. She loves me. "May God bless you". I am overwhelmed. She asked if I miss her too. Seriously? Every second of every single day. I am so thankful that God granted a wish of my heart. Just to hear from her again makes me so so so happy.

I know it's been a long while since I was in Cambodia, but trust me, I am still processing this day by day. Those girls are not girls you can walk away from and ever forget about. I am so glad that I haven't forgotten the amazing lessons that God taught me. I never want to forget this.

Lifestyle Changes

2010-02-17T10:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I have made some decisions.

First of all, Facebook has lost it's desire for me. It's more of a time waster for me. There are a few people I communicate with on a regular basis on the website, but they are all people I communicate with out side of Facebook. So for the time being, I am not going to use Facebook. I also don't love how communication on Facebook has taken the place of communication out in the real world. I have found that if I don't communicate with someone on Facebook then there is some negative tone about our relationship. I guess I place less value on Facebook relationships than real ones. However anyone else uses Facebook is totally fine with me, but right now it is more of a negative aspect of life than a positive one.

At the beginning of the semester I made the goal to work out three times a week. I have held to this all but one week. Last week I failed to workout three times because on my final day of working out, I did something to my back shortly after waking up. I think it's all better, so I should be good to go this week. This is a change I don't love. Mostly because it's a far drive to the YMCA. There are two in Joplin but one is a little ghetto and in a sketchy part of town. Going there by myself scares me. So I have to drive around 20 minutes to get to the nicer one that is in a better location. I also have the issue of becoming bored while working out. Now, my YMCA here has a personal TV at each workout machine, so that helps. But I am also going to take a book or possibly my Bible to see if this can help the boredom factor. I have an awesome accountability partner who gets really upset when I am not putting effort into working out. That is a big help to me. I told them my goal and they make sure to keep me to it.

This week, I decided to try change number 3. Food. I am going to be honest, I don't eat in the cafeteria a lot. I do several times a week. My problem with the cafeteria is that I feel disgusting when I leave. I don't feel like I am eating well unless I go in and have salad. I have also been trying to minimize the junk food I eat and eat a lot more healthy food. So this week I bought much better groceries than I usually do. I think this will definitely help me. I am not in the market to lose lots of weight, I am okay with my weight. I just think I need to be healthier. I have decided to incorporate fruits and vegetables into every single day. (Wait, you mean I wasn't doing that already? Nope!) So I bought things like grapes, bananas, carrots, and salad. I have also been consistently eating breakfast. My breakfast ranges from a banana, cereal, or a granola bar.

On top of these things I have also decided to read more. Coming from me that's a weird statement because I really do read A LOT. I am always reading a book. I read all kinds of books too. But I decided that I would like to read more books that benefit me in more ways than a fictional escape for a couple hours a week. I won't give up my novels, because I do have a love for reading and they aren't negative influences on my life. But I think I could just use more beneficial reading. I think I might start by reading Beth Moore's new book about Insecurity. I have never read a book by her or done a Bible study that she has written, so I thought maybe she would be a good place to start! Beyond that, the high school girls d-group that I lead has just started a study on Crazy Love by Francis Chan. So I am sure that will help too =)!

I don't really know the reasoning behind the changes, but I feel they are necessary. I would like to be healthier in general. I don't just mean physically, but mentally and spiritually as well. I think each of these things promote healthier lifestyles. Life has been really good lately as I have worked through some problems of my own, and now I feel like it's time to take the next step: I want to become even better. There is no reason for me not to, and I really don't want to plateau right now. So here I go!

What's in a name?

2010-02-08T17:25:00.001-08:00

Recently I heard a sermon by a professor at Ozark. Damien was a guest speaker at our Wednesday night programming at College Heights. He began his sermon by sharing the significance of the names of his children. I have always been a fan of significant names. Whether it is a significant famous person, Biblical name, or a personal significance. I always tell Tyler that I want to use at least one of the names of three people that changed my life. One being HeeJin who was a foreign exchange student from Korea. She changed my life a lot. She and I became very close without getting to use a whole lot of the same language. I haven't heard from her in so long... I miss her greatly and still think about her all the time.

The two other names are the names of my two little sisters who live in Cambodia. They are so precious to me and have changed my life forever. So today, out of boredom, I decided to look up the meanings of their names. So often I think name meanings really do fit the people so I thought it would be interesting. Well, one name meant "beautiful moon" which I thought was interesting. I have always liked the name Bella, because of the song Bella Luna by Jason Mraz. Bella Luna actually means beautiful moon. So that was the first little interesting thing that came of this search... a name that I have always liked because of a song title is actually the meaning of her name..

The other name was perfect. When I saw it, I decided that I have to use it. It's not the most beautiful sounding name... and turns out, in Cambodia it is typically used for a boy so who knows which way I would want to use it. The meaning is "flawless". It's crazy to me because that's exactly what she is to me. She is so perfect. What hits me even harder is just that I know her past. I know what she has gone through, the things that have been done to her... to the rest of the world, especially Cambodia, she isn't seen as flawless, or perfect. But to me she is. So is so perfect, flawless, and sa-aht (okay, I can't spell any word in the Khmer language, but this means beautiful).

Children are a long ways off for me but I know the influence my two precious girls have had on my life... and months later I am still feeling so strongly about them. Plus, I know that once Tyler meets them he will fall in love with them and have no option but to use their names! The most beautiful little (I say little... yet they are not really that young) girls of Cambodia are so important to me... so I am thinking their names shall be used =)

An emotional goodbye

2010-02-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

The night we left Rapha House for the last time was weird for me. It's a memory that has kept coming back in to my mind all week. Maybe it's because it was International Focus Week, we had a speaker from International Justice Mission, or because several of my dear friends are on their way to Cambodia today/tomorrow. I don't know. Whatever it is, I can't get this night out of my head.

I think the older of the two sisters knew we were leaving for good. She said goodbye rather quickly, got in the truck, and sat until they pulled out from the compound. The younger sister might have been oblivious. We said goodbye as always. We hugged inside the property, I went out and got on the bus... I wasn't even crying at this point. I know I am going back. I'll hug them again someday. But then she did it. She came to my window of the bus and began to wave. I wanted to tell her to go away. But I didn't because I knew I needed to savor every last moment possible. She waved. She began to blow kisses. She began to sign "I love you". This is when I lost it. It didn't matter if I was going back or not. What mattered is that I wouldn't be going back the next day.

Then I think it hit her. I can still see her face drop. She finally realizes that I am not coming back tomorrow. I wanted to get off the bus and give her a moment to re-do the goodbye that she probably thought was not the final one. It's so heartbreaking to watch her face change over and over again. I hope she knows I am coming back. I hope she still thinks about me too. I wish I knew why this memory is haunting me everyday. My heart just misses them.

Drive

2010-01-22T21:22:00.001-08:00

I love to drive. I love to take a random drive. I don't do it often because I have to be in a special mood, but also it's too expensive to just drive a lot. But that's what makes drives so special... they are random and few.

So what are the qualifications to a good drive? Well, I have to be able to have my window down and sunroof open. Today was quite beautiful, so this was a good opportunity. But the next qualification for a good drive is feel good music. What did today's music consist of? First, I started with Ingrid Michaelson. Her most uplifting sounding songs are actually quite sad, but her lyrics are absolutely beautiful and that's what gets me. Even though this song is about broken hearts, it's so honest and so hopeful sounding. One song I listened to twice in a row is called Be Ok. She sings "Open me up and you will see I'm a gallery of broken hearts. I'm beyond repair, let me be and give me back my broken heart." I like the first half of that because I think just about anyone could say they are a gallery of broken hearts. I have had my heart broken by friends, guys, people I don't know, tragedy, loss, all of the above. But then the next part of that song bugs me.. because I don't think I am-nor is anyone- beyond repair. Luckily I have experienced repairing and healing when it comes to these broken hearts. So, she has that part wrong =)

So the other song I landed on is a song called Til I See You by Hillsong United. The words are very powerful. I feel that it is a song of complete admiration of our God. "The greatest love that anyone could ever know overcame the cross and grave to find my soul. Til I see you face to face grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you." It just reminds me that God has overcome so much for me and will continue to help me overcome what happens in my life. I have never been given a reason not to trust God. Bad things have happened in my life. I have gone through things I know I could live without. But you know what? I trust God. I trust that everything I have ever heard, seen, or done will help me further his kingdom. It's hard to accept, but I have seen too many bad situations be used for good to believe that my God is not in control and is not looking out for his children. Til I see him face to face grace amazing takes me home and I trust in him.

I don't know what it is about the windows down and sunroof opened with a song that makes my heart happy, but it's a wonderful thing. This a tiny, little thing that truly makes my day better.

Best year ever? I think so.

2009-12-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

Here is what happened in my life in 2009. Some are important, some are minute. All in all, it made up my year!

I turned 20!

Okay, still not super important. But I spent an evening with my mom and Lydia and Jason Mraz. And this time he didn't get sick... so maybe it is a pretty big deal =)

My very best friend and roommate got married! I only lost her as a roommate though. This year marks the first full year of our friendship. I couldn't be more thankful or happy that she is my best friend. God worked a pretty big miracle when putting us together as roommates. It took a lot of unfortunate incidents and awkward moments for it to happen, but he knew what he was doing. We just didn't know that he was giving us our best friend in the process!

