What's in a name?

Recently I heard a sermon by a professor at Ozark. Damien was a guest speaker at our Wednesday night programming at College Heights. He began his sermon by sharing the significance of the names of his children. I have always been a fan of significant names. Whether it is a significant famous person, Biblical name, or a personal significance. I always tell Tyler that I want to use at least one of the names of three people that changed my life. One being HeeJin who was a foreign exchange student from Korea. She changed my life a lot. She and I became very close without getting to use a whole lot of the same language. I haven't heard from her in so long... I miss her greatly and still think about her all the time.

The two other names are the names of my two little sisters who live in Cambodia. They are so precious to me and have changed my life forever. So today, out of boredom, I decided to look up the meanings of their names. So often I think name meanings really do fit the people so I thought it would be interesting. Well, one name meant "beautiful moon" which I thought was interesting. I have always liked the name Bella, because of the song Bella Luna by Jason Mraz. Bella Luna actually means beautiful moon. So that was the first little interesting thing that came of this search... a name that I have always liked because of a song title is actually the meaning of her name..

The other name was perfect. When I saw it, I decided that I have to use it. It's not the most beautiful sounding name... and turns out, in Cambodia it is typically used for a boy so who knows which way I would want to use it. The meaning is "flawless". It's crazy to me because that's exactly what she is to me. She is so perfect. What hits me even harder is just that I know her past. I know what she has gone through, the things that have been done to her... to the rest of the world, especially Cambodia, she isn't seen as flawless, or perfect. But to me she is. So is so perfect, flawless, and sa-aht (okay, I can't spell any word in the Khmer language, but this means beautiful).

Children are a long ways off for me but I know the influence my two precious girls have had on my life... and months later I am still feeling so strongly about them. Plus, I know that once Tyler meets them he will fall in love with them and have no option but to use their names! The most beautiful little (I say little... yet they are not really that young) girls of Cambodia are so important to me... so I am thinking their names shall be used =)

An emotional goodbye

The night we left Rapha House for the last time was weird for me. It's a memory that has kept coming back in to my mind all week. Maybe it's because it was International Focus Week, we had a speaker from International Justice Mission, or because several of my dear friends are on their way to Cambodia today/tomorrow. I don't know. Whatever it is, I can't get this night out of my head.

I think the older of the two sisters knew we were leaving for good. She said goodbye rather quickly, got in the truck, and sat until they pulled out from the compound. The younger sister might have been oblivious. We said goodbye as always. We hugged inside the property, I went out and got on the bus... I wasn't even crying at this point. I know I am going back. I'll hug them again someday. But then she did it. She came to my window of the bus and began to wave. I wanted to tell her to go away. But I didn't because I knew I needed to savor every last moment possible. She waved. She began to blow kisses. She began to sign "I love you". This is when I lost it. It didn't matter if I was going back or not. What mattered is that I wouldn't be going back the next day.

Then I think it hit her. I can still see her face drop. She finally realizes that I am not coming back tomorrow. I wanted to get off the bus and give her a moment to re-do the goodbye that she probably thought was not the final one. It's so heartbreaking to watch her face change over and over again. I hope she knows I am coming back. I hope she still thinks about me too. I wish I knew why this memory is haunting me everyday. My heart just misses them.

Drive

I love to drive. I love to take a random drive. I don't do it often because I have to be in a special mood, but also it's too expensive to just drive a lot. But that's what makes drives so special... they are random and few.

So what are the qualifications to a good drive? Well, I have to be able to have my window down and sunroof open. Today was quite beautiful, so this was a good opportunity. But the next qualification for a good drive is feel good music. What did today's music consist of? First, I started with Ingrid Michaelson. Her most uplifting sounding songs are actually quite sad, but her lyrics are absolutely beautiful and that's what gets me. Even though this song is about broken hearts, it's so honest and so hopeful sounding. One song I listened to twice in a row is called Be Ok. She sings "Open me up and you will see I'm a gallery of broken hearts. I'm beyond repair, let me be and give me back my broken heart." I like the first half of that because I think just about anyone could say they are a gallery of broken hearts. I have had my heart broken by friends, guys, people I don't know, tragedy, loss, all of the above. But then the next part of that song bugs me.. because I don't think I am-nor is anyone- beyond repair. Luckily I have experienced repairing and healing when it comes to these broken hearts. So, she has that part wrong =)

So the other song I landed on is a song called Til I See You by Hillsong United. The words are very powerful. I feel that it is a song of complete admiration of our God. "The greatest love that anyone could ever know overcame the cross and grave to find my soul. Til I see you face to face grace amazing takes me home, I'll trust in you." It just reminds me that God has overcome so much for me and will continue to help me overcome what happens in my life. I have never been given a reason not to trust God. Bad things have happened in my life. I have gone through things I know I could live without. But you know what? I trust God. I trust that everything I have ever heard, seen, or done will help me further his kingdom. It's hard to accept, but I have seen too many bad situations be used for good to believe that my God is not in control and is not looking out for his children. Til I see him face to face grace amazing takes me home and I trust in him.

