Lately, the most comforting thought I have had is that God is God. I remind myself that no matter what is going on in my life, the King is still on His throne. He still watches over me. He is guiding me. He is with me. He is still in control of this whole universe. Whether or not I understand what's going on or I understand why things happen-God is still God. He is still creator and comforter. I may not always understand what he is doing, but luckily, I have faith that he is doing what's best for me. I have faith that his love for me remains at the end of every day and because of that- I will be okay.

"If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea, if I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy, if I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound, if I'm learning how to walk or when I'm falling down, I am saying that you are still my God."

This is confusing.

I am home for spring break, and very confused.

I don't have to be anywhere.

I don't have assignments to do.

I really don't have a lot of wedding to do.

I don't have to work.

So what am I supposed to do?

I haven't felt this free in quite some time...

So these are my plans for the next week (granted I do have some things to do next week):

1. Not worry.

2. Not stress.

3. Not even think about anything.

This post is scatter-brained. This is because I am scatter-brained when I don't have a strict schedule and list haunting me. I rely on organization to keep me sane. So this is weird.

In the past week, I have been able to sigh several sighs of relief:

1. we received a cupcake stand that is PERFECT! so now we can send the yucky one back.

2. we bought lots of vases!

3. we bought lots of flowers!

4. I have my first fitting on monday!!

My biggest stressors right now are not wedding, school, or work. No, that would be expected. My biggest stressors snuck up on me. My biggest stressors are surprising. That is way harder for me to handle than if something that I expected started stressing me out. But I am lucky. I have a wonderful family who loves and cares for me, especially when others do not show me love and acceptance... and I have an incredible fiance who is already proving to me that he will make the best husband and best friend for me. One of the first words I would use to describe Tyler is supportive. I think this is because I need a lot of support. I spent quite a bit of time in my life lacking confidence, but Tyler helps me see me for how much I am really worth and supports me through everything. I am surrounded by great people. So even though my stressors are hard to handle right now, I have to thank God for giving me the people I need to help me.

PS. Do you think that maybe because I am lacking lists, I had to make up for it by making lists in this post? I think there is a good chance. Do I have OCPD? There might be a good chance...

Happy 21st to me!

I just wanted to briefly write about Monday. Monday was my 21st birthday. I decided last week that I would go home the weekend before so I could spend some time with my family for my birthday, but my mom told me on Friday that she and my dad were going to come up on Monday to take Tyler and I out to dinner.

Tyler and I planned on going out, but gladly moved our date since my parents decided to make a special trip (which ended up being good since Tyler has been very sick). For the last five years of my life I have had a birthday party. But- that's just not me anymore. I enjoy a simple setting and didn't really want to do anything high energy. I just want the people who love me most to be with me. So I woke up, went to work from 8-5 just like a typical Monday. Then I waited for my parents to arrive... when they did I was greatly surprised! They brought Lydia and James! So we went to the restaurant and I told the hostess how many people we had but my mom told me that we didn't have 6 people, but there were really 9 coming! So another surprise - Liz, Nathaniel and Grace came!

This was a great surprise... and a very very pleasant one! If you know me at all, you know that family dinners are my favorite. It's always a special treat. There's always very interesting and fun conversation, not to mention the entertaining level has gone up since Grace was born. So each of them making a special trip up to Joplin for me was the perfect birthday. Only two things could have made it better - if Joel were there and if Tyler hadn't been so sick! But other than that, it was probably my most favorite birthday in a long time! It's not that I don't love my friends and want to celebrate with them (which I will on another day, but once again, a small group of 4 people), but being surrounded by the people who mean most to me was just wonderful. I wouldn't have spent it any other way!

So thanks so much to my wonderful mother, father, sisters, brother-in-laws, niece, and fiance for making it the best birthday yet!

On being an introvert...

I am thankful for how God made me. This isn't something I have always felt. But I do now. Over the past few months, I have really began to understand my personality and who I am as a person more than ever before. As a result of this I have become way more comfortable with the personality that God blessed me with. I have learned to start liking these things in stead of thinking they are a bad thing, like the rest of the world tends to think. Here's an example:

I am a major introvert. When I say "major" I mean, major. I mean, 100%. I find absolute joy and restfulness in silence and solitude. I would rather spend a day by myself, or with just one or two other people, than a day full of high energy activity. I would rather spend the evening talking with Tyler than at a party. This is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, people do make me feel bad about this. So what if I don't like huge celebrations, even in my honor? In fact, a big wedding scares me. I don't know exactly how I will handle it. I know that I want my church family to be a part of that day, so I opted for the big wedding. But still. People have to be okay with the fact that I am not a loud diva about things that are happening in my life. The people who I am closest to and who love me will always be by my side for the most important moments. That's all I care about.