This whole next section will be Cambodia. But within my trip I accomplished a lot of different things.

I road a boat down a river for six hours. This allowed me to see a side of Cambodia that I would not have seen otherwise. There are tons of people who live on boats, or in their hut type houses right on the river. Even rural America does not compare to rural Cambodia. It was amazing to see how these people live, especially knowing that this is just a way of life to them. It was pretty cool.

This one is big for me. I got to visit Angkor Wat. Angkor Wat is one of the most amazing man-made things left on this earth. It was incredible to walk the stone where so many people have walked. Just knowing that this is what Cambodia is proud of as a culture was quite humbling. But it was also kind of sad. It was filled with Buddha. It was also sad to see how much value they put in an ancient structure. Angkor Wat is a place of worship to a god I don't worship. In that sense, it was rough. But as I walked through, I prayed. I prayed for the Khmer people who are worshipping a structure and a god that isn't the true God.

Regardless, it was still an amazing day that I will never forget.

I also got to visit Ta Prohm. This is a pretty famous temple. I was really wanting to see it because of the intense tree's that crawl all over the temple walls. It was amazing. Once again, something I will never forget.

I rode an elephant. Up a mountain. Okay. I am glad I did it, but NEVER again. So scary. Thank goodness for an awesome friend who kept me calm. (Thanks Malia!!)

I learned to love 200ish kids who weren't exactly begging me to love them. I did this while being physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And it was one of the best lessons I have ever learned.

I met one of the strongest, smartest, passionate, and loving people I have ever met. Without Malia, my trip would have been completely different. She took care of me from the moment I arrived at LAX til the moment I left LAX two weeks later. Not only did she take care of me, we bonded. She was my roommate for the longest and hardest (but best) portion of the trip. Seriously, Malia had a huge influence on me and still does today. She is one of those friends that I think will last a long time, even though she lives all the way in Seattle.

I can't show you pictures for the 2nd biggest thing that has happened to me this year. My two little sisters changed my life completely. They taught me more about love than I ever thought I could learn from two girls that don't speak my language. They taught me more about life, justice, joy, and freedom than I ever thought I could learn. I miss them wholeheartedly. Not a day goes by I don't think of them. Not a day goes by that I don't long to be with them. Malia told me at the beginning of the trip that when I come home I might not feel whole. That wholeness might not come back until I am at Rapha House. I understand what she means. While I don't feel it's God's calling on my life to live in Cambodia, those girls have a piece of my heart. It's a piece I want them to keep so in case they ever doubt it, they will always feel love. When they think of me I hope they think of how often I hugged them and told them I loved them. I hope they remember me telling them how beautiful they are(beautiful being one of the few words I actually learned). I hope they look at my picture and remember how much I care for them and miss them.

Cambodia as a whole changed my life. I am so glad I had the opportunity to see another culture and learn more about how God's love is meant for all people. I am glad I had the opportunity to spend time with Christians in Cambodia who are trying to give hope to a country that has very little have hope in. It's a place that needs so much prayer and support. Cambodia will forever have a place in my heart.

Okay, next!

I spent a week with my favorite high school students! Not only this, I spent my first week at a camp other than Cyokamo... and I didn't die! Imagine that! This year also marks the first year of being more involved with College Heights High School ministry. I started investing more and became a d-group leader. It's been an awesome experience. And here is the most awesome family group ever: Tyler's Lane.

And incase I haven't said it enough- I got engaged. Not only do I have a new beautiful ring to show for it- but I can finally start planning! And I don't mean my wedding (although, I am planning that). I am finally planning my life with Tyler. It's so awesome. It's awesome to finally have that confirmation that we will be sharing our lives together. Tyler and I have had so many ups and downs. We have been friends for so long. Without the friendship and the crazy good and bad things that have happened with us, we would not have been ready to be together for good. But we have worked through every challenge we have faced. We have celebrated things, enjoyed when our relationship was easy, took care of each other when either one of us was down, and most of all loved each other no matter what came up. I wish I could go in to detail about all of the hardships we have overcome and all of the amazing things that have happened for us in the past year, but I won't. I am so excited to start sharing my life with Tyler. I am so lucky and so thankful!

I told Tyler tonight that my New Year's Resolution is to get married. I know, I think I am pretty funny too. I have never really made a resolution, and I don't think I'll start this year. But know this, even though 2009 was incredible and I had a pretty life changing year, I know that God has great things in store for 2010. I am so ready for this year to start!

Happy New Year! I hope 2009 was one worth remembering. If not, here's your chance to make 2010 a good one!

Last Christmas

2009-12-26T14:48:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

I listen to Last Christmas a lot. Not just at Christmas time, I mean year round. But now is the time that I have an excuse to listen to it with other people, in the car, whatever. It's nice. I have three versions that I like. But the best will always be the original - WHAM! But Taylor Swift and Glee do a good job too =)

I have only been out of school for like a week but it has already felt like a month... and it feels amazing! I got my grades today and that was excited! My lowest grade being a B (B+ and 3 A's are the remaining grades). I am really proud of my work this semester. Those are about the same grades I get every semester, but I got really good grades on my major assignments this semester. My classes were a bit harder and I still did a great job. I am excited about that. I am excited that I have not gotten any C's in college so far. I'd say that's an accomplishment.

Tyler and I spent the last week together. We started out in Owasso for the weekend. We just hung out and did some wedding things like:

Wedding cake tasting! So yummy! I think we have officially decided on cupcakes in stead of doing an actual brides cake. Honestly, I don't love cake. I have only tasted one wedding cake that I just loved and so the cake hasn't been a big deal to me. So I browsed and saw how people use cupcakes for their brides cake. You can dress it up, put it on a tier just like a cake would be set up, and decorate them! So we will probably have cupcakes and sheet cake, plus Tyler's totally awesome groom's cake. I am excited about that. But I probably won't share that information with you at this time.

Our free engagement photo session was canceled because of the weather last Saturday (too cold/cloudy) so I think we are just gonna forget that. It was going to be an extra thing - only because it's free. But my dear friend Whitney (also bridesmaid, best friend from high school) will be taking our engagement pictures sometime. Our current plan is to go to Joplin for it so we can maybe take some pictures at Camp Cyokamo where Tyler and I met. I hope this works out. If not, I am sure we will have pretty pictures anyway!

So after our Owasso visit we headed to Stillwater. We spent most of the week in Stillwater with Tyler and his family. We spent lots of time with his parents, brother, nephew, and sister-in-law. We also got to spend some time with Tyler's extended family which was nice! Especially since we are newly engaged. Then we got stuck in Stillwater for a little longer than expected and Tyler had a shorter stay in Owasso. I really don't like snow. I don't like it because it's cold. It's very pretty, but I still don't like it. I also don't like it cause it changes plans and makes us almost miss Christmas with my family. White Christmas' are overrated. Please stop wishing for them. I am sure those people who have a car stuck on the side of the road agree.

I liked this Christmas a lot more than usual. I think this is for two reasons: I did get to spend it with Tyler which was awesome. But also, due to a class I took recently at Ozark, I feel like I understand why Jesus came and how astounding that is a lot better than before. I have just learned so much about the cross and the reasons for it and this time of year allows us to reflect on the initial act of Jesus coming. It's been a great time of reflection. I am truly thankful that God chose to give us justification through faith by sending a part of him for us. What an awesome God!

Anyway, I hope you had a Merry Christmas!

6 months ago, 6 months to go.

2009-12-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

6 months from today Tyler and I are getting married! Or technically yesterday because it is after midnight, but that is not the point. 6 months usually seems like a long time to me. It doesn't now. Let me tell you something about Tyler and I - he is patient, I am not. I have had to wait for a lot of things. Tyler and I had a weird relationship in high school. God really did us a huge favor by never letting things be right for us to date in high school. He definitely knew that we would mess things up if we did things on our own time. There were some pretty big periods of waiting in our relationship, but it was all for the best.

One thing that I appreciate so much about Tyler is that he thinks God's time is the most important time. He has honored God's plan for when things happen for us. While I hated most of it because of my wonderful dose of impatience, it has always been best. He was right all along that when things actually did happen- it would be worth it! It has been worth it. We have learned more about each other this past semester than ever before. All of the lessons we have learned this semester were much needed and so important to us moving forward. I am so proud of who he is. I am proud of what he values most, and that is God's plan. I am so lucky to have someone who puts God first.

So where was I 6 months ago? Besides not engaged =)

6 months ago on June 12, 2009 I was in Cambodia. I was currently spending my time at Rapha House loving on those girls. I was hugging them, playing with them, laughing with them, etc. I was being loved, hugged, and laughed at all in the process. Especially as I tried to speak their language to them =). Funnily enough, the language of hugs, kisses, and holding their hands spoke enough.

It's crazy to think that was 6 months ago. In some ways it feels like it was 6 years ago. So much has changed in my life since then. The most obvious change is that I am engaged now. That's a pretty big difference. I have changed. I have taken on more responsibility at College Heights. I decided to invest more by leading a d-group. I have dealt with some other crazy things that have honestly taken over my mind since Cambodia.