I don't know what it is about the windows down and sunroof opened with a song that makes my heart happy, but it's a wonderful thing. This a tiny, little thing that truly makes my day better.

Best year ever? I think so.

Here is what happened in my life in 2009. Some are important, some are minute. All in all, it made up my year!

I turned 20!

Okay, still not super important. But I spent an evening with my mom and Lydia and Jason Mraz. And this time he didn't get sick... so maybe it is a pretty big deal =)

My very best friend and roommate got married! I only lost her as a roommate though. This year marks the first full year of our friendship. I couldn't be more thankful or happy that she is my best friend. God worked a pretty big miracle when putting us together as roommates. It took a lot of unfortunate incidents and awkward moments for it to happen, but he knew what he was doing. We just didn't know that he was giving us our best friend in the process!

This whole next section will be Cambodia. But within my trip I accomplished a lot of different things.

I road a boat down a river for six hours. This allowed me to see a side of Cambodia that I would not have seen otherwise. There are tons of people who live on boats, or in their hut type houses right on the river. Even rural America does not compare to rural Cambodia. It was amazing to see how these people live, especially knowing that this is just a way of life to them. It was pretty cool.

This one is big for me. I got to visit Angkor Wat. Angkor Wat is one of the most amazing man-made things left on this earth. It was incredible to walk the stone where so many people have walked. Just knowing that this is what Cambodia is proud of as a culture was quite humbling. But it was also kind of sad. It was filled with Buddha. It was also sad to see how much value they put in an ancient structure. Angkor Wat is a place of worship to a god I don't worship. In that sense, it was rough. But as I walked through, I prayed. I prayed for the Khmer people who are worshipping a structure and a god that isn't the true God.

Regardless, it was still an amazing day that I will never forget.

I also got to visit Ta Prohm. This is a pretty famous temple. I was really wanting to see it because of the intense tree's that crawl all over the temple walls. It was amazing. Once again, something I will never forget.

I rode an elephant. Up a mountain. Okay. I am glad I did it, but NEVER again. So scary. Thank goodness for an awesome friend who kept me calm. (Thanks Malia!!)

I learned to love 200ish kids who weren't exactly begging me to love them. I did this while being physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. And it was one of the best lessons I have ever learned.

I met one of the strongest, smartest, passionate, and loving people I have ever met. Without Malia, my trip would have been completely different. She took care of me from the moment I arrived at LAX til the moment I left LAX two weeks later. Not only did she take care of me, we bonded. She was my roommate for the longest and hardest (but best) portion of the trip. Seriously, Malia had a huge influence on me and still does today. She is one of those friends that I think will last a long time, even though she lives all the way in Seattle.

I can't show you pictures for the 2nd biggest thing that has happened to me this year. My two little sisters changed my life completely. They taught me more about love than I ever thought I could learn from two girls that don't speak my language. They taught me more about life, justice, joy, and freedom than I ever thought I could learn. I miss them wholeheartedly. Not a day goes by I don't think of them. Not a day goes by that I don't long to be with them. Malia told me at the beginning of the trip that when I come home I might not feel whole. That wholeness might not come back until I am at Rapha House. I understand what she means. While I don't feel it's God's calling on my life to live in Cambodia, those girls have a piece of my heart. It's a piece I want them to keep so in case they ever doubt it, they will always feel love. When they think of me I hope they think of how often I hugged them and told them I loved them. I hope they remember me telling them how beautiful they are(beautiful being one of the few words I actually learned). I hope they look at my picture and remember how much I care for them and miss them.

Cambodia as a whole changed my life. I am so glad I had the opportunity to see another culture and learn more about how God's love is meant for all people. I am glad I had the opportunity to spend time with Christians in Cambodia who are trying to give hope to a country that has very little have hope in. It's a place that needs so much prayer and support. Cambodia will forever have a place in my heart.

Okay, next!

