Peace

God has been really good to me. I really thought these weeks would be insane, but he keeps giving me random breaks that I didn't plan on! It's great. I have had several different classes canceled, and do on Friday again, but also tomorrow is skip day! It's great.

I have a lot to do over the next three days, but also a lot of time. I have to get invitations pretty much done by Friday, but I also want to get two big assignments done too. I found out that I don't have a final in one of my classes which is super awesome. I also found out I could change my project so now I have a partner and am doing my project over human trafficking in stead of mentoring which I am excited about. There is also a decent possibility of a good job this summer, but nothing is definite.

We had to make a budget for our premarital counseling and that was interesting... Right now, with the money we make, there is no way we could live off of our monthly wages. But that will be really different this summer, and then different in the fall. So we had to make a budget with numbers that aren't going to work, but they are also not going to be reality for us. It's frustrating and it is stressing me out. I just really want to know if I have a job and what it is. I want to be able to feel peace about it. But the unfortunate thing is that I can't look for peace in being sure because I already know the answer. I have to look for peace in knowing that God will provide. That's really hard for me. But I sure am trying.

John 14:7 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

His plans

I love my Life Application Study Bible. I actually got it for free, and it is the first study bible that I have ever had. Lately I have started using it for my devotion rather than my regular bibles. I am thankful because I have been able to read through passages like this one, which is a favorite of mine, and read the little paragraphs at the bottom and find new encouragement or wisdom from the verses.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way

and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth.

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:6-11

This is what my Life Application Study Bible has to say about portions of this passage:

"We are foolish to try to fit God into our mold-to make his plans and purposes conform to ours. Instead, we must strive to fit into his plans."

I was encouraged by this because this is where I have found myself lately. I have found myself with a sense of giving up what I want and willfully fitting into God's plans. It's so comforting to find a verse to back up all of the overwhelming feelings I have had lately. I also find much comfort in knowing that God sent me out for a purpose... and if I am willing then I can accomplish that purpose for him, not for me, and return back to him. I can't wait to be with him after having followed him. I just want to make him proud.

Your hands made me and formed me;

give me understanding to learn your commands.

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,

for I have put my hope in your word.

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous,

and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort,

according to your promise to your servant.

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,

for your law is my delight.

May the arrogant be put to shame for wronging me without cause;

but I will meditate on your precepts.

May those who fear you turn to me,

those who understand your statutes.

May my heart be blameless toward your decrees,

that I may not be put to shame.

Psalm 119:73-80

Goodbye my sweet drink!

Okay. This is heart breaking news that I have for you.

I think I have found the source for a lot of my migraines.

For the past couple of weeks I have noticed that I tend to get migraines right after I eat a meal. But I wasn't eating the same thing every meal so I didn't think it meant that I was eating something that didn't get along with my body. But the one thing that I realized was common to the meals that resulted in migraine is no the food... but the drink.

Coke. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Not coke! Pleaseeee don't take it away!! But yet, I asked Tyler to never let me drink it again. For the past couple of weeks- this has been the common denominator. Excessive sugar in general gives me a headache which is why I am not a huge dessert person anymore. Which let me tell ya - that one stinks! It's not that I don't like desserts. I love all dessert. Cake, ice cream, cheesecake, cookies, it's all great. But not when it gives you a headache. Even a small cookie will do it.

Anyway, I feel like if I publicly state that coke will no longer be a regular part of my life, I might actually go through with it. I don't know if it's just because I drink too much (only 1 a day) or if it is coke in general. I guess we will see.

On the bright side, I am marrying Tyler in 53 days. I have never been so excited for anything in my life. Well I am pretty excited about going on vacation with him... Oh and then finally living with him. So so so excited. I don't even know how to describe it. He makes this stressful time in my life so much better. I am so thankful and so blessed!

Oh, life.

Life is insannnee. All I can think about is being on the beach in 55 days. Seriously. I can't even explain how busy life is right now. For the past three to five hours I have literally been on the verge of falling asleep.

I consider making a list of all of the things that stand between me and June 13th... just for the sake of seeing it all out in front of me. But I think for the sake of my sanity... I will refrain. All I can do is take it one step at a time.

So, if you are in the prayer business and think of me, the following things would be worth praying about:

School. Homework is like the last thing I want to do, yet the thing I need to do.

Ministry-which has the following sub-categories

-Dgroup, as we are finishing up this year!

-Homegroup

-Planning girls retreat (which is in a week! Luckily it's going to be veryyyy relaxed this year!)

Wedding planning-there isn't a ton left to do, but it's not all done so it's still always on my mind.

And well Tyler and I. Being engaged is fun. I like doing all of this with him. But there is just a certain point that I reached and I am 100% ready to begin and end my days with him. I am ready to have spare time to share together in a place that we both live. I am ready to stop saying goodbye to him at night, or after class and wonder if I get to see him again that day. I am just ready to start living life together no matter what that means. Luckily I think we handle it well, we aren't terrible stressed. But we are just ready.