Today I spent just a couple of hours at the Rapha House gallery. They were having an Open House for Christmas. It was a lot of fun to be a part of. It was the first real opportunity I had to volunteer and I am really glad I did. All week I was kind of in a mood. I was pretty down, not really for any good reason. The week before finals is always stressful. So today I woke up and was kind of feeling better. But being at Rapha House changed my day. It's so hard to me to go in to the gallery and come out with the same mood I had before. Rapha House and my little sisters there have changed my life forever. I don't know how many people I said that to today. I mean it. I am forever changed because of them. They are forever changed because of the hope of Jesus Christ. I love that.

There was a video playing. It was a pretty recent thing. I am not sure when it was taken, but it was taken since I had been there. It was crazy how different some of the girls looked. The youngest girls in particular. They were so young and so happy when I was there, and not a lot had changed. They were still beautiful little girls and laughing constantly. I tried to describe these girls to some visitors in the gallery but it's like, near impossible to relay how beautiful, inside and out, these girls are. It's impossible to relay to you the incredible impact they have on any life that comes in contact with them. Those girls have a special place in my heart. It's really hard to think that it's been 6 months since I have hugged them, kissed them on the forehead, held their hand, played with their hair, signed "I love you", and watched one sister in particular stand outside my window on the bus waving and pressing her hand opposite of mine on the cold glass. Saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest nights of my life so far. That whole experience, the last hugs, watching them out the window, and driving away, is so fresh. But I know that I will get the experience of reconnecting with them someday. I miss them. I know they love and miss me.

For anyone who has ever prayed for a girl at Rapha House, I just want you to know that they love you. They pray for you too. They are so thankful for you. I mean this. If you showed up on that piece of land today, they would celebrate you. They love you. They would change your life if you ever got the chance to meet them. Just like you would change theirs.

It's still crazy how the girls that have been through the worst lifestyle, not by choice, are the most joyful girls I have ever met. It still amazes me to think about. Today I kind of re-lived that moment of my first steps into the gate at Rapha. It gives me chills and tears to think about. To be surrounded by victims of sex-trafficking and being celebrated by them is incredible. Really, just the fact that they celebrate life is incredible.

I can't wait to see how my life changes in the next 6 months. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty good =).

I need you now and forever.

2009-11-18T11:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe it has been awhile. This has been my busiest semester so far. Yet it is the least amount of school hours I have ever taken. Good thing I dropped that class before the semester started! So lets cover what is new with me and maybe what has been keep me so busy (besides school work!)

1. College Heights. Can I just say I LOVE this church! It's an awesome place for a college student to grow and go to worship each week. But more than that- the people I worship with follow me throughout the week. It's awesome. Our youth ministers wife, Michelle, has invested a lot in me and is helping me learn how to be the significant other of a minister. She's awesome. We are so different in so many ways, but that challenges me more than anything! I love her a lot.

My d-group meets weekly and they are awesome! I have four girls that are honest and transparent. They ask questions and bring thoughts to our group that I did not think of. I don't think they realize that they are leading me just like I am meant to lead them. They are so awesome. We are going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It's just a very short daily reading, but SO thought provoking and deep. It's not something to be taken lightly. These girls have been consistent and growing. I love them a whole lot!

2. This past week was VERY exciting. I mean VERY exciting. Friday and Saturday were both AMAZING days. Lets start with Friday.

Last week I got a call telling me that the Cambodian director of Rapha House would be in town to visit as he is in the US for the National Missionary Convention. When I heard this I was VERY excited! I finally got to see a Khmer person for the first time since Cambodia- and it happens to be one of my favorite Khmer people. Let me just tell you a bit about this man. He used to have a pretty awesome job. He gave it up for Rapha House. He gave it up to take part in rescuing girls from awful lives and letting them explore Gods plans for their lives. He is incredible. He was never too busy for the girls. He spent evenings out playing soccer with them. Even if he was on his way to do some important work, he always found time to stop and hug each girl or stop and play with them briefly. He has a heart for these girls as big as anyone I know. Not only that, he cares about every single person he meets. Including the perpetrators of these girls. His heart is awesome.

So as I walked up to him on Friday night at the Rapha House open House, I got a reaction I didn't expect. He totally recognized me. I didn't expect him to remember my name but he knew he had met me. I was excited about that. He was very happy to see me and meet Tyler as well. I was so so so glad that at least one of the people closest to me could have the opportunity to meet a man I look up to. Not only did he recognize me, but he gave me very detailed updates on my two little sisters that I love and miss so so much! He told me that the younger of the sisters is doing so well and growing to love God more and more each day. Praise the Lord! He did say that the older sister has troubles from day to day. She is in a bit of a different stage of life so it's a little different, but it was not too concerning he said. That's another awesome thing about it. They have around 100 girls in their program... and he knows the progress of each of them as individuals. He is awesome. I sent him a letter and some pictures a couple months back and so he finally put a face and a name to that package. That was fun. He took a picture with me on his camera to show my little sisters that he saw me. That was an awesome night!

Okay so Saturday came. And well, that was pretty exciting.

It all started with a typical date. Tyler took me to one of our favorite places (Olive Garden). This is where we had our first date. When we go to dinner he usually tells me sometime during the meal what the rest of the night holds for us. This particular night he told me we would go to Kara and Jeremiah's to play games. Recently we have been going over there a lot and playing Clue. So, it's not that I don't want to hang out with my best friend, but I was kind of upset. I didn't understand why would spend our date night with them. So I kept asking how long we would be there and why were going and it that meant our special date time was over as soon as dinner was over. I was genuinely upset.

So we got to their apartment and usually they have to let us in the first door and then we walk through the hall and get to their actual apartment door. So I thought it was strange that neither of them waited for us but both doors were just cracked (but no, I still didn't understand what was going on.) So I opened the door to their apartment. It was pretty dim and I could see a couple of tea light candles from the walk way- again, I thought, this is weird. So I kept walking further and all of the sudden one of our favorite songs, "Until You" by Dave Barnes, began to play right at the chorus. (the first words I heard were "I need you now and forever") So it kinda began to fall together. As I walked further and got my first view of the living room, this is what I saw: (but just imagine it dimmer)

I was shocked!! So I just kinda stopped because I didn't have any idea what to do. So Tyler came over to me, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him! It was the best thing ever! I couldn't believe it. I was sooo upset with him that we were going over there... little did I know. He definitely did the best job ever surprising me. He also did the best job ever getting me this:

Yeah I love it! I was so excited! And I was also equally surprised by this ring! After he proposed, my best friend and her husband came out of hiding and celebrated with us. She had two bridal magazines and a card ready for us. They were so awesome and I am so thankful they got to be a part of that night as well! So thanks to them for letting it all happen in their apartment. Apparently Kara has known about this for two weeks... I couldn't believe it!

I am so excited to finally get to start planning my life with Tyler! I have liked him for so so so long. I cannot believe that we are getting married! It's so weird. After 6 1/2 years of being friends, and we are finally moving to this awesome step! It's all so very exciting.

Anyway, there you go. I thought you should know a little bit about what has been going on with me.

"I need you now and forever, just stay right here with me, don't ever leave. Love was kept from me like a secret, I swore that I was through until you."

A non-Cambodian post!

2009-09-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

God is so good. Something happened last week and it has kinda been on my mind all week, so I might as well share it.

A student in our youth group talked to Tyler last week about wanting to be in a small group. She and another girl were hoping to get in one. He explained that small groups happen as students want them and leaders want them. So he told her he would talk to Beau, the high school minister, and get back to her. Just fifteen minutes or so after that I texted him. Earlier this year I was supposed to start leading my group of girls from our girls retreat as a small group, but only two could really commit to our group. So I was kinda bummed about not having a small group like I had planned so I didn't know how he would suggest I go about getting a small group. So naturally, he was kinda blown away about the timing of the two conversations. One week later I have five girls committing to a d-group with me. I am SO excited.

I had coffee this morning with our high school minister's wife, Michelle. I wasn't really sure why necessarily, all I knew is that God kinda laid it on my heart last week to meet with her and talk about this whole leading a small group thing. I am really glad I did. I left there feeling so encouraged. I mean, the whole timing made it apparent that this was God's idea and God's plan and not about how I want to lead girls, but about how he wants me to lead girls. But even after my conversation with Michelle I do feel that this is right. She gave me more insight on some of the girls that just really showed me that I have more to offer them than I thought.

After church tonight I still am feeling really encouraged. I feel like this is the exact group that God has decided for me to minister to. Each I feel I can relate to on a lot of different levels and I feel that God has good things in store.

I am also just so thankful for the ministry at College Heights. I told Michelle today that I have never thought I would even want to stay in Joplin for longer than I am going to school, but I would. I am so thankful to be in Joplin at this time. There are so many Godly women that are willing to invest in me and my life. I had a conversation tonight with a minister's wife. It just blows my mind that she genuinely cares for me, but it's obvious she does. We spent one semester working on the same team but she always stops to talk and my conversations with her leave me so encouraged. There are so many women in my life right now that are constantly pouring and I couldn't be more thankful. I have been very ready to move on from Joplin, but I do realize that I am never going to be in this place ever again. So I need to get what I can from it. Having this state of mind is such a blessing. It is so easy to hate where I am. Being in college is kinda rough sometimes, being where I am in relationships is rough, but I couldn't change anything. I am so thankful for where I am right now. There are so many people pouring in to mine and Tyler's lives. It's awesome.