I spent a week with my favorite high school students! Not only this, I spent my first week at a camp other than Cyokamo... and I didn't die! Imagine that! This year also marks the first year of being more involved with College Heights High School ministry. I started investing more and became a d-group leader. It's been an awesome experience. And here is the most awesome family group ever: Tyler's Lane.

And incase I haven't said it enough- I got engaged. Not only do I have a new beautiful ring to show for it- but I can finally start planning! And I don't mean my wedding (although, I am planning that). I am finally planning my life with Tyler. It's so awesome. It's awesome to finally have that confirmation that we will be sharing our lives together. Tyler and I have had so many ups and downs. We have been friends for so long. Without the friendship and the crazy good and bad things that have happened with us, we would not have been ready to be together for good. But we have worked through every challenge we have faced. We have celebrated things, enjoyed when our relationship was easy, took care of each other when either one of us was down, and most of all loved each other no matter what came up. I wish I could go in to detail about all of the hardships we have overcome and all of the amazing things that have happened for us in the past year, but I won't. I am so excited to start sharing my life with Tyler. I am so lucky and so thankful!

I told Tyler tonight that my New Year's Resolution is to get married. I know, I think I am pretty funny too. I have never really made a resolution, and I don't think I'll start this year. But know this, even though 2009 was incredible and I had a pretty life changing year, I know that God has great things in store for 2010. I am so ready for this year to start!

Happy New Year! I hope 2009 was one worth remembering. If not, here's your chance to make 2010 a good one!

Last Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I listen to Last Christmas a lot. Not just at Christmas time, I mean year round. But now is the time that I have an excuse to listen to it with other people, in the car, whatever. It's nice. I have three versions that I like. But the best will always be the original - WHAM! But Taylor Swift and Glee do a good job too =)

I have only been out of school for like a week but it has already felt like a month... and it feels amazing! I got my grades today and that was excited! My lowest grade being a B (B+ and 3 A's are the remaining grades). I am really proud of my work this semester. Those are about the same grades I get every semester, but I got really good grades on my major assignments this semester. My classes were a bit harder and I still did a great job. I am excited about that. I am excited that I have not gotten any C's in college so far. I'd say that's an accomplishment.

Tyler and I spent the last week together. We started out in Owasso for the weekend. We just hung out and did some wedding things like:

Wedding cake tasting! So yummy! I think we have officially decided on cupcakes in stead of doing an actual brides cake. Honestly, I don't love cake. I have only tasted one wedding cake that I just loved and so the cake hasn't been a big deal to me. So I browsed and saw how people use cupcakes for their brides cake. You can dress it up, put it on a tier just like a cake would be set up, and decorate them! So we will probably have cupcakes and sheet cake, plus Tyler's totally awesome groom's cake. I am excited about that. But I probably won't share that information with you at this time.

Our free engagement photo session was canceled because of the weather last Saturday (too cold/cloudy) so I think we are just gonna forget that. It was going to be an extra thing - only because it's free. But my dear friend Whitney (also bridesmaid, best friend from high school) will be taking our engagement pictures sometime. Our current plan is to go to Joplin for it so we can maybe take some pictures at Camp Cyokamo where Tyler and I met. I hope this works out. If not, I am sure we will have pretty pictures anyway!

So after our Owasso visit we headed to Stillwater. We spent most of the week in Stillwater with Tyler and his family. We spent lots of time with his parents, brother, nephew, and sister-in-law. We also got to spend some time with Tyler's extended family which was nice! Especially since we are newly engaged. Then we got stuck in Stillwater for a little longer than expected and Tyler had a shorter stay in Owasso. I really don't like snow. I don't like it because it's cold. It's very pretty, but I still don't like it. I also don't like it cause it changes plans and makes us almost miss Christmas with my family. White Christmas' are overrated. Please stop wishing for them. I am sure those people who have a car stuck on the side of the road agree.

I liked this Christmas a lot more than usual. I think this is for two reasons: I did get to spend it with Tyler which was awesome. But also, due to a class I took recently at Ozark, I feel like I understand why Jesus came and how astounding that is a lot better than before. I have just learned so much about the cross and the reasons for it and this time of year allows us to reflect on the initial act of Jesus coming. It's been a great time of reflection. I am truly thankful that God chose to give us justification through faith by sending a part of him for us. What an awesome God!

Anyway, I hope you had a Merry Christmas!

6 months ago, 6 months to go.

