Finally Done!

I have been waiting for this semester to finish as soon as I got each syllabus in August. It's been a very hard but very rewarding semester. I have written too many papers, but I have also learned a lot. This set of classes is probably the set I've enjoyed most during my time at OCC. Each class has been extremely helpful to me in many different realms. I am so thankful for it, but I am even more thankful that it is over!

This Christmas break should be very relaxing. My job does not employ students over break which is a curse and a blessing. It will be interesting to live with only one income for a month, but who am I kidding... I really don't make that much to put an actual dent in anything. God has also been blessing me with plenty of babysitting opportunities... Which to me is such a great thing. The families I get to babysit for are very generous and have wonderful kids. So hopefully God will continue to provide those opportunities over break. A little income would probably be good!

During this break I will be focusing on getting ready for next semester. No, I don't mean reading lots of books for next semester's classes, or studying ahead of time. It will be a focus on rest and rejuvenation. Like I said, this past semester was hard. Next semester I am taking a few more hours and will have about the same level of time and energy invested as they are pretty time consuming classes. So while I am on break I will be reading books for fun... and I don't mean fiction books (although I am sure there will be some of that). I want to read a lot of different psychology books. I think I have general ideas of what I am interested in so I hope that reading some of these books will help me discover more of what I am passionate about. I will also be completing some projects around the house (like cleaning the second bedroom which has been abandon since August) and hopefully getting rid of some useless stuff that I didn't have the heart to get rid of sooner.. Oh and I really need to finish wedding thank you's! For awhile I got kind of frustrated that I didn't finish them this summer, but then I remembered: I took summer school. I have been in school since last January. Only a week or two break here and there. So this month long break from school is MUCH needed! So if I haven't thanked you yet for the wedding gift you bestowed upon us- don't worry, it's coming! So that's another project.

Oh and don't worry, I will also be spending some much needed relaxing time with my husband. Again, I have been in school non stop since we got married so I am looking forward to having time when we don't have to spend it together working on my homework =)!

The moment I finished my last final yesterday I felt a weight (which was REALLY heavy by the way!) lift from my shoulders immediately... and to think, I will be completely done in May. That is a feeling I cannot fathom!

A Thankful Thought

When I was in high school I did not enjoy school. As most high school students, I thought school was kind of useless in some areas. (For me, math and science especially) Since the 8th grade I knew where I wanted to attend college and I knew I did not need these subjects for my time there, but simply needed them to graduate high school. Let's just say that in high school- school was not my thing.

Over the past week or so I have been dwelling on my thankfulness for education. When I was in Cambodia I learned about the chances of people getting an education in their lives. When the Khmer Rouge was in power, they wiped out 20% of the population of Cambodia... Starting with anyone who was educated. It's true, they targeted educated people. Now, 30 years later, the country is in shambles. A generation of uneducated people is in power now. Not to say it isn't getting better, but it's just a terrible thing that an educated person was a bad person-worthy of death. Anyway, a large number of children in Cambodia will not ever get an education, not just a higher education. But you can bet that those who go on to higher education are few and far between.

Now, I know we live in a different place and our country has not seen the same problems they have. But I am very thankful for an education. Not just high school, but more so, for my college education. Since about the 8th grade I dreamed of the day I would move to Ozark Christian College in the thriving metropolis of Joplin, Missouri. Let's just say the journey has gone different than I ever anticipated, but in some ways, it has been everything I hoped it would be.

One of the reasons I am thankful for the education I have received at OCC is because it has honestly allowed me to enjoy school. I get to study things that pertain exactly to what I want to do with my life. This has allowed me to look forward to going to class each day and write a countless numbers of papers, study some intense memory work, and take tests with a zeal I have never had for school before. The knowledge I have gained while at Ozark is irreplaceable. I am forever thankful that Ozark has instilled in me the idea that school can actually be enjoyable!