Well there we go. My first post that is not about Cambodia, crazy! But I know that the changes that have happened in me in the past few months all began in Cambodia. So really- it all relates.

I hope your week is awesome!

Words

2009-09-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

Whenever the word hope is mentioned, I picture two of the six year old girls experiencing their first month of true hope that they have been introduced to. Whenever the word justice is mentioned, I think of the people still begging on the side of the road in Cambodia and how they have yet to receive their justice. Whenever peace is mentioned, I think of the morning we spent touring Rapha House and I can clearly hear girls singing in Khmer. Whenever the word freedom is mentioned, I picture the girls playing soccer in the front. Whenever the word love is mentioned, I lose it completely. All I can think about is the love that I have for my two beautiful Khmer sisters. I think about how much they loved me. I think about how much God loves those amazing girls. I think about how their love literally changed my life. I think about how his love has changed their life. I think about how he loves the outcasts that fill Women's Island. He loves the kids at the kids club. He loves the parents that are only looking out for themselves. He loves the parents who sell their children. He loves the men who buy the children. That mostly leads to this: I think about how he still loves the offender. He loves the men who live in Cambodia and take part in the booming sex industry. He even loves the American business man who flies over seas to take part in this terrible act. His love isn't conditional. His love isn't reserved for the people who try to act according to his word. His love is reserved for every single person who has ever breathed a single breath.

Love is a crazy thing. I have never seen God's love as best as I saw it in Cambodia. Love has many different faces to me. People who love me, people who I love. It's never people that I should be loving but am not. Who am I to choose who is worth my love? I don't deserve God's love. I accept it and I am so thankful for it, but I have never done a single thing worth the amount of love he has for me. I get more from him than I deserve. For that reason, every single person I have ever seen, talked to, thought about, and those who I don't know exist, are worth every bit of my love.

If I don't love them, how will they ever know that God does?

Reflection

2009-09-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

6/10/09

"Last night was eye opening. As we drove through Phnom Penh we began to see the Red Lights go on in the back of establishments. The girls began to take their places to be seen and attract customers. It was heart breaking. I wanted to jump out of the bus and save them but I know that some of them don't even want to be saved. It's so frustrating to witness it right in front of my face but do nothing about it. Why can't we save them?"

"As we walked down the isle the girls made, I cried. It was an experience I will never forget. I have no words to describe what it was like being celebrated by girls who have been raped and abused countless times. It was overwhelming.

The girls are beautiful. I think what makes them more beautiful than other Cambodian women that we have seen is their joy. The Lord brightly shines through their mouths, their eyes, and their voices. Who knew such young girls that have been through such terrible things could have more joy than I could. I love them so much."

6/11/09

"We got to take our tour of Rapha House this morning. The whole location was peaceful and calm. Very often we could hear girls singing in the background. It was beautiful. The buildings are beautiful and calm. You can just tell that God lives at Rapha House."

6/12/09

"After that, we sat on the porch. She just laid her head in my lap and I played with her hair. Love doesn't speak one language. It is a language. It was a beautiful moment."

"I saw her at the market. I didn't know she was shopping for me at the time though. The necklace has a guitar on it. It's not the prettiest necklace, but it's the most beautiful thing I own. I can't believe she spent money on me. I can see that she loves me. I love her so much. I will miss these two girls more than anything in the world."

6/13/09

"I learned tonight that I have to let go. In order to help them heal, I have to let go. I can be in their hearts and they can be in mine. I will see them again. I will spend eternity with them. I thank God for that. I can't wait to worship with my sisters in His very presence."

6/14/09

"My heart feels heavy. I already miss them so much. Their smiles are as bright as the sun and their laughter is the sweetest music this world could ever give. Their hugs are as sweet as can be and the way they hold my hand warms my heart. She was not as happy tonight. I know she was dreading our goodbye. So was I.

I felt so alone when driving away. I was on a bus full of people I have only known for a week. I had just said goodbye to people that I love. I longed for a familiar embrace. I longed for someone that knows me to comfort me.

I long for their protection. I pray that as sisters they will always watch over each other. Their sisterly love astounds me... and that they would treat me the same way. God blessed my heart through my sisters."

Progress

2009-09-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.examiner.com/x-16813-Legal-News-Examiner~y2009m8d31-Operation-Twisted-Traveler-arrests-American-sex-tourists-in-Cambodia

I don't know if you have seen anything on the news about this, but it is making pretty big level news. And it's exciting.

People think that they can go to places like Cambodia and other countries in SE Asia and do what is unacceptable in America. I am not just saying that because that's what someone else told me. I say that because standing in a market in Siem Reap I overheard an man telling his son that it's okay to do this in Cambodia, but not at home. That's one of those stories that I don't think most people want to hear, but here are three men who did the same exact thing. And it's making headlines. To me, this is a good day. I know that it's not like they raided another brothel or arrested 50 people. But three more men out of Cambodia is a major victory. The news caring about this is huge. People are going to see this and realize that it isn't okay like they assume.

The hardest part about my whole trip wasn't being with girls who have been through sex-trafficking. The hardest part wasn't leaving Rapha House. The hardest part wasn't dealing with cultural differences. The hardest part was seeing western men walking the streets at night looking for places to go and not being able to do a single thing about it. This is why this one story of three men feels like a huge milestone to me. Because I have seen men just like them. I have been to the exact village they mention in that article.

I cry a lot about things that have to do with Cambodia... pretty much everyday. But tonight it's not a sad cry. These are tears of extreme hope in the fact that God will bring justice in His time. Even if it happens slowly. He doesn't abandon His people.

You'll Come

2009-08-26T12:39:00.001-07:00

Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed.

Those are lyrics to a Hillsong United song called "You'll Come". I love this song for a lot of reasons. Mostly because the lyrics are so full of optimism and hope.

At one point on my trip, I found myself on a 5 hour boat ride from Battambang to Siem Reap. Prior to leaving, we were told that we will past through boating villages and communities. We were told that sex trafficking existed even in those communities. So for a portion of this trip, Malia, Jessica, and I sat on the very front of the boat out from underneath the covering. It gave us a much cooler breeze and view of all of the people. I was thankful for this leg of travel because it allowed us to see yet another side of Cambodia: the people who choose to live on the rivers.

I eventually turned my Ipod on. I put the songs on shuffle. And I am pretty sure God chose what songs to play for me. There were a series of songs that had totally uplifting lyrics and helped me feel like there is so much hope for Cambodia. It gave me hope for the girls that I know are still in trafficking.

Eventually You'll Come came on. The very first words of this song are "Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed." As I am watching the people as we float by, some children wave and run as much as they can to continue to wave to us, some children look hopeless. So here I am, staring into the faces of children that are potentially in modern day slavery and the words "chains be broken" are being repeated in my ears. That moved me. I wanted to reach out to each child we passed and tell them that there is hope for them too. I wanted to tell them that even though their physical shackles might not ever be broken, they can obtain freedom. Even in modern day slavery, people can have hope, peace, love, and even justice.

We sang this song in chapel yesterday. It was actually the very first song we sang. That was hard. But it was kind of appropriate timing. Because when I am in chapel at 10 o'clock AM on a Tuesday morning, it is 10 o'clock Tuesday evening in Cambodia. This means that while I am freely worshipping God with my classmates on campus at my school of choice, thousands of girls are preparing themselves for the night of work that lies ahead. It's hard. It's hard to be surrounded by loving Christians singing words like "chains be broken" and automatically my thoughts are filled with the horrible night that lies ahead for thousands of girls.

So what do I do? Well I have to pray. There is no other choice. I have to automatically pray for the girls that are in bondage. I have to pray because I can picture riding our bus around Phnom Penh at night looking in to the shops, seeing the red lights go on and the girls come out. I have to pray that God will bring them some sign of comfort and hope that night if they won't be rescued.

I know there is hope for the 27 million people still in modern day slavery. I just have to pray that they can see the hope as well.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may find peace. In this world you will face many troubles but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

How Great Thou Art

2009-08-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: For some of you, you are reading my blog because you received my follow-up letter in the mail this week. I just want to encourage you to read previous posts about Cambodia. I have already written about many stories that are dear to my heart. I hope you will go back to read those too!

Okay, end the disclaimer!

-----

Our first morning at Rapha House was particularly serene. I can remember touring the compound thinking about how peaceful that morning was. It was quiet, you could hear the slight wind... But mixed in with the quiet I could hear some of the girls singing. It was beautiful to hear nothing but their voices literally echoing throughout the buildings. I also remember it being particularly cool that morning which added to the peacefulness. Morning time in Cambodia are generally the hottest hours of the day. But God really blessed us as we saw the buildings and experienced the land for the first time.

But before we were able to tour the grounds, we experienced our first staff devotion with the incredible Rapha House staff members. I did not think a whole lot going into this time, but it turned out to better than I expected (as was every experience on my trip). My team was able to share a little bit about ourselves individually, then the staff introduced themselves to us as well. One of the first things we did was worship. They had hymnals to sing out of and we could join in when we knew the song, or participate by praying when we did not know the songs.