Especially as a future minister's wife. Some minister's wives are just high energy and extroverted. Over the past year I have ended up very discouraged because I am not like that, I am not the type of person who wants the spotlight. For awhile it made me feel like I can't be a good minister's wife if I am not willing to be front and center. But let's be honest- I have a pretty good example of a minister's wife who does live life doing what God asks of her, but isn't in the limelight. My mother. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen how it's okay that I don't want people to always be giving me attention... But no matter how much I am okay with that, not everyone else is. That's the hardest part about learning about myself.

Learning who I am has been quite the journey. It's been a tough one, you can ask Tyler. It's been full of ups and downs and "am I good enough?" "is something wrong with me?" But I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that God didn't mess up when he made me- but he made me this way on purpose. Not everyone has to get energy from being with people. I envy those who can, but I am thankful for my own personality. I like that at the end of the day, I find the most peace in a moment of solitude. I am finally to the place where I truly do love myself because I know that God loves me the way that I am.

It's really tough to learn these things because a part of the process has been becoming more confident and aware of who I am. I don't think everyone is prepared to let me change. I don't see any need to mold myself into who people want me to be anymore... and I think that has already shown to create dissension in my life. But I know that I am being the person who God wants me to be in full confidence that it is a beautiful and wonderfully made person. No matter how many other people come along and make me feel bad, or make me feel like my life isn't as fun because I would rather be with a few close people than at a party, God doesn't feel that way about me. My source of affirmation must be from him or I will never be able to fully love the gifts he has given me.

"And you're healing will quickly appear..."

"It's worth it though..." Ugh. Wedding planning... not for me. Seriously. It was fun for like the first three months. And it's not that I am just so ready I can hardly stand it (I am super ready though). It's that I would just rather not make these decisions and figure out the details. It's super annoying. Our wedding is only 2 months from this coming Friday. It's really not that far away. Plus- I have the whole waiting thing down. It's is really just the planning that is annoying me at this point in time. (And this is coming from a person who thrives on planning.) Not to mention having to coordinate dates for showers, especially when people don't seem to be satisfied with when I am available... but I kinda feel like my availability is vital. But maybe that's just me.

Remember when I took a small sabbatical from Facebook? Well, don't worry, I am already annoyed again. So I guess it's time to assess the situation (I have been saying that a lot lately... weird). It's still like there are certain expectations regarding Facebook and people I know... and that is slightly crazy to me. Can we all just be reminded that it is a website? Sure it is a great connection, great advertising place, and serves a lot of really good purposes. But it is not the replacement of relationships in my life. Maybe when people ask to be my friend on Facebook I will make them fill out a list of expectations for our Facebook relationship. Is that a little controlling? Probably. But I tend to be on the controlling side. And that is something that I am comfortable and ultimately okay with.

So I am in Abnormal Psychology this semester. Umm... favorite class EVER. Seriously I am in love with this. Learning about all kinds of disorders is so so so very interesting. I think this is opening up the option of pursuing psychology, not just counseling or social work, at a graduate level. How exciting. But seriously, it's so awesome and I am learning so much. I try not to diagnose myself in class. But sometimes... ya just get curious! No major disorders for me so far =).

I am exhausted. Not really physically (although I am pretty tired). But emotionally, mentally, etc. I don't know what it is but it's been a trying month. I think there has just been a lot of reminders and focus on Cambodia/Rapha House/injustice in general. Frankly, I haven't had time to process. That's not something you really consider when you have an emotional day. But I truly haven't had time to sit and think. I haven't had time to feel what I am feeling. It's hard to be at peace with life when you can't even go through how you feel, why you feel it, what to do about it, etc. So this weekend I am going home. Sure, at the end of next week I will go home for Spring Break. But I just couldn't wait. I am so exhausted. I am afraid I won't make it another week of class without being able to go home and process and work through some things. Plus, on Wednesday nights we are going to start a series on injustice with a major focus on Rapha House. I really need to be in a place that I can be an asset to this series rather than an emotional basket-case that I end up being every time something so dear to my heart comes up.