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to learn about my area of interest under the most Godly set of professors I could have ever asked for. One of the things I always tell people when they are considering Ozark or want to know what I love about OCC is this: This is your family. It's no longer professor-student relationships, it's like every professor becomes your mentor. These are the people you will look up to and what to be like whether or not you agree with all of their thoughts and ideas. These are people you don't just learn from concerning the Word of God, or in my case, Psychology and Counseling. These are the people you learn from for four years concerning the life you lead and how to be the person God intends for you to be. I would have never developed into this version of me had I chosen to go somewhere else, at least not in my four years of college. As I approach the end of my second to last semester, my heart is filled with the sorrow you feel when you are about to move from your home. I could never express my thankfulness to the faculty and staff at OCC for pouring in to my life for four years... and some of them, I know it will continue in the years to come. Choosing Ozark was easily one of the most important decisions I have ever made. The people I have known from my time there have been by me through incredibly important and trying times. I will forever be thankful for my OCC family.

Just the two of us

1. What are your middle names? Gwen and Evans

2. How long have you been together? On December 8th it will be three years total, but we have been married for 5 1/2 months!

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? About 4 1/2 years. 

4. Who asked who out? He asked me out.

5. How old are each of you? I am 21 and Tyler is 22

6. Did you go to the same school? We went to the same college, but different high schools.

7. Are you from the same home town? Nope, Tyler is from Stillwater, OK and I am from Owasso, OK... just about an hour apart.

8. Who is the smartest? Tyler. He is extremely smart. 

9. Who majored in what? I will graduate in May with my Bachelor of Christian Ministry: Psychology and Counseling and Tyler has a Bachelor's of Christian Ministry: Student Ministry and another BCM: Church Planting.

10. Who is the most sensitive? There is no question that that is me!

11. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Umm probably Cancun. But I throw in a picture from NYC too since that's kinda far!

12. Who has the worst temper? Definitely me. I don't think Tyler knows how to get upset about anything. Okay thats not true, but it's a very rare occasion that he is actually upset.

13. How many children do you want? 2-3. But who knows. That could all change once I actually experience the whole having a child thing. 

14. Who does the cooking? I do most of it, but Tyler is a really good cook. I just really like to do it. But he helps when I ask, and he always does the grilling.

15. Who is more social? Definitely Tyler. I am very much an introvert. Sitting at home with Tyler is perfectly fine with me, but he definitely needs more social interaction than I do.

16. Who is the neat freak? Definitely me. Tyler's not super messy but the mess doesn't bother him.

17. Who is the most stubborn? We are both stubborn. But I might be a little more so.

18. Who wakes up earlier? Right now we both wake up at the same time. But that will change next semester.

19. Where was your first date? Olive Garden and then this Christmas Light extravaganza thing in Carthage, MO. 

20. Who has the bigger family? Mine is bigger. (I have three siblings, Tyler has one)
21. Do you get flowers often? Well it depends on the definition of "often"

22. How do you spend the holidays? This year and last year we split them between both families. Living only an hour apart makes it easy for splitting. But who knows how we will do it in the future!

23. Who is more jealous? Neither of us

24. How long did it take to get serious? Umm well it depends, me or him? Me=I was probably serious prior to us dating... and Him=awhile =)

25. Who eats more? We both eat a lot but he probably eats more.

26. What do you do for a living? Right now I am a student and Tyler is the Interim High School Minister at College Heights Christian Church.

27. Who does the laundry? I do most of the time.

28. Who's better with the computer? Definitely Tyler! Without him I would be lost. 
29. Who drives when you are together? We split pretty evenly. It depends on whose car we take, who has more gas... Tyler doesn't love driving, and I do so we both drive a lot.

30. What is your song? Until You by Dave Barnes. We both used lyrics from this song in our gifts to each other one year for Valentine's Day... so it was pretty obvious that this was our song.

Passion

I am so thankful that God has given me a passion. It took me a bit more time to figure out what it was than what I would have liked but my timing isn't necessarily always best. I had the intention to become a teacher when I first came to Ozark, but it did not take me long to figure out I only saw that as my best option rather than truly finding something that was really me. It's really hard to figure out what you want to do in life, so I now totally understand people taking one year after high school to figure that out. I kind of did that but it was very convenient that I could stay at Ozark when I finally figured it out.

