HeeJin Choi

A couple of months ago I received an awesome gift. This gift came from a little sister in Cambodia. She sent me a letter and a purse. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to hear from her less than a year after I left her side. But it frustrated me.

You see, I have this friend named HeeJin. She is probably one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. We had this language barrier going on while she was here, but we had this bond that was not like a bond I had ever experienced. After she left and went back to South Korea, we stayed in touch. I heard from her every few months through e-mail. Suddenly, she stopped writing. It was sometime during my freshman year at Ozark, I think in the fall, that I last heard from her. So I got frustrated by this. I wanted to know that she was okay, that life was good. We had gotten so close but then there was a sudden drop off.

So when I received a gift from a girl who does not have simple means to communicate with me, it got me thinking. She had to send a letter and purse back to America with someone who knew me. But HeeJin has easy ways to communicate with me, e-mail, facebook, etc. But she wasn't communicating. I was really upset. All I wanted was to hear from her. It would be so easy for her to say hello. But I truly gave up. I decided that I probably wouldn't ever hear from her again. I really wanted to be able to send her a wedding invitation, but I had no idea what her new address is in Australia.

This morning I woke up at 8 AM. Not on purpose. I couldn't fall back asleep. So I checked my e-mails. I had a facebook notification informing me that HeeJin sent me a message. Before I could even read it I just began to cry. I am so thankful that God answered my consistent prayer to allow me to just hear from her. He is so good to me.

Goodbye high school and junior high clothes!

Umm wow. I just went through all of the clothes in my room. I think that the goal of high schools are to sell you so many t-shirt (athletic t-shirts, homecoming t-shirts, class t-shirts, etc.) that when you are 21, about to get married, and fixing to move out of your parents house, they provide a huge obstacle that is cleaning out your closet. Yikes. It's a mess. But some person who shops at goodwill is about to indulge themselves in about 20 class of 2007, Owasso Volleyball, and Owasso Choir shirts (20 each. not total). Oh well.

I love being home, and I love having time to complete wedding tasks. We got so much done today. I look forward to the day when completing wedding tasks is not the highlight of my day. I can't wait until the highlight of my day is waking up next to Tyler... Oh dear =)

I miss my ring. I miss wearing it and people knowing that I am engaged! It's super sad. But I must say, it's even more gorgeous with it's wedding band attached to it.

Okay. I really just wanted to blog about the surplus of clothes practically flowing out of my room. It's a humorous sight. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I purchased clothes as a teenager. Oh well, it was fun to look through my clothes and remember what I bought them for, what I wore them to, the good and bad things that happened while wearing them. It's weird how I remember those things. It was a good time, but I am glad to say goodbye!

As soon as I checked out of Dennis Dorm, room 312, I felt like I could breathe. As sad as it was to say goodbye to the dorm I have known for three years, I am really excited too. It's so crazy to think that I am not moving back there. Even crazier to think that three weeks from this moment I will have a husband. How did that happen?

We got my ring back... I must admit it, it is even more beautiful than before. The downside to having it sautered is that I have been asked quite a few times over the past two weeks if Tyler and I are still engaged. So today, I will be buying a fake ring for $1 so I can clear up the questions. You may think I am silly, but when you are three weeks out from a wedding, you kinda want people to know you're engaged and there are no issues.

Tyler and I have been insanely blessed by gifts people have given us. It's so great. We have so many people that love for us and care for us. I am sooo so thankful!

Well here I go! My last day to relax with Tyler before the whole wedding thing. It's crazy. I hate saying goodbye to him and all, but knowing that the next time we are spending lots of time together will be on our honeymoon definitely makes it easier. I can't wait!

So Long, Insecurity

I am thinking that every woman who has picked up Beth Moore's newest book has thought what I am thinking now: this book was written about me.

She has written a book regarding the insecurity issue that most women face. I have only read two chapters, but so far she is dead on. She knows that most women have this problem- whether it seems like it or not. But it's true.

Just over the past year I have become much more aware of my insecurities. Unfortunately some bad experiences brought this out, but it really needed to be revealed. One thing I have learned from this book so far is that it greatly hinders my work for the kingdom. Right now, I can see that. I can see that in the way that I relate to our high school girls, how I even relate to the girls in my dorm who I know love me. It's so crazy, but it's a result of bad thinking over many, many years. But since my insecurities have been revealed (let me tell ya, revealing those things to another person and to hear them say I love you right after will even get you a little more secure =) ) things have changed greatly in my life. I think this is a problem for some people though.