The very first song we sang was How Great Thou Art. As we began to sing with them my heart filled with a new gratitude toward God. Hearing the voices of our team worshipping in English mixed with the voices of the staff worshipping in Khmer was unlike anything I have ever experienced. At first our voices were distinct. The people there just sing in a different way. We rarely heard harmony and it became obvious that singing to them is not about the music what-so-ever at all. As we moved on from verse to chorus to verse, our voices meshed. It could have been my own ears adjusting, but personally, I think that God blessed me with a new view that morning. It's like he allowed me to hear what he hears. He doesn't hear Khmer or English, he just hears our hearts. I am still so thankful he opened my ears in such a way that I could hear the beautiful worship of his people from more than one place in this world.

I love how God weaves past experiences into new experiences. I say this because my very first Sunday back at home I was really excited to be back at church. Ironically, the very first song we sang that Sunday was How Great Thou Art. It was a very different sound than worshipping in Cambodia (as expected!)... but clear as day, I could hear the Rapha House Staff singing the same song in Khmer. I have a feeling that I will always be hearing that song in Khmer from now on. And that is really okay with me.

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to thee, how great thou art...

Freedom in Cambodia

2009-07-28T06:40:00.001-07:00

The sound at Rapha House is soothing. I don't think it is the compound, or the acoustics. It is just the girls. Anywhere they are, beautiful music is played. Their laughter is overwhelming. Hearing them laugh and play with each other brings so much joy.

It is an overwhelming sound of freedom.

Yes, the most important thing is that the girls were saved from slavery. They are no longer slaves to horrific master. That's a great thing. But the girls are given so much more than they bargained for. You see, other children in Cambodia (even children who are not in slavery) are not free. Most children that we came in contact with were still under a different kind of bondage. If they have younger siblings, they become caretakers.

Our group put on a Mother's Clinic one day. Two mothers in our group spoke to the Khmer mothers. They talked about being good mothers and the ways to do that. They talked about health, nutrition, and caretaking. They also told the mothers to be mothers and let their kids be kids. The mothers don't allow their older children to run and play and be kids. They expect them to take care of their younger siblings(something ironic is that one girl brought her little sister to the mommy clinic because she is her caretaker...) They might be free in the sense that they aren't slaves of sex trafficking or of child labor. But they are not free to be kids.

In America, we have opportunity. Seeing chilren playing on a playground or in front yards is not uncommon. The only place you see children playing in Cambodia is in the dirty streets, but that is only until their parents find out where they are.

I have mentioned the Kids Club we participated at. This place is freedom for the kids of the slums. As different as those kids were, they showed me a new sense of freedom. Watching those kids come through the gate is like watching them run into a candy shop or a water park. They light up. They wait outside of the gates just to get in to play for the afternoon and they become sad when 7 oclock comes and it is time to go home. Their freedom for the day is gone. The family that we worked with is Jesus to their neighborhood. They provide a way for kids to be kids.

Like I said, there is nothing like watching the girls at Rapha laugh and play with each other. They know they have been given freedom from sex trafficking, freedom from obligations to be caretakers for younger siblings, but most of all, Rapha House gives them freedom in Christ. They are given teaching about how Jesus died to set them free.

I still have a hard time understanding why God gave me the opportunity to be a part of something so great in a place that is overcome with darkness. I hope that by everything that I write you can understand how your prayers and thoughts are a part of a huge light in Cambodia.

Isaiah 58:6-14: Justice

2009-07-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

The people of Cambodia don't really have anyone fighting for them. Because of the Khmer Rouge, there is so much poverty. Because of this poverty, they have to do whatever is possible to make money. This includes things like, making jewelry, learning to cut hair, sewing clothes or making fabrics, or things like selling their children. Luckily, there are organizations bringing justice to much of the slave situations. There are people rescuing children and arresting the perpetrators. But still, the people of Cambodia are hurting. No one is fighting for them. No one besides God. This passage brings me a lot of confidence that God is looking out for all of the nations that have no one else fighting for them.

⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The Lord will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.
¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.
¹³ "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the Lord's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the Lord,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the Lord has spoken.

Love, Justice, Freedom

2009-07-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

While I was in Cambodia, a lot of the members of my team were discussing tattoos. Many of them planned on getting tattoos when they returned to their hometowns. All of these tattoo ideas were about words or ideas that would constantly remind them of our experiences. I don't have any problems with tattoos. I think they are for some people but not for others. They are not for me... the whole pain thing, plus who knows if I would love to look at it in 30 years... It's just not for me. But I wanted to do something. I wanted to do something artistic and meaningful. I wanted it to be something that could go in a place that would remind me each and every day of the things that I learned. So I bought a canvas and I painted.

There we go. So I will dedicate this one post to the first word that I painted. First I will tell you that the colors are all significant. The first color, which is a bright blue, is to represent one of the two girls I became attached to. She had three or four shirts total and two of them were that bright blue. That's what she met the night I met her... I will always associate that color with her.

Love.

Have you ever loved a person and all that they wanted was for you to express that love to them? Have you ever known someone who you were sent to love and they just relish in your love for hours? It's easy to love them.

Have you ever been told to love people that want nothing to do with you? Have you tried to love a person who just does not really feel the need to be loved by you? It's hard to love them.

The Rapha House girls wanted our love. I know that I loved those girls long before I met them... but I am positive they loved me before I arrived. They have so much love to give. But more interestingly, they want love. They just want to be held and adored. So that's what we did. From the moments we arrived until the moment I was sitting on the bus to leave Rapha for the last time, they loved on us and accepted our love. These girls were made to love and be loved.

So as you can imagine, when we entered the gates of the Kids Club in Phnom Penh, we were shocked. Initially I expected lovable kids to fill the area. But let me tell you about the kids that are not given the life at Rapha House. They are rough. We walked in the gates and were not greeted by smiling children who anticipated our hugs. We were greeted by children who looked us up and down and did not care to love on us. The hardest part was that they were reluctant to accept our love. I am guessing I hugged about 3 kids in the 3 or 4 days I spent there. Some children would run up and hit us and run away. We had instances of them drawing inappropriate pictures on the pieces of paper we had given them to draw on.

Honestly, I wanted to just go and sit down and have nothing to do with them. I had just spent 3 or 4 days with the most beautiful and lovable little girls in Cambodia and now I was with children who did not want my love. I told myself that my time is precious and I don't need to be spending my time trying to give my love to kids that don't want it. Uh, hold on. Did I just say that? Did I just say that I don't need to love the people who are harder to love and should just love people who already have plenty of love? You probably know where I am going with this.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was about loving people who don't want my love. Those people are probably the ones that need my love and attention most of all. Loving the girls at Rapha was sooo easy! But the Kids Club... it was soooo hard.

I think that we can find these two groups of people in America. We find people who want to be loved and we find people who think they are perfectly fine without the love of anyone. Those are the people that I want to love. I want to love the people who say they don't need love. I want those people to become like the other people who long to be loved by anyone and everyone and to give that love in return. I want the children of the Kids Club to become like the girls at Rapha, where love is in the center of their lives.

So I hope this can encourage you when it's hard to love someone. Whether it's someone you know, someone you don't know, someone you work with... just remember that those are the people that might need your love more than those who accept your love easily.

A very special guitar.

2009-07-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

There were two girls who I met at Rapha House that had a pretty big impact on my life. These two girls are sisters. Their ages are 13 and 17. They have lived at Rapha House for three years. Originally, they were sold for labor trafficking in a boating community... but eventually they were exploited in the community. They were sold together, rescued together, and now they love life together.

Right now I want to tell you about one of them. The older sister had a huge impact on my life. She was actually the very first girl that introduced herself to me at the beginning of the welcoming party. I had no idea that she would continue to hold such a special place in my heart...and she will forever.

My first big memory with her was on the second night. I had been spending my time with the two sisters and eventually, she started calling me mother. This touched my heart in a new way. I began wondering some things... I had to guess that her mother is not in her life. Some families are still in touch with their daughters, but I assume hers isn't. She was calling a perfect stranger one of the dearest names. A mother is someone who loves and protects you. A mother is a person who provides. What did I do that she would call me mother? Might I mention that she is just 3 years younger than me? I can't imagine a 17 year old that I know today walking up to me and calling me that. But I am going to be honest, I wish I could have brought her home to be her mother. But I know that it must be my place to love her from the other side of the world.

Something I should mention before I begin the next memory is that we were not really supposed to ask girls what their stories are. No matter how close we felt to them, some of them are not far enough in the healing process to verbalize their stories outside of counseling. So stories just were not shared. I don't know if the girls realize that we know why they live there, or if they think we don't have any idea.

The second memory I should mention was after devos on the same night that she called me mother. One of the other girls on our team had given her own testimony of how her father trafficked her as a child. After devos, the girl who called me mother found our translator so she could tell me something. She pulled Theara over and spoke to her a minute and told her to tell me something that shocked me. She wanted me to know that she had the same story as the girl who gave her testimony... that she had also been trafficked. I honestly had no idea what to say, so I just hugged her. Her sister was standing right there so I just hugged both of them. I told them I loved them. What do you say when a girl wants you to know that she had been trafficked? I was touched that she wanted me to know.