Through my journey at OCC God has revealed slowly through different classes that I have taken what my passion is. It was easy for me to figure out that Psychology and Counseling is where my heart is, but I'm still not even sure where that is leading me. But I am thankful for God slowly showing me different areas that I am passionate about. I don't necessarily think that these passions are going to lead me to huge careers full of money and successful things on worldly standards. I think that God has been teaching me that where he is leading me is not necessarily going to be what people expect or even okay in the world's standards. But I believe he has set my heart in the right place. As cliche as it may sound: my passion is helping people.

Choosing to stay at Ozark to pursue my bachelor's is a risky thing. I struggle with this risk on a weekly basis. I can't go anywhere I want to grad school... There is a specific list of places I could possibly get in to. But there's no telling if I will even end up close to those places. This is why it is a risk. It's risky because this path may not lead me to some high paying, or paid at all, job. But God has laid it on my heart that he is going to take care of us if I will honor him by pursuing his will for my life. I am okay with this, but I keep running in to people who are not. I understand the use of financial security- I really do. I understand that it is important. But I can't deny God's calling, I am sure of his calling on my life and  of the fact that if I am honoring God's will that he provide and he will take care of me. I am his child no matter what. 

My struggle is rooted in the fact that audible voices can be more easily heard than the voice from my Father. But if I am constantly pursuing his voice over this world my heart will remain in his plan.

Productivity

Life has been very productive lately. I have a huge mound of assignments coming up in the next several weeks... which usually stresses me out to the max (at least that is the story of this semester). But last week I made a decision: I am not going to let myself get so stressed out that I actually have emotional breakdowns. Yes. I have had some extreme emotions going on this semester. When I get stressed out, these emotions are magnified. It's hard for me to handle being a wife, a student, a volunteer, and worker. I've even had to cut out my second place of volunteering which is extremely sad. I had several weeks that I was stuck in a rut of complete stress. But I decided that was not going to be the case for the rest of my semester. It's senior year and I am going to learn and enjoy while I am still fortunate enough to be a student at Bible college.

So I decided to get ahead. And I have. I have spent almost every day of the last several days in the library just getting stuff done- even stuff I can do at home. But I know that my productivity is way less when I am at home and there are messes to be cleaned, yummy treats to be baked, and Ellen Degeneres to watch. I have gotten so much done. But there is still much to do considering I have two research papers due in the next two weeks!

One of my biggest issues is wanting to do it all myself. I want to take great care of Tyler and make his life so much easier and show my love through all of my actions. But the problem is... my life is a bit more packed than his. Not to say he doesn't do anything because trust me, ministry is like a job that never sleeps. But I try to cook all of the meals, keep the house tidy, do homework (which this semester feels like I am doing a years worth of homework), work my low 12 hours a week, but volunteer with the youth group several times a week. I just want to be the woman who does it all! I know Tyler appreciates this attitude but I also know he would be so gracious to help me if I would just ask him. I am getting a bit better and practicing sharing the load. I have always been the kind of girl to take the loads all to myself and not let others share in my stress. But I think that needs to change.

I have been meeting with a couple of my good friends (well, we have only met twice), but I can already tell you how happy I am that I sought some accountability in my life. My relationships have changed dramatically in the past several months. Many transitions happening that cause this. I think transitions are healthy... and I am thankful for it because I think that where I am now and the relationships that I am in now are a lot healthier than I have been in the past. I have had inklings that I need more accountability and more time to just share life with other women and I am so glad I finally made the step to do this.

Needless to say, my last few weeks have been more productive than usual on several levels. Mostly on levels that will reduce my stress and anxiety that I deal with on a regular basis. Life is a lot better when you take the necessary steps to be a healthy individual. It is my goal to become healthier emotionally and mentally this year.

P.S. On a very exciting note- I pre-enrolled for my last semester of college this week! Eek! I had a mere 12 hours I need in order to graduate... so I threw in an extra elective which means I am going to New York for 6 days in March! Hooray!

I feel like I can breathe now. My first exegetical of the semester is done. This, my friends, is an important thing. It has been several semesters since I wrote my first exegetical and my only exegetical prior to this. Apparently I saved all of my exegetical classes for senior year. Hm.. possibly a terrible decision. I have one more exegetical for this semester, and two research papers. Christmas Break can not come soon enough!!