To end, I shall share my favorite portion of my favorite passage of scripture. I encourage you to read Isaiah 58:5-14. But here is Isaiah 58:8:

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and you're healing will quickly appear;

then you're righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."

RIP High Heels

On Thursday night two of my best friends from high school (Whitney & Erika, also two of my bridesmaids) came to Joplin. We had been planning to take our engagement pictures here in Joplin for quite sometime, but every weekend we set aside for it the weather would freak out and make Whitney unable to drive up to take them for us! So we finally had the opportunity to do so yesterday. We really wanted to take them in Joplin because we could take them at Camp Cyokamo where we met almost 7 years ago.

Well first of all, it was so awesome to finally spend time with my friends again and have them visiting me in Joplin was also fun. We got to hang out with Kara and they came to class with me which was fun. So finally we got to drive out to the place where we met and finally take our pictures. We had a blast =) Cyokamo holds so many memories for us as individuals and together. We even took a couple in the exact place that we met (the old sand volleyball court... the corner still has a big hole from where we dug sand). We took some all around camp and then headed back in to town. We also got to take some pictures on a street in Joplin that is called "Abigail Lane" which we thought was pretty fun. And we ended out the day by taking some pictures randomly downtown, including a small park where my mom and dad took their engagement pictures. We then ate dinner at our favorite local restaurant (Hackett's Hot Wings!) And then Whitney and Erika had to leave... very sad, but I am so glad we got to hang out. Cyokamo holds great memories for me and my friends too... so there was some fun reminiscing.

The unfortunate thing is that my black high heels officially died. I have had them since I was a senior in high school. This pair of heels were my first really cute pair of shoes... they are the result of me branching out in my fashion. I knew the end of their life was coming... they have been falling apart for awhile now. But I think yesterday was their last run. So RIP to my first pair of pointy-toed black high heels. I will miss you. You guided my fashion to a new level and opened new doors to me.

I think that's all for now. I hope you all are enjoying the beautiful sun shiny day!

Your Hands

Sometimes life can be a bit confusing.

My heart hurts. It's amazing how I was in Cambodia around 9 months ago and I am still reliving those memories on a daily basis. It is really hard to do that, especially knowing that I do not know for sure when I will get to go back. Sure, I have a general plan, but God's plan might not be the same. It's really hard to understand why He would give me a love and passion so great for a group of people, but not allow me to be with them. I know there are things to do here to benefit the people I love and miss, but knowing how it is to be with them, to love them, to care for them... It's hard to take the stance of doing something for them from afar. It's hard to understand the purpose of the daily pain that I feel for the fact that I can't be there.

On the other hand, I do know that one year ago today, I could not have cared less about the people of this world. I do know that God has given me a view of this world that has changed me completely. I know that God has given me a broken heart for broken people... a broken heart I did not possess before. I can't help it but think that God is joyful while I am weeping because he knows that my passion is for His people and the things that He too is passionate about. This gives me reason to be joyful as I cry just for the fact that God changed my heart by allowing me to meet the people of Cambodia.

I know there are good things in pain, I have always been a firm believer in that. I do have so much hope. I have hope for the people of Cambodia, but I also have hope for me. I have hope that God has given me to rest assured that He has a plan. Whether or not I ever get to go back, whether or not I ever get to hug my little sisters, or my sister Theara, or just minister to the kids in impoverished neighborhoods, I will still follow God. I will still have hope for the people of Cambodia, and I will still love the people of this world.

I have unanswered prayers,

I have trouble I wish wasn't there.

I have asked a thousand ways

for you to take my pain away.

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.

When you walked upon the earth,

you healed the broken, the lost, and the hurt.

I know you hate to see me cry.

Someday you will make all things right.

Your hands that shape the world are holding me.

They hold me still.

-JJ Heller

"Dear Abby,

How are you in there? I want you to come Rapha House again. Do you miss me? I miss you so much! I would like to write the letter back. This letter I send from her to you. I love you. May God bless you."

47 words that make each day even better than it already is. (not to mention that the paper still smells like Cambodia)