The final one happened on our last day in town. We had stopped by the salon where the girls work (this particular girl works there) and were going to walk over to the market. So we walk over, and we notice some of the girls that work at the salon were shopping. So I found my girl and gave her a hug and told her I would see her later tonight. So we go back to the salon where we were supposed to meet and she pulled me into a back room. She then gave me a necklace. I'll just be honest, when I saw the necklace I had to let out a little giggle. It's a pretty good sized guitar. It's unique, but I have to love it. I couldn't believe that she would spend her money on me. I wanted to tell her to get her money back! But I have worn it every single day since I left and will continue to. It's the silliest necklace, but it's probably she most meaningful peace of jewelry I have.

I wish I could tell you her name, or show you her beautiful face... and I can in person. But for the safety of the girls we are not to share their information or publish pictures to the internet. I would love for you to find me and ask to see her picture, along with her sisters...and show you the beautiful necklace she gave to me.

After she began to call me mother I would correct her and tell her we are sisters. Instead of her being my daughter, I told her it would be better if we are sisters because we will be sisters for eternity, so we should just start being sisters now. One of the things that excites me most about Heaven right now is knowing that I can talk to all of my dear sisters from Rapha. I can talk to them without frustration, hesitation, or worry that they will understand. And the best part is we are going to be worshipping the same God together for longer than a lifetime.

Freedom

2009-07-04T18:53:00.001-07:00

I know that this holiday is about our freedom. As Christians it is also about our freedom from sin. But this year I can't help it but reflect on a different freedom. Freedom for people that don't live in America and don't designate today to celebrate their freedom.

In the 70's the people of Cambodia spent 4 years under the rule of the Khmer Rouge. They experienced communism. They were forced to leave their homes in the city and take part in what Pol Pot thought was the best way to run a country. He forced them to do labor as a part of his view that the agricultural lifestyle would do best for them. Eventually he began executions. Who did he have killed? Anyone who was educated, or previously worked with the government. He feared being overthrown and decided that only educated people would do that, so he had them killed. Over the four years about 1.7 million people died. They died of execution, malnutrition/starvation, and other diseases after being forced to live in the country.

I also think about each of the girls I met that are experiencing freedom today that I cannot even comprehend. They were slaves. They were slaves in like, the worst way possible. They were in bondage for years. They were used for years. But now they are in a home where they are given the freedom to be children. They laugh and play. They get an education, and they are excited about their education. They have the freedom to love life again.

I am thankful for my freedom. But for two weeks I was shown what freedom from modern day slavery is like. I was also shown places where there are still girls in bondage. I was shown a whole nation of people that have a new excitement and zest for life because they are free from the Khmer Rouge.

So today, I am thankful for my freedom. But I am thankful for the freedom of people all over the world that have been through years of slavery and bondage. I am thankful for the opportunity to see a new freedom in the Kingdom of Cambodia. I am thankful to have spent time with girls who are now dwelling in a place that they have been given a new freedom.

Walking down the isle...

2009-06-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

Many people in my lifetime have informed me that walking down the isle would be one of the greatest moments of my life. They were right, but I don't think they knew what isle they were talking about.

As we arrived at Rapha House on a Wednesday night, our whole bus grew silent. We were finally at the place we had all been anticipating. We have looked forward to meeting the girls who have dealt with such a hard past and just to love on them. My team leader stood up and just smiled at us and prayed. During this prayer, we were all so filled with excitement that most of us began to cry. Yes, I cried about meeting the girls even before I met them. As we got off the bus, we could hear lots of clapping and cheering. The girls were clapping for us. They had formed an isle from the front of the gate and into the compound. As I approached the isle I was handed a beautiful arrangement of flowers and proceeded to walk down the isle. As I walked down the isle girls would reach out their hands in the midst of their huge smiles and their clapping. I would briefly hold on to each hand as I moved down the isle. It was completely overwhelming. At the end of the isle stood members of my team and we all just cried.

Prior to getting of the bus my team leader told us that entering the gates at Rapha House would be much like entering the gates of Heaven. What's amazing to me is that I do believe that it would be similar... an isle of people cheering for me and these people greatly anticipating my arrival. I don't know how it could have been better, but that's the cool part. Heaven is even going to be better than that.

I was surrounded by girls that had been sex trafficked for their whole lives before being there and they were cheering for me. They had been preparing to meet me all day long, just as I prepared to meet them. I have never felt so unworthy of celebration before. I just wanted to clap for them and show them how amazing they are and how each one of them is a miracle. Those people in my life were right. Walking down the isle was the absolute greatest moment of my life. And sure, there might be another isle some day to rival that moment. But I think this moment will always be placed on a whole different level.

2009-06-24T08:35:00.001-07:00

So I currently find myself in Panama City Beach, FL. Quite a big change from Cambodia. I am happy to have a week of this whole reintegrating thing. It's not very easy on a lot of levels. The food is different here and not easy to adjust to, I think my stomach still thinks it should get certain meals at certain times and it doesn't, falling back to sleep is not an option. I am sleeping at a weird time than I have been and so if the slightest noise wakes me up, I stay awake cause my body is confused as to why I am sleeping in the first place.

I would love to share all of the details about my trip but it's really hard to do. The trip was very emotionally tiring. We did not do much physical labor, but mentally and emotionally and spiritually it was tiring. While everything was happening it was not easy to take it all in, so right now I am still processing. I cry a lot. I miss it a lot. I think about where I would be eating breakfast, or where I would be on my way to if I were there and it makes me sad. I didn't think I could like it as much as I did.

But it's just really hard to tell people why it was amazing. It was the best thing in my life, and part of my heart is always going to be in Battambang, Siem Reap, and Phnom Penh. I can tell you the things we did, many stories, and show you pictures of the beautiful people and places that I saw. But I don't think I will truly ever convey why it changed my life. There are two little girls who single handedly changed my life. I wish I could show you their faces, but I can't on here.

I can answer questions and I can tell you stories, but if you just say tell me about your trip, I won't know what to say. I might just cry or something.

Sus' day from Cambodia!

2009-06-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

Sus' day means goodmorning. it's technically not morning for me, or you, but its the only greeting i know.

Just wanted to update briefly while I have a moment! I love this place. the people, the girls, everything about it is incredible. the culture is incredible, this city is incredible.

God is truly working through this ministry. I want everyone to know and be a part of it.

Please keep praying for me and the team, and each life we encounter in Cambodia!

Acoon! (thank you)

4 days!

2009-06-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to pack for days. But it just seems like nothing is ever ready to go. It's weird for me because I love packing. I love organize. I love making lists, and crossing things off! But I can't seem to find the desire to put the stuff in my bag.

So basically there are three initial things I worry about a lot concerning my trip to Cambodia.

1. Food. I am WAY picky when it comes to food. I don't even like Asian food... not at all. I have been told that at most meals I should be able to just have some rice and not a lot more. I can handle that... I like rice. My biggest fear about it is weird meat. I have this issue of if I don't like it, I don't eat it, and not eating leads my lovely head to a migraine. So let's just hope I will be brave and eat whatever is set in front of me!

2. I don't know anyone going. I am going alone. Okay, not alone, but not with anyone I know. I am not independent, I don't like to do things on my own. Why did I choose to go again? Oh well. I know that I have things in common with others going, like loving Jesus and stuff. That's a good thing to have in common with people I am traveling to Asia with!

3. LONNNGG plane ride. That totally scares me. Not because I think we are going to crash. That's not really on my mind. I am just worried about being claustrophobic and once again having a migraine. I also really hate using the rest room on planes. Ugh. Again, the question pops in my head, why am I going???

I was actually asked why I decided to go while I was at work today. I didn't have a terribly great answer. I just explained that sex trafficking is a terrible thing and that I want to do what I can to help the young girls that are forced into such a terrible trade. He told me it takes a special person to do that. I have confidence that God has been preparing my heart... and will be up until the very moment I leave.

I am also nervous about saying the wrong things. As I think about the girls and how sometimes they are sold by family members, people they love and trust, husbands, aunts, uncles... I hope I can be sensitive to the fact that their view of family and friends and trust and love and even their view of life is going to be far different from my view. I live with a loving family who would never sell me to meet their financial needs. I have friends who would not trick me for the purpose of selling me. I will have a husband who will marry me to share life with me, not so it's easier to sell me. But they don't have that. Someday they may be able to have family, friends, and love the way I will. But right now they don't. I hope I can be sensitive to that and say the right things. More importantly, hopefully I won't say the wrong things.

Well, I think that concludes my final blog before I go. Please pray for all of the things I have mentioned. Also, I will leave a link to the website that will have trip updates throughout. I don't really know how often it will happen, but in case you care, here it is!

http://www.ciy.com/missions/trips/updates/

You should be able to find updates on there. I have no idea who will do it or when, but it will happen.

Please remember me for the next two weeks...and remember the 19 others I will travel with... and the kids at the Kids Club and young ladies of Rapha House as I share my love for Jesus with them. It's going to be an adventure!

It's all about the timing.

2009-05-19T19:55:00.001-07:00

First, I just have to say that Kris Allen is quite amazing. I actually voted for the first time since Kelly. I have never wanted a person to win American Idol so bad. But I have also never wanted a person to NOT win so bad. (David Archuleta is close in who I wanted not to win, but I think I could have handled that okay...)

I just think that when a white guy from Arkansas sings a Kanye West song and like makes me LOVE a Kanye West song(a song that I previously hated)...he means business.

Anyway, more important things.

I am thankful for new beginnings and transitions. The transitioning of life is refreshing and a reminder that God's plans are what is right. I am just thankful for his timing.