In some of my relationships, I think it was necessary that I was insecure. I think I had to be insecure for the other person to feel power and good standing in my life. I can feel those relationships at conflict right now. It was really unexpected, these are relationships that I never knew had this problem. I am generally known as a push over. You say I should do something, I used to do it. But as I grow more secure and more confident, I think people have a hard time accepting that I am not going to just go by what they say anymore. It's really tough because I do love to please people... but the more I know about how my creator made me, the more I want to be that person(because, for the first time in awhile, I think that person is pretty awesome!)... and usually, the things that people ask of me are not at all who he made me to be. It's not like they ask me to make terribly immoral choices- but it doesn't suit me. The me that God made me to be.

This is the first year in a long time I have felt like I am actually being who God wants me to be. My freshman year I was swallowed in to insecurity because I was hardly truly accepted by anyone on campus. My sophomore year I was swallowed into insecurity because I finally had friends, so I needed to be what they wanted me to be in order to keep them. Well, this year, I got to a point that I needed to be who God wanted me to be rather than people. And I am pursuing that.

But what I find is that the closer I get to God, the more my relationships change. It's frustrating and tiring, but I would choose Godliness over acceptance of the people surrounding me any day.

Kids

Last night Beau and Michelle threw us a "man shower", or basically a shower for Tyler to receive tools and such. It ended up being four of us couples and 7 little kids between the three other couples. I was looking forward to it because I love hanging out with these people. Our youth sponsors are becoming my most favorite people to spend time with. They all care about Tyler and I so much. It is so obvious that each of these couples are fervently chasing after God's will... and we need those people surrounding us.

So something has been changing in my heart lately. Over the past few months, I have formed a huge love for children. I don't know what it is. I think that having a niece has really helped me begin to like children, but right now, I love kids. Last night one of the kids brought a book over to me and had me read to him and it was one of the most fun moments I have had in awhile. We didn't even really read the book, we just talked about the pictures. I must admit, Camden is my favorite little boy ever!

Anyone who knows me will know how strange it is that I am confessing a love for kids. I am even going to nanny this summer for a family. I met this family earlier this week and fell in love with the kids. It's so crazy how much my heart is changing for children. But seriously, I kinda wish there were kids around right now!

Don't worry, I still do not want my own for a long time =). But it is super comforting to know that my heart is changing... because a few months ago I would have told you that kids are scary to me. But no longer!

PS. I am officially done with classes.

29 days until our wedding.

8 days until Tyler's graduation! Woo hoo!

Remember yesterday when everything was all great and dandy? I was having an awesome day, getting stuff done, life was good.

This is what my life feels like today:

I think there are people in my life that have giant straws and are officially sucking all of the joy and fun out of this wedding process for me.

Another that that I am having is that I think gift cards curse my shopping. I have several, but found nothing today. I was really hoping this little shopping adventure (involving gift cards) would kinda pick up my day since it was kinda ruined around 9 am. But noooo.

Ugh.

Good news!

This post will be dedicated to all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now:

-In the next couple of hours I will be done with assignments for this semester

-I only have one final in class

-12(ish) days until I move home

-Today I got to start packing

-Soon I will start moving things to Tyler's

-32 days until Tyler and I are married (1 month from tomorrow!!)

-We have our final shower on Thursday

-Tomorrow I get to meet the family I might nanny for this summer (which is a hooray for a good chance on having a job!)

-Tyler is the most wonderful person ever

Okay, I think that just about covers it. Life is good!

Almost done...

Life is winding down, and that excites me! The sad part is, there are only four days left of class but I still have sooo much to do.

I am officially done with all the normal type wedding showers. All that's left is my personal shower and then a couples/man shower. Both of which will be very relaxed and fun! All of my other showers have been awesome. Tyler and I have been so blessed and will be starting off with so much! And to think that there is still the actual wedding!

I must admit, June 13th needs to come quick! My need for vacation grows by the second. People keep asking if I am excited about the wedding. I say, of course, but I can't really think about that right now. I don't think most people get how stressful and consuming it is to be in school and plan a wedding. Of course people who have done it get it!

I am really thankful for my mother and Tyler. They are always looking out for me. They are always telling me to not even think about things that are stressing me out and that they will take care of it, and take care of me. I am sooo glad. But if I could change anything it would be that I would be able to do all of this at home. I have really been needing the support that my mother provides, but it's so hard to do things from far away. It's not that no one here cares about me, but Tyler is definitely the only one who is really seeking out ways to take stress off of me. It's been an incredibly tiring and stretching semester... not just because of wedding things. But I have been going through a lot, especially spiritually. So basically if I did not have my mother and Tyler to look me in the eyes and say relax I would probably lock myself away. I am so ready to be home for a few weeks.

The end is in site!