This has been an interesting week. I went home last weekend, which was wonderful. I decided to extend my visit from Saturday night to Sunday afternoon and I am glad I did. It made for a crazy Sunday but what can I say, I missed my family! My dear friend Emily, who is a great blessing to me in this time of my life, went along with me. I thoroughly enjoyed that!

I am going back home tonight. My friend Lacy lost her mom this week to cancer. I cannot even express the amount that Lacy has seen in this life. Sometimes when I see others struggle through so much more than I ever had, I have no way of understanding how they keep going. But she just does. She is truly great. I really think that they moved here for a reason. When her father was diagnosed with cancer we spent much time encouraging one another, as both of our fathers had now gone through a serious health crisis. I will forever be thankful for her encouragement in my life. And now, I know, it's my turn to encourage her some more. Her mom was a very special woman. I wouldn't miss celebrating Lori's life for anything!

I am working on pictures for the blog of my home! But as you might guess, it's even harder to get everything together when I have school looming over me!

I hope you have a blessed day!

Not what I expected...

Sometimes people ask me if I am learning a lot about Tyler or if being married to him/living with him is really different than I expected. I'm just going to be honest, Tyler and I knew each other extremely well prior to getting married... not to say that I knew everything about him, I am sure there are a thousand more things to learn. But really, we knew each other pretty well. We have been friends for 7 1/2 years, really close friends for at least four years. Tyler lived in this apartment for a year before we got married and since I spent some time here, I already learned a lot of his weird habits as far as living arrangements. I haven't run into a lot of surprises yet.. well, at least not in him.

But me. I am not what I expected. Not in the least bit. Did I know how to cook more than two meals prior to getting married? No. Did I anticipate being very prompt when it comes to dishes and cleaning? No. Did I enjoy doing laundry? No. Why isn't being a wife a paid position? I mean, I love being his wife and doing things around the house, but sometimes that is all I want to do. It's super fun. This is what is surprising to me. All of the sudden, I love keeping this place in order, planning our weekly menu, grocery shopping, doing laundry. I feel like I have to clean the kitchen at least once a day, but I love it! I am kind of weirding myself out.

I do learn much about Tyler... and let me tell ya, living with him is awesome! He is a very entertaining husband. More than anything I am surprised how just living with him and being married to him makes so much more of my life about him. I want to make sure things are great around here for him (even though I have about a billion other things I should probably be doing...). I love doing this, if only it could be a full time job.

I just thought I'd share about how I surprise myself on a daily basis. Now it's time to pick up the bedroom. Have a happy Saturday!

It Has Begun

What has begun, you might ask?
Several things really:

Football season.
I don't really enjoy football season. But this season is different. Why? Because when I lived at OCC I could avoid football season very easily. I simply didn't have the opportunity to watch it due to no cable in my room. This year though... I live with a BOY. You know what that means. Any football on TV? We're watching it. Don't you worry. So today, to avoid the football that took over the TV, I cleaned... and I mean cleaned. It was nice. Tyler is nice though. He knows how I dislike watching every single game that comes on. He's willing to compromise... this is good news for me. I don't mind watching teams that we care about. But if it's a team I have no attachment to or interest in, why watch? That's something I'll never understand.

My desire for short hair.
Just as Tyler will never understand my need for short hair. Yes, I said need. The longer it gets, the harder it is to work with. I know this is not a serious issue, but I am okay with blogging about my hair. It's just, it's a big deal that I grew it out for over a year. And it's really just kinda stopped growing. Sooo... don't be surprised if there is short hair in my near future!

Senior year of college.
This one is exciting. But it brings much homework. Although I am taking a small 13 hours, by far the smallest amount I have ever taken... I have more big projects than I have ever had before. I have 2 exegeticals and two research papers. That's a little much for a person who is not great at writing papers. On the bright side, I love my schedule and my classes so far... (well, besides Bible Lands and Lifeways, but that's just expected). I've got two good Bible classes and a great counseling class and counseling seminar. It's going to be a great semester!

New chapters at CHCC.
Well, We have officially survived the first couple of weeks of Tyler being Interim High School Minister. So many people are still pouring out support and encouragement left and right. I am surrounded by more uplifting and positive people than ever before. I have been reached out to by multiple women who genuinely want us to succeed during this time, not only as a couple doing ministry, but in our marriage and other relationships. I feel like I have several different groups of people pouring into my life, and this is a great thing.