Cambodia is nearing..but there's a lot before. I started working today. I don't love this job but it is great money. So I can't complain. Not to mention working with my sister is AWESOME! It's great to get tips again...I love taking money home everyday =)!

Saying goodbye yesterday was way hard. I cried a lot on Sunday night, a lot on Monday morning... so many tears. I hate leaving when things are just great. I didn't get to see Kara yesterday but as I drove away, all I could think about was leaving my two best friends. I haven't ever had a friend like Kara. I hate that our lives have to change so drastically to where we aren't even in the same place anymore... but soon we will be. I can't wait to go celebrate the most awesome party of her life with her. I am SO excited to be with her on that day.

I just can't thank God enough for his divine timing and the way that he shows us his love by timing things his own way. I am thankful he doesn't listen to me. I couldn't have pictured a better time.

Hellloooooo summer!

2009-05-15T06:47:00.001-07:00

Summer is always an exciting word, but not today.

Summer=leaving Joplin. This is something I am not ready to do quite yet. Mostly because my two best friends will be here... and when I come back to Joplin in a few weeks, one of those best friends will be getting married. How weird. I don't know if I am ready to give her up as my roommate... I don't know if it is possible to find another match like us. We recently talked about how we can't really think of any times when we have ever actually been upset with each other, or not wanted to live together, or didn't look forward to seeing each other. And now that goes away. How sad. I am ready to have my own room and have a lot of space... but I'd rather have a roommate like Kara.

I am not quite ready to do this whole distance thing with Tyler AGAIN. It seems to be the story of our entire friendship/relationship. "Hey, it's summer, I'm gonna go to Poland. Hey, it's summer, I'm gonna go to Houston. Hey, it's summer, at least I am staying in Joplin!" He stays closer and closer every year, so that's good. But I'd prefer no hour and half drive. At least I know I am coming back and I don't just live an hour away like high school.

Summer also means things like working a ton, going to Cambodia, going to church camp... I am kinda walking in to the unknown on two big things. A. Cambodia, which I think is enough said. B. Camp. It's weird to think I am going somewhere besides Cyokamo. I feel like I am cheating on Cyokamo. But I am so looking forward to spending a week straight with this youth group and just getting to know them better. Not just that, letting them get to know me better. I can only build relationships to a certain extent by spending two 2 hour intervals with them a week. Maranatha, here I come!

I am really looking forward to a lot of things, I just wish I didn't have to leave people here in Joplin. But really, working with my sister, Cambodia, Florida, church camp, and spending time with my family and high school friends? I guess it won't be too bad!

For such a time as this...

2009-05-02T21:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a long while! It has been a busy few weeks...so busy!

First off, school is so consuming. This has definitely been the hardest semester. I am not sure if I have had more/harder work or it's just that there have been a few other things taking up my time. I have thoroughly enjoyed my classes this semester though. Each has been super interesting and I have been learning so much.

This semester I was given the opportunity to write four sermons and preach two to my class. That was quite an experience. A great experience. I had the opportunity to debate hot topics in my Philosophy class. That was also quite an experience, not the best one. I am not that comfortable with speaking in front of people without being prepared. I managed to do this without crying and fleeing the scene so I did overcome the expectations I had =)! I got to spend three hours a week learning a million new things about counseling. That class has been wonderful. I got to spend three hours a week learning about the way different social and ethnic groups interpret the Bible... also looking at the history of interpretation. So interesting! I also spent one night a week learning about the many different topics that women struggle with and how to minister to them in their times of crisis. I learned so much and definitely feel more prepared for situations that could arise in my future and in the future of those around me.

The Jason Mraz concert was this week. That was so awesome! It was so awesome to get to go and spend a night out with Lydia and my mom. It was their first time to see him live, I am glad I got to witness it. He is such an amazing musician. It has been four years since he has been to Tulsa... hopefully it won't be another four years for him to return

The last really tiring thing that has happened as of late was the Girls Retreat. We spent all semester preparing and praying for the high school girls at College Heights Christian Church. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if it would be incredible or just okay. I knew our plans were great, but would everything come together? It sure did. The team of women that I got to work with was amazing. I'll tell you what, even being a leader this weekend, I needed so much of it. Being consumed with school, working, raising money, preparing to go to Cambodia, preparing to end this school year and leave all of my friends for months has been so tiring. I just spent 24 hours with 40 high school girls and probably 15ish amazing women. I have said/thought this so many times in the past semester: why did I get to take part in something so great with women so great? I am a 20 year old girl who doesn't have life figured out. Why could I be chosen to minister to girls who think that when you are 20 you do know what's going on and what life is. Well I don't. But something I learned this weekend was that it wasn't an accident. It wasn't an accident that I got to help plan, that I was placed in the group of girls I was placed with, that I spent last night at Julie's house and got a little refreshing moment of talking about things that don't get talked about in my life.

God gave me a lot of surprises in the past week in preparation for this weekend and all of them were perfect. It wasn't an accident. As tiring as it was to staying up past 3:00 AM, play last night at House of Bounce, and wake up at 8 AM and do Zumba... it was worth the truth sessions and the Royal Party where the girls were treated as they should be. We had a beautiful banquet and were served by wonderful women. I can catch up on sleep. I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

A certain song became the theme, so if you don't mind, I'll be sharing some lyrics.

Captivate us, Lord Jesus
Set our eyes on You
Devastate us with Your presence
Falling down
And rushing river, draw us nearer
Holy fountain consume us with You
Captivate us Lord Jesus, with You

Terrify No More

2009-04-09T22:01:00.000-07:00

I just finished one of the suggested readings for my trip to Cambodia and it was intense. I learned so much.

I learned about an organization that isn't just working to rescue young girls, but their mission actually works to stop the sex trade in Cambodia. They don't just save the girls and leave the brothels to replace the girls. They don't just buy the girls out to leave the brothels with more money than they would have even made on her before. They take the girls, put them in aftercare facilities, and work with Cambodian police to arrest the perpetrators. They do whatever it takes to stop this thriving business.

I learned so much about what I will be walking through when I walk the streets of Phnom Penh in less than two months. In less than two months I will see the places I read about... I will even meet girls just like the ones I read about.

I read so many stories of slaves gaining a freedom they were tricked out of earlier in life. So many of the people caught in slavery were tricked there. So many of the girls are tricked by older women and then sold. So many of these girls are sold by parents, aunts, or uncles... even husbands. So many of the people in slavery are bonded by a debt that was gained by a relative so many generations earlier that they don't even know their name. They are bonded by lies and threats. It's so frustrating!

But it's something I think everyone needs to know about. Dateline did a report on it, actually on the specific raid that took place in the book. I found it online and found it crazy to see the stories I read.

Well there is my little rant about Cambodia and about the new realization I have had on how much slavery there is in the world.

I am in awe that God is letting me be a part of this mission.

2009-04-03T19:39:00.000-07:00

It was a calm evening at Sonic. I was about to take an order out and the phone rang, before I could make it out the door my manager told me it was for me. When my mom started the conversation with "everything is okay..." my mind went somewhere else. Why is it when we hear a phrase like that we assume the opposite? Lydia and James were still in Joplin and my first thought was that for some reason they would be coming home and they were in an accident... but it was something I couldn't have made up in my own mind. The words "dad" "stroke" and "brain aneurism"(ended up no brain aneurism) were involved. That's about all I got out of that conversation, other than gathering that I should stay somewhere that night.

I went home and got my things ready for school the next day and went to the Killions. It still confuses me why I would choose to go there instead of the comfort of my best friends home... but then again it makes sense. This is when I figured out that they really are my family too.

I walked in and it was really confusing. I told Blaine I was staying with them and he was just like, alright. So we watched TV and worked on homework... then Cathy came. She didn't know about my dad. That was probably one of the worst parts. It was less than two hours after I found out and I had to actually say it out loud to another person who had no idea. How do you get those words out? How did I? I have no idea. After that moment I decided to shower and sleep.

April 3rd, 2006 was over. I had no idea that that day would begin something new in my life and in the life of each person in my family. There were days harder than this one to come, but this day was significant. Three years later I can only say I am thankful for that day and everything that has come with this journey.

Decisions, decisions.

2009-03-31T12:46:00.000-07:00

I have had to make a few decisions lately and something occured to me...I have gotten much better at saying no-even to the things I really want to do.

I really do wish I could apply to be RA, but I think it best if I don't. I am more interested in taking my involvement at College Heights to a new level. I would rather focus on that ministry... Those high school girls probably need more time from me than I would be able to give if I had to be here for my floor as well. While I think I could possibly handle this, I don't think it would be what is best for our floor. I really want this decision to be made based on the floor and not myself.

I would really love to lead a freshman small group, but a couple of the requirements would not fit in with what is best for my life next year.. an extra class that would cause me to rearrange my work schedule, and a recommended limit on how many hours I take... no thanks. I would love to, but once again, the small group I will be leading come May deserves my full attention.

I realized with my tax refund being more than $20 this year I could maybe afford to buy a digital camera. But then it hit me-- OH. By the end of July I have to drop $250 if I want insurance on my computer. So there goes my new digital camera, here comes $250 on something I hope I need. This is the first time I have wished that my computer would break. Gotta put that 250 to use.

