So Long, Insecurity

I am thinking that every woman who has picked up Beth Moore's newest book has thought what I am thinking now: this book was written about me.

She has written a book regarding the insecurity issue that most women face. I have only read two chapters, but so far she is dead on. She knows that most women have this problem- whether it seems like it or not. But it's true.

Just over the past year I have become much more aware of my insecurities. Unfortunately some bad experiences brought this out, but it really needed to be revealed. One thing I have learned from this book so far is that it greatly hinders my work for the kingdom. Right now, I can see that. I can see that in the way that I relate to our high school girls, how I even relate to the girls in my dorm who I know love me. It's so crazy, but it's a result of bad thinking over many, many years. But since my insecurities have been revealed (let me tell ya, revealing those things to another person and to hear them say I love you right after will even get you a little more secure =) ) things have changed greatly in my life. I think this is a problem for some people though.

In some of my relationships, I think it was necessary that I was insecure. I think I had to be insecure for the other person to feel power and good standing in my life. I can feel those relationships at conflict right now. It was really unexpected, these are relationships that I never knew had this problem. I am generally known as a push over. You say I should do something, I used to do it. But as I grow more secure and more confident, I think people have a hard time accepting that I am not going to just go by what they say anymore. It's really tough because I do love to please people... but the more I know about how my creator made me, the more I want to be that person(because, for the first time in awhile, I think that person is pretty awesome!)... and usually, the things that people ask of me are not at all who he made me to be. It's not like they ask me to make terribly immoral choices- but it doesn't suit me. The me that God made me to be.

This is the first year in a long time I have felt like I am actually being who God wants me to be. My freshman year I was swallowed in to insecurity because I was hardly truly accepted by anyone on campus. My sophomore year I was swallowed into insecurity because I finally had friends, so I needed to be what they wanted me to be in order to keep them. Well, this year, I got to a point that I needed to be who God wanted me to be rather than people. And I am pursuing that.

But what I find is that the closer I get to God, the more my relationships change. It's frustrating and tiring, but I would choose Godliness over acceptance of the people surrounding me any day.