On being an introvert...

I am thankful for how God made me. This isn't something I have always felt. But I do now. Over the past few months, I have really began to understand my personality and who I am as a person more than ever before. As a result of this I have become way more comfortable with the personality that God blessed me with. I have learned to start liking these things in stead of thinking they are a bad thing, like the rest of the world tends to think. Here's an example:

I am a major introvert. When I say "major" I mean, major. I mean, 100%. I find absolute joy and restfulness in silence and solitude. I would rather spend a day by myself, or with just one or two other people, than a day full of high energy activity. I would rather spend the evening talking with Tyler than at a party. This is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, people do make me feel bad about this. So what if I don't like huge celebrations, even in my honor? In fact, a big wedding scares me. I don't know exactly how I will handle it. I know that I want my church family to be a part of that day, so I opted for the big wedding. But still. People have to be okay with the fact that I am not a loud diva about things that are happening in my life. The people who I am closest to and who love me will always be by my side for the most important moments. That's all I care about.

Especially as a future minister's wife. Some minister's wives are just high energy and extroverted. Over the past year I have ended up very discouraged because I am not like that, I am not the type of person who wants the spotlight. For awhile it made me feel like I can't be a good minister's wife if I am not willing to be front and center. But let's be honest- I have a pretty good example of a minister's wife who does live life doing what God asks of her, but isn't in the limelight. My mother. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen how it's okay that I don't want people to always be giving me attention... But no matter how much I am okay with that, not everyone else is. That's the hardest part about learning about myself.

Learning who I am has been quite the journey. It's been a tough one, you can ask Tyler. It's been full of ups and downs and "am I good enough?" "is something wrong with me?" But I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that God didn't mess up when he made me- but he made me this way on purpose. Not everyone has to get energy from being with people. I envy those who can, but I am thankful for my own personality. I like that at the end of the day, I find the most peace in a moment of solitude. I am finally to the place where I truly do love myself because I know that God loves me the way that I am.

It's really tough to learn these things because a part of the process has been becoming more confident and aware of who I am. I don't think everyone is prepared to let me change. I don't see any need to mold myself into who people want me to be anymore... and I think that has already shown to create dissension in my life. But I know that I am being the person who God wants me to be in full confidence that it is a beautiful and wonderfully made person. No matter how many other people come along and make me feel bad, or make me feel like my life isn't as fun because I would rather be with a few close people than at a party, God doesn't feel that way about me. My source of affirmation must be from him or I will never be able to fully love the gifts he has given me.