As soon as I checked out of Dennis Dorm, room 312, I felt like I could breathe. As sad as it was to say goodbye to the dorm I have known for three years, I am really excited too. It's so crazy to think that I am not moving back there. Even crazier to think that three weeks from this moment I will have a husband. How did that happen?

We got my ring back... I must admit it, it is even more beautiful than before. The downside to having it sautered is that I have been asked quite a few times over the past two weeks if Tyler and I are still engaged. So today, I will be buying a fake ring for $1 so I can clear up the questions. You may think I am silly, but when you are three weeks out from a wedding, you kinda want people to know you're engaged and there are no issues.

Tyler and I have been insanely blessed by gifts people have given us. It's so great. We have so many people that love for us and care for us. I am sooo so thankful!

Well here I go! My last day to relax with Tyler before the whole wedding thing. It's crazy. I hate saying goodbye to him and all, but knowing that the next time we are spending lots of time together will be on our honeymoon definitely makes it easier. I can't wait!

So Long, Insecurity

I am thinking that every woman who has picked up Beth Moore's newest book has thought what I am thinking now: this book was written about me.

She has written a book regarding the insecurity issue that most women face. I have only read two chapters, but so far she is dead on. She knows that most women have this problem- whether it seems like it or not. But it's true.

Just over the past year I have become much more aware of my insecurities. Unfortunately some bad experiences brought this out, but it really needed to be revealed. One thing I have learned from this book so far is that it greatly hinders my work for the kingdom. Right now, I can see that. I can see that in the way that I relate to our high school girls, how I even relate to the girls in my dorm who I know love me. It's so crazy, but it's a result of bad thinking over many, many years. But since my insecurities have been revealed (let me tell ya, revealing those things to another person and to hear them say I love you right after will even get you a little more secure =) ) things have changed greatly in my life. I think this is a problem for some people though.

In some of my relationships, I think it was necessary that I was insecure. I think I had to be insecure for the other person to feel power and good standing in my life. I can feel those relationships at conflict right now. It was really unexpected, these are relationships that I never knew had this problem. I am generally known as a push over. You say I should do something, I used to do it. But as I grow more secure and more confident, I think people have a hard time accepting that I am not going to just go by what they say anymore. It's really tough because I do love to please people... but the more I know about how my creator made me, the more I want to be that person(because, for the first time in awhile, I think that person is pretty awesome!)... and usually, the things that people ask of me are not at all who he made me to be. It's not like they ask me to make terribly immoral choices- but it doesn't suit me. The me that God made me to be.

This is the first year in a long time I have felt like I am actually being who God wants me to be. My freshman year I was swallowed in to insecurity because I was hardly truly accepted by anyone on campus. My sophomore year I was swallowed into insecurity because I finally had friends, so I needed to be what they wanted me to be in order to keep them. Well, this year, I got to a point that I needed to be who God wanted me to be rather than people. And I am pursuing that.

But what I find is that the closer I get to God, the more my relationships change. It's frustrating and tiring, but I would choose Godliness over acceptance of the people surrounding me any day.

Kids

Last night Beau and Michelle threw us a "man shower", or basically a shower for Tyler to receive tools and such. It ended up being four of us couples and 7 little kids between the three other couples. I was looking forward to it because I love hanging out with these people. Our youth sponsors are becoming my most favorite people to spend time with. They all care about Tyler and I so much. It is so obvious that each of these couples are fervently chasing after God's will... and we need those people surrounding us.

So something has been changing in my heart lately. Over the past few months, I have formed a huge love for children. I don't know what it is. I think that having a niece has really helped me begin to like children, but right now, I love kids. Last night one of the kids brought a book over to me and had me read to him and it was one of the most fun moments I have had in awhile. We didn't even really read the book, we just talked about the pictures. I must admit, Camden is my favorite little boy ever!

Anyone who knows me will know how strange it is that I am confessing a love for kids. I am even going to nanny this summer for a family. I met this family earlier this week and fell in love with the kids. It's so crazy how much my heart is changing for children. But seriously, I kinda wish there were kids around right now!

Don't worry, I still do not want my own for a long time =). But it is super comforting to know that my heart is changing... because a few months ago I would have told you that kids are scary to me. But no longer!

PS. I am officially done with classes.

29 days until our wedding.

8 days until Tyler's graduation! Woo hoo!

Remember yesterday when everything was all great and dandy? I was having an awesome day, getting stuff done, life was good.

This is what my life feels like today:

I think there are people in my life that have giant straws and are officially sucking all of the joy and fun out of this wedding process for me.

Another that that I am having is that I think gift cards curse my shopping. I have several, but found nothing today. I was really hoping this little shopping adventure (involving gift cards) would kinda pick up my day since it was kinda ruined around 9 am. But noooo.

Ugh.

Good news!

This post will be dedicated to all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now:

-In the next couple of hours I will be done with assignments for this semester

-I only have one final in class

-12(ish) days until I move home

-Today I got to start packing

-Soon I will start moving things to Tyler's

-32 days until Tyler and I are married (1 month from tomorrow!!)

-We have our final shower on Thursday

-Tomorrow I get to meet the family I might nanny for this summer (which is a hooray for a good chance on having a job!)

-Tyler is the most wonderful person ever

Okay, I think that just about covers it. Life is good!

Almost done...

Life is winding down, and that excites me! The sad part is, there are only four days left of class but I still have sooo much to do.

I am officially done with all the normal type wedding showers. All that's left is my personal shower and then a couples/man shower. Both of which will be very relaxed and fun! All of my other showers have been awesome. Tyler and I have been so blessed and will be starting off with so much! And to think that there is still the actual wedding!

I must admit, June 13th needs to come quick! My need for vacation grows by the second. People keep asking if I am excited about the wedding. I say, of course, but I can't really think about that right now. I don't think most people get how stressful and consuming it is to be in school and plan a wedding. Of course people who have done it get it!

I am really thankful for my mother and Tyler. They are always looking out for me. They are always telling me to not even think about things that are stressing me out and that they will take care of it, and take care of me. I am sooo glad. But if I could change anything it would be that I would be able to do all of this at home. I have really been needing the support that my mother provides, but it's so hard to do things from far away. It's not that no one here cares about me, but Tyler is definitely the only one who is really seeking out ways to take stress off of me. It's been an incredibly tiring and stretching semester... not just because of wedding things. But I have been going through a lot, especially spiritually. So basically if I did not have my mother and Tyler to look me in the eyes and say relax I would probably lock myself away. I am so ready to be home for a few weeks.

The end is in site!

Peace

God has been really good to me. I really thought these weeks would be insane, but he keeps giving me random breaks that I didn't plan on! It's great. I have had several different classes canceled, and do on Friday again, but also tomorrow is skip day! It's great.

I have a lot to do over the next three days, but also a lot of time. I have to get invitations pretty much done by Friday, but I also want to get two big assignments done too. I found out that I don't have a final in one of my classes which is super awesome. I also found out I could change my project so now I have a partner and am doing my project over human trafficking in stead of mentoring which I am excited about. There is also a decent possibility of a good job this summer, but nothing is definite.

We had to make a budget for our premarital counseling and that was interesting... Right now, with the money we make, there is no way we could live off of our monthly wages. But that will be really different this summer, and then different in the fall. So we had to make a budget with numbers that aren't going to work, but they are also not going to be reality for us. It's frustrating and it is stressing me out. I just really want to know if I have a job and what it is. I want to be able to feel peace about it. But the unfortunate thing is that I can't look for peace in being sure because I already know the answer. I have to look for peace in knowing that God will provide. That's really hard for me. But I sure am trying.

John 14:7 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."