6 months from today Tyler and I are getting married! Or technically yesterday because it is after midnight, but that is not the point. 6 months usually seems like a long time to me. It doesn't now. Let me tell you something about Tyler and I - he is patient, I am not. I have had to wait for a lot of things. Tyler and I had a weird relationship in high school. God really did us a huge favor by never letting things be right for us to date in high school. He definitely knew that we would mess things up if we did things on our own time. There were some pretty big periods of waiting in our relationship, but it was all for the best.

One thing that I appreciate so much about Tyler is that he thinks God's time is the most important time. He has honored God's plan for when things happen for us. While I hated most of it because of my wonderful dose of impatience, it has always been best. He was right all along that when things actually did happen- it would be worth it! It has been worth it. We have learned more about each other this past semester than ever before. All of the lessons we have learned this semester were much needed and so important to us moving forward. I am so proud of who he is. I am proud of what he values most, and that is God's plan. I am so lucky to have someone who puts God first.

So where was I 6 months ago? Besides not engaged =)

6 months ago on June 12, 2009 I was in Cambodia. I was currently spending my time at Rapha House loving on those girls. I was hugging them, playing with them, laughing with them, etc. I was being loved, hugged, and laughed at all in the process. Especially as I tried to speak their language to them =). Funnily enough, the language of hugs, kisses, and holding their hands spoke enough.

It's crazy to think that was 6 months ago. In some ways it feels like it was 6 years ago. So much has changed in my life since then. The most obvious change is that I am engaged now. That's a pretty big difference. I have changed. I have taken on more responsibility at College Heights. I decided to invest more by leading a d-group. I have dealt with some other crazy things that have honestly taken over my mind since Cambodia.

Today I spent just a couple of hours at the Rapha House gallery. They were having an Open House for Christmas. It was a lot of fun to be a part of. It was the first real opportunity I had to volunteer and I am really glad I did. All week I was kind of in a mood. I was pretty down, not really for any good reason. The week before finals is always stressful. So today I woke up and was kind of feeling better. But being at Rapha House changed my day. It's so hard to me to go in to the gallery and come out with the same mood I had before. Rapha House and my little sisters there have changed my life forever. I don't know how many people I said that to today. I mean it. I am forever changed because of them. They are forever changed because of the hope of Jesus Christ. I love that.

There was a video playing. It was a pretty recent thing. I am not sure when it was taken, but it was taken since I had been there. It was crazy how different some of the girls looked. The youngest girls in particular. They were so young and so happy when I was there, and not a lot had changed. They were still beautiful little girls and laughing constantly. I tried to describe these girls to some visitors in the gallery but it's like, near impossible to relay how beautiful, inside and out, these girls are. It's impossible to relay to you the incredible impact they have on any life that comes in contact with them. Those girls have a special place in my heart. It's really hard to think that it's been 6 months since I have hugged them, kissed them on the forehead, held their hand, played with their hair, signed "I love you", and watched one sister in particular stand outside my window on the bus waving and pressing her hand opposite of mine on the cold glass. Saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest nights of my life so far. That whole experience, the last hugs, watching them out the window, and driving away, is so fresh. But I know that I will get the experience of reconnecting with them someday. I miss them. I know they love and miss me.

For anyone who has ever prayed for a girl at Rapha House, I just want you to know that they love you. They pray for you too. They are so thankful for you. I mean this. If you showed up on that piece of land today, they would celebrate you. They love you. They would change your life if you ever got the chance to meet them. Just like you would change theirs.

It's still crazy how the girls that have been through the worst lifestyle, not by choice, are the most joyful girls I have ever met. It still amazes me to think about. Today I kind of re-lived that moment of my first steps into the gate at Rapha. It gives me chills and tears to think about. To be surrounded by victims of sex-trafficking and being celebrated by them is incredible. Really, just the fact that they celebrate life is incredible.

I can't wait to see how my life changes in the next 6 months. I have a feeling it's going to be pretty good =).

I need you now and forever.

Okay, maybe it has been awhile. This has been my busiest semester so far. Yet it is the least amount of school hours I have ever taken. Good thing I dropped that class before the semester started! So lets cover what is new with me and maybe what has been keep me so busy (besides school work!)

1. College Heights. Can I just say I LOVE this church! It's an awesome place for a college student to grow and go to worship each week. But more than that- the people I worship with follow me throughout the week. It's awesome. Our youth ministers wife, Michelle, has invested a lot in me and is helping me learn how to be the significant other of a minister. She's awesome. We are so different in so many ways, but that challenges me more than anything! I love her a lot.

