My heart hurts. It's amazing how I was in Cambodia around 9 months ago and I am still reliving those memories on a daily basis. It is really hard to do that, especially knowing that I do not know for sure when I will get to go back. Sure, I have a general plan, but God's plan might not be the same. It's really hard to understand why He would give me a love and passion so great for a group of people, but not allow me to be with them. I know there are things to do here to benefit the people I love and miss, but knowing how it is to be with them, to love them, to care for them... It's hard to take the stance of doing something for them from afar. It's hard to understand the purpose of the daily pain that I feel for the fact that I can't be there.
On the other hand, I do know that one year ago today, I could not have cared less about the people of this world. I do know that God has given me a view of this world that has changed me completely. I know that God has given me a broken heart for broken people... a broken heart I did not possess before. I can't help it but think that God is joyful while I am weeping because he knows that my passion is for His people and the things that He too is passionate about. This gives me reason to be joyful as I cry just for the fact that God changed my heart by allowing me to meet the people of Cambodia.
I know there are good things in pain, I have always been a firm believer in that. I do have so much hope. I have hope for the people of Cambodia, but I also have hope for me. I have hope that God has given me to rest assured that He has a plan. Whether or not I ever get to go back, whether or not I ever get to hug my little sisters, or my sister Theara, or just minister to the kids in impoverished neighborhoods, I will still follow God. I will still have hope for the people of Cambodia, and I will still love the people of this world.
I have unanswered prayers,
I have trouble I wish wasn't there.
I have asked a thousand ways
for you to take my pain away.
When my world is shaking, Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands.
When you walked upon the earth,
you healed the broken, the lost, and the hurt.
I know you hate to see me cry.
Someday you will make all things right.
Your hands that shape the world are holding me.
They hold me still.
-JJ Heller
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