School is going to end soon and that's weird. I'll be a junior. I am almost halfway done with college.. or at least at this level. It's so weird to me that I have no idea where I am going or what I will be doing after graduation. I hope I have clearer plans by this time next year. But who even knows. That's the crummy part of letting someone else have control of my plans. But the great part is at least I know He is making the right choices for me!

Countdown

2009-03-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I preached today. I had been dreading this day all semester. It came, the preaching is done, and I'd like to think I conquered.

It was such a blessing to be able to take the work I put in to something, express it to my peers, and have them tell me that my sermon could be a blessing in their lives. I kinda viewed it as they are there to evaluate... but on my evaluation forms, so many of them wrote that they needed to hear what I had to say. I am so thankful that God calmed me...and that he used me today.

I have two weeks of NO assignments due. I don't even know what to think! I also no longer work on the weekends... all of the sudden all of this time is coming! Woo! It's wonderful to have a little break... on top of the week I just got =)

Countdown, anyone?

35 days til Jason Mraz!
51 days til school is out!
74 days til Cambodia!

These are exciting times!

2009-03-22T13:52:00.001-07:00

Spring Break is coming to an end. What an unfortunate thing!

At one point, I was so eager to use my entire summer to do something By do something, I mean go somewhere... not be at home. But that is no longer the case. I am so eager to come back and work and just rest. I realize that the school year makes me so tired... summer is for a reason. This year, I have chosen to work, go to Cambodia, and work some more. I will also have the opportunity to go to church camp with College Heights... that will be weird. I have only been to two church camps in my entire life. Both are dear to my heart... but here is to a new one! Not to mention the fact that Tyler and I will be at camp together once again... crazy how things can end up!

Tyler and I spent the entire break together... people have made comments of how this is something significant. Believe it or not, I wanted nothing more than to spend the whole week with him. I will get a whole summer without him. That's enough time away.

I realized something weird today. A family friend mentioned to me that I am an adult... I got to thinking about how I can't picture living somewhere else. I can picture living at school of course, but I can't picture having my own apartment... or living with people other than my parents. I can't imagine not coming home for a summer, or moving on to a different place after graduation, yet it is what I want. I hate having this desire for something I can't even picture.

I can't picture Cambodia, or Rapha House, or the Kids Club or the faces of the girls I am going to meet. I can't picture moving out of my dorm room someday and into another home- my new home. I can't imagine being out of driving distance from Owasso. It's unfathomable... But in reference to unfathomable Heaven is- I think the best things are the one we can't picture.

That sure makes life a little more exciting.

2009-03-12T22:16:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it's like when you get far enough into a friendship when it's not like you have to go out or do something out of the ordinary but just sitting in good company is sufficient? I love that. That point has been reached recently. So much that I like to spend my everyday sitting in the company of a few marvelous girls and there is nothing else I'd rather be doing... just laughing and saying extremely strange things and doing tongue stretches. Have you ever been there? I'm there.

Have you ever been to the place in your life when all of the sudden you are actually learning from school? I didn't do a whole lot of learning in high school... mostly just what I needed to get by. Don't get me wrong, I tried hard, but I don't think I retained a whole lot. But now that I am learning things I care about, I feel like I actually retain knowledge. I am actually growing in the brain area. I'm there.

Did you ever reach a point where you decided that right where you are is better than where you want to be? Not because it is suddenly the place you want to be, but because God's provision proves that he keeps us where we should be. I don't mean geographically. I mean mentally. I'm there.

Has there been a moment in your life when all of the sudden you are able to make sense of the past experiences you have had? Like, all of the sudden it hits you --"This is why God had me go through this..." These moments are great. I'm there.

Have you ever had a moment when you realize that something you dread doing and really hate to do is teaching you more than the things you love to do? I'm there.

Do you have those moments where all of the sudden it doesn't matter if someone has been treating you poorly or they seem to have given up on you? Why do we even reach those conclusions? Is it maturity, or apathy? I don't know. But I think I am there.

Did you ever face a time when your two worlds collide? (example: high school friends and college friends) I am about to be there.

Was there ever a time when God was sending you on this journey and you thought that the journey had a specific start date (June 7th would be my example), but the journey actually started the day God showed you which door of opportunity to knock on? I'm there.

That's where I am.

15

2009-03-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait to be home next week. Speaking of, my birthday is a week from today.

I got my flight itinerary for my trip from LA to Cambodia this week.. That was weird. My first thought was "oh, you mean...I am actually going there??" Strange. Money is going well.. I have a very small amount left. It's been a great experience.

I have so many plans for this summer... it's crazy. Especially since three weeks of it is me being gone... which is wonderful. But I wonder how I am going to fit these plans in to the allotted time I have been given for a summer break.

My brother is coming home!! And he will be there on my birthday!!! How awesome!

Tyler and I have been together for 15 months today. I like that because this month celebrates 15 months and the 15th of this month is my birthday. 15 must be a good number for me.

I really hope Duke beats UNC today so I can wear my Duke hoodie to Biblical Communication for Women and show Damien how it feels!!

You know how people say that God has a sense of humor? I am pretty sure my birthday is the result of that sense of humor. What is one of my least favorite things to do? Watch sports. Football, Basketball, Baseball, Golf, ANYTHING except Volleyball. Yet, God has given me the birthday of this years Selection Sunday for the tourney. A prime example of God's humor. March is my favorite, yet least favorite month of all. Sports fan think of March as "March Madness"... I think of it as "Abigail's Birth Month!!!" cause that is what it is really all about =)!

Anyway, there are a collection of random thoughts for you... My life is going to get busier next month. Luckily I have a week to spend with family....and Tyler...and Tyler's family.

As Tyler would say...

Deuces.

Jason Mraz, Slumdog Millionaire, HOME!

2009-02-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

Some great things:

-After four lonnnggg years of waiting Jason Mraz is finally returning to Tulsa!

-I bought Jason Mraz tickets this morning!

-Slumdog Millionaire FINALLY came back to Joplin after being here for a random weekend earlier this month.

-I saw it. And I loved it.

-I have raised around $2,000 for my trip to Cambodia!

-I think that God is going to let me be a part of something big.

-I had a meaningful conversation with a friend I haven't connected much with since last year... that was awesome.

-I have a really great boyfriend. I mean, REALLY great.

-I get to go home in two weeks and stay home for about 5 or 6 days!!!!

-I will be with my closest friends, college and high school. It's going to be amazing.

-I actually have motivation to do homework today! So I am going to do that.

There's an update!

Still My God

2009-02-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

Two in one day, I know. crazy!! But I have regularly been checking itunes for a song I have been anticipating. Avalon sang this at the concerts we had back in December. It is a brand new song and it's so powerful, so I encourage you to at least purchase this song on itunes...it's so great and powerful and encouraging. But anyway, these are the lyrics to Still My God by Avalon.

Up and down
Like the tide is moving
In and out
We're in motion and the ocean pulls us under
And even there You're found
You never change
So I will sing...

If I'm standing on a mountain
Or drowning in a sea
If I am filled with hope
Or crying out for mercy
If I'm singing hallelujah
Or scared to make a sound
If I am learning how to walk
Or when I'm falling down
I'm saying You are still my God
Still my God

In a world
Where so much seems uncertain
You remain hope for the strong and broken
No matter where we are
You are never far
And nothing changes who You are

If I'm standing on the mountain
Or drowning in the sea
If I am filled with hope
Or crying out for mercy
If I'm singing hallelujah
Or scared to make a sound
When I am learning how to walk
Or when I'm falling down
I'm saying You are still my God
Jesus, you are still my God

2009-02-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't know what God is doing. I don't mean that in a "I don't know his plan" way, but sometimes I just don't know why he does things I guess...I don't know why he sent me to that meeting. It was overwhelming. But that meeting and the opportunities God is giving me is making me realize how great he thinks I am. I have suddenly realized that he thinks I can do things I don't think I can do. He has faith in me. How weird is that...and all along we thought it was about our faith being in him... It's just weird to think about. Sure I am being vague... the point is that I still don't see why it's necessary for me to be involved in things that are truly bigger than I am. But maybe God think I am a way bigger deal than I think I am.

During our Valentine's Day date, Tyler and I had to walk over to our friends apartment to return some pans we used to make dinner. On this walk a quote came out of one of our mouths. I think I said it, I don't really know. But we were talking about our presents for each other (which we made ourselves...) and this was said: "It's funny how different things look to the creator". We both kind of took a pause because while it was not any deep conversation, a deeper thought bubbled in both our heads.

The way I view myself is probably very different from God's view of me...and before I started this Bible Study I have been doing, I don't think I ever really considered how God views me... but I think I get it a little better now. He wants me to be involved with a group of women in their 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's. He wants me to help with a retreat about something I am still on the opposite side of. He want me to be involved with influencing these girls with the story of Esther, and frankly, I am just not qualified! But God doesn't look at me and see a girl that is 19, not married, and still in the middle of my story rather than having my life figured out and without a set story that I let God write for my life. I don't like how skewed the view of myself is. I don't like that there are so many influences that make us think that something about ourselves is bad when God only sees it as good.

Lately I have become way more uncomfortable in this world than I have ever been before. It might be uncomfortable, but knowing that I am coming in to who I need to be and who God intended me to be is not something I would give up for a comfortable life.