My world has been consumed with God. I know that this is how he intended life to be for his followers... but it took me awhile to get there. I have become slightly obsessed with the things that I have greatly disliked in my path... such as waiting, listening, hurting for others... I was shut off to such things for awhile. I took the approach of trying to fit God in to the empty spaces in my life. Now life is about fitting myself in to God's will. I see people and I wonder where their lives will go because they are choosing to try and fit God into their own will. I don't desire that for my own life. God knows way better...

Last night I found myself praying that I could view the world as he does... that each person I see I will see with eyes of love rather than judgment. I even prayed to him that he would take me down the harder path because I am willing. I have no idea what that means, it scares me. But I also know that I have experienced hard things. I have experienced injustice that no person should ever experience. I have experienced heart breaking moments. I know how God has proven faithful and just through those situations. I know how God has changed my heart to reflect his power and glory. I believe that God protects and provides. So as long as he is doing that, I will do what he wants. I also believe that God loves obedience. I believe that when I am obedient, I am following him best. That's all I want for my life.

"I say what I say with no hesitation.

I have what I have, but I'm giving it up.

I do what I do with deep conviction.

Something on the road cut me to the soul..."

Faith My Eyes

There is a song that tends to end up on "repeat" for me. The day I drove myself to Ozark in August of 2007, I listened to this song practically the whole way. When I spent my first holiday with a family that is not my own, I listened to this song the days leading up to it. When I left my family to go to Southeast Asia, I listened to this song almost the whole three hours while I flew to Los Angeles, to then board a plane to Cambodia. And here I am today. I find myself at a moment where I am needing comfort and peace about the fact that I must go, I must move on, I must grow up, I must leave what I know.

My sister, Elizabeth, introduced me to this song. It's called "Faith My Eyes" by Caedmon's Call. This song is all about how it is really hard to not carry on with life at "home". But while it's hard, being in God's plan is more important. It's about how no matter where God is taking us, we will miss home and we will long to be with the people we love... but we will also be in God's plan and in God's guidance... and that's what is most important.

I am glad that I ran into this song again today... This weekend might be a tough one seeing as I won't be going home for easter. Me not going home for a holiday is like... one of the worst things that happens in my life. Okay, I am exaggerating. But seriously. Family dinners are serious business to me. I love it. I hate when my family is gathered in our house, but I am not there. And now I am on my way to marriage so I know things will be changing.. and it is hard for me. But I have to adjust. I am totally up for that challenge because I love Tyler so dearly and would not choose to have life without him. But just like the song, I have a serious longing to be at home. I have a longing to be with those who helped make me who I am, the people that I look like, the people that understand a reference from American Idol season 1 (or any other season), and to be with the people who have loved me for 21 years.

But I know that I am following God's call on my life. Right now, he calls me to College Heights. He calls me to the youth that need older people to help them grow. He has called me to Ozark. He has called me to become a wife of an amazing man in June. As hard as it's going to be to not go home and not celebrate the life of my savior with those who love me so much... I know that God will bless my obedience to follow his call on my life.

What is awesome to think about is that every time I have made this song my prayer, God has honored my decision to follow him. He has given me the most incredible experience at Ozark. He is letting me marry in to a wonderful family, who I am so thankful for. He most certainly changed my heart and my life while I was in Cambodia. I know there is much comfort, peace, and blessing to be had while sitting in the palm of a God who controls all things. I know that no matter where he sends me- no matter how far from home I am- he guides my every circumstance.

"But if I must go, things, I trust, will be better off without me. But I don't want to know because life is better off a mystery. So keep 'em coming, these lines on the road. Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. Keep me guessing at these blessings in disguise. I walk with grace my feet, and faith my eyes."

Don't just "be moved"-but move.

I'm just going to be honest, the kids in our youth group are awesome.

Last night I had the opportunity to share some stories of my experience in Cambodia. I not only got to share about the hope that Rapha House has brought to so many girls, but I was able to share about the hurt and injustice that floods the streets- especially in the lives of children.

I expected our kids to care because so many of them already have the global mindset that so many Americans don't have. So I knew that they would care. But I was impressed. Several people asked me what books they could be reading to educate themselves, which was the way in which I educated myself. During the worship after my time to share I had several different girls who just wanted to pray... which was an awesome experience for me. I am not generally up in front so it was awesome for girls to really seek me out and just want to pray about the horrible trade that is human trafficking. But also, one of those girls felt a stirring in her heart for her neighborhood. She told me that she knew of so many broken children in her neighborhood and she wanted to do something about it. I was just so excited that God not only used us to open eyes to show of the hurt in Cambodia, but he even revealed to her the hurt in her own neighborhood.

I am so blessed to have been able to share the greatest passion of mine with high school students who want to do something about it!

Last night I was given the reminder that there is just a whole world out there. There are so many people, so many hurts, so many problems, and so much injustice. But what's crazy about those people who are going through horrific things is that they are just like you. They are just like me. They are just like us. Those girls who are trafficked for sex? They are just girls. They are girls just like the girls you know. If you are a girl- they are just like you. Those families who work all day long for literally no wages because they are stuck in modern day slavery? Those are families. Just like yours and mine. They deserve freedom. They deserve the truth that is found only in Christ. They deserve justice.

Tyler had a great quote that has really had me thinking. He encouraged the youth group that if God was moving in them last night to not just "be moved" but to move. I'm going to start moving.