My d-group meets weekly and they are awesome! I have four girls that are honest and transparent. They ask questions and bring thoughts to our group that I did not think of. I don't think they realize that they are leading me just like I am meant to lead them. They are so awesome. We are going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It's just a very short daily reading, but SO thought provoking and deep. It's not something to be taken lightly. These girls have been consistent and growing. I love them a whole lot!

2. This past week was VERY exciting. I mean VERY exciting. Friday and Saturday were both AMAZING days. Lets start with Friday.

Last week I got a call telling me that the Cambodian director of Rapha House would be in town to visit as he is in the US for the National Missionary Convention. When I heard this I was VERY excited! I finally got to see a Khmer person for the first time since Cambodia- and it happens to be one of my favorite Khmer people. Let me just tell you a bit about this man. He used to have a pretty awesome job. He gave it up for Rapha House. He gave it up to take part in rescuing girls from awful lives and letting them explore Gods plans for their lives. He is incredible. He was never too busy for the girls. He spent evenings out playing soccer with them. Even if he was on his way to do some important work, he always found time to stop and hug each girl or stop and play with them briefly. He has a heart for these girls as big as anyone I know. Not only that, he cares about every single person he meets. Including the perpetrators of these girls. His heart is awesome.

So as I walked up to him on Friday night at the Rapha House open House, I got a reaction I didn't expect. He totally recognized me. I didn't expect him to remember my name but he knew he had met me. I was excited about that. He was very happy to see me and meet Tyler as well. I was so so so glad that at least one of the people closest to me could have the opportunity to meet a man I look up to. Not only did he recognize me, but he gave me very detailed updates on my two little sisters that I love and miss so so much! He told me that the younger of the sisters is doing so well and growing to love God more and more each day. Praise the Lord! He did say that the older sister has troubles from day to day. She is in a bit of a different stage of life so it's a little different, but it was not too concerning he said. That's another awesome thing about it. They have around 100 girls in their program... and he knows the progress of each of them as individuals. He is awesome. I sent him a letter and some pictures a couple months back and so he finally put a face and a name to that package. That was fun. He took a picture with me on his camera to show my little sisters that he saw me. That was an awesome night!

Okay so Saturday came. And well, that was pretty exciting.

It all started with a typical date. Tyler took me to one of our favorite places (Olive Garden). This is where we had our first date. When we go to dinner he usually tells me sometime during the meal what the rest of the night holds for us. This particular night he told me we would go to Kara and Jeremiah's to play games. Recently we have been going over there a lot and playing Clue. So, it's not that I don't want to hang out with my best friend, but I was kind of upset. I didn't understand why would spend our date night with them. So I kept asking how long we would be there and why were going and it that meant our special date time was over as soon as dinner was over. I was genuinely upset.

So we got to their apartment and usually they have to let us in the first door and then we walk through the hall and get to their actual apartment door. So I thought it was strange that neither of them waited for us but both doors were just cracked (but no, I still didn't understand what was going on.) So I opened the door to their apartment. It was pretty dim and I could see a couple of tea light candles from the walk way- again, I thought, this is weird. So I kept walking further and all of the sudden one of our favorite songs, "Until You" by Dave Barnes, began to play right at the chorus. (the first words I heard were "I need you now and forever") So it kinda began to fall together. As I walked further and got my first view of the living room, this is what I saw: (but just imagine it dimmer)

I was shocked!! So I just kinda stopped because I didn't have any idea what to do. So Tyler came over to me, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him! It was the best thing ever! I couldn't believe it. I was sooo upset with him that we were going over there... little did I know. He definitely did the best job ever surprising me. He also did the best job ever getting me this:

Yeah I love it! I was so excited! And I was also equally surprised by this ring! After he proposed, my best friend and her husband came out of hiding and celebrated with us. She had two bridal magazines and a card ready for us. They were so awesome and I am so thankful they got to be a part of that night as well! So thanks to them for letting it all happen in their apartment. Apparently Kara has known about this for two weeks... I couldn't believe it!

I am so excited to finally get to start planning my life with Tyler! I have liked him for so so so long. I cannot believe that we are getting married! It's so weird. After 6 1/2 years of being friends, and we are finally moving to this awesome step! It's all so very exciting.

Anyway, there you go. I thought you should know a little bit about what has been going on with me.

"I need you now and forever, just stay right here with me, don't ever leave. Love was kept from me like a secret, I swore that I was through until you."