Life is very well rounded right now. I've got investment at OCC and CHCC. It's a pretty great place to be. There is no telling where we will be going after I graduate, or if there will be any "going" at all. What's important is that I focus on here and now. I've seen so many people be too focused on what's next that what's here begins to be meaningless to them. But I know that God is going to much in our time in Joplin whether it's for 9 more months or 9 more years. What's next will happen when it's time. I couldn't be happier with where we are right now.

Random Life Observations

1. I don't like being away from Tyler. I like being in Owasso, but I really like Tyler too. Hm. It's sad.

2. My hair has not been this long since 9th grade. That was around 6-7 years ago... I am not used to this. And I just want short hair that doesn't end up in a ponytail at the end of every day... Okay. But ask me tomorrow and I will probably tell you I love long hair.

3. My niece is more than hilarious. She's just so precious. Today she was saying "buh-bye" (she was pretending to go to church) and she decided that she didn't want to hug, but she should shake our hands. So she went from grandma to grandpa to aunt Abigail shaking hands and saying "buh-bye". Oh goodness.

4. It's amazing how many times I have been asked if I am pregnant in the last two months. Not because I look pregnant, simply because I am married now. The answer is NO and no time soon thank you very much. Lydia is taking care of the need for a baby to be on the way.

5. I really like being married to Tyler. It's great!! But it's awkward when people say "how is married life" because I say "Great!!" and then don't really know what to say... And I think that people expect me to gush on and on and I don't really know where to start.

6. I wish Tyler and I could work part-time forever and make enough money... It's really great how much time we get to spend together. But I guess that has to end sometime...

Okay. I think those are all of my observations right now!

Moving Forward

Life is certainly changing!

The past month has been filled with a change we certainly weren't expecting. Our very dear friends and mentors (not to mention the high school minister being Tyler's boss), sat us down to tell us that he would be resigning this summer. Mind you, this happened about a week or maybe two after we got back from Mexico.

It's been an emotional and tiring, but exciting month as we prepared to move forward in this ministry. We have sat through several moments of tears while Beau and Michelle continued to announce this to so many people who love them. The reason why they leave is so filled with God's provision. It's nothing short of God's will for their lives. While we are deeply sad to no longer have the chance to do ministry with them, we are so excited as they get to move on to fulfill a passion in their hearts.

We have not been able to speak about this until last Sunday night when Beau finally told our students. It was incredibly emotional. Waiting for them to go public was like waiting for it to become real. Well now it's real.

I was greatly blessed and encouraged by many women the night that it became public knowledge. I will never forget looking up from the final prayer and instantly being surrounded and prayed for. For the time being, Tyler will be serving as Interim High School Minister at College Heights Christian Church. Until they hire someone to take the job full time, he will be filling this role. I have so much confidence in him! He has done an outstanding job and we know that the leadership at CHCC wouldn't have asked him to step in if they didn't have the confidence in him as well.

It's a scary thing to be pushed forward into a position that was not expected. But over the past month I have been encouraged and lifted up like never before. As people have said their love for Beau and Michelle, they have also filled our hearts with so much confidence and support and prayers. I couldn't be happier about the church that we are transitioning with. We can only hope that they will let us "grow up" here like Beau and Michelle did.

So any prayers offered would be greatly appreciated. It's a little more responsibility than we planned on, but we know it's the right thing for right now.

Faithfulness

It's hard to remain silent when I am so full of words and emotion right now. It's hard to remain in the US when my heart is full of love and longing for another country. It's hard to remain still when I just need to move.

Today I needed a bit of a reminder of God's faithfulness. Well, I don't know if it's a reminder, but more of some comfort regarding his faithfulness. It's a concept I know to be true, but a concept that requires direct action from me.

First of all, I love my Life Application Study Bible. I suggest you get one too.

The very first passage I found regarding God's faithfulness in the Bible was in Deuteronomy. (Deuteronomy 7:9) Ya know the first thing that this passage told me? God keeps his covenant with those who keep his commands. This frustrated me from the moment I read it.

A year ago, while sponsoring my first high school camp, I received a loud and confident "no" when I began to ask God if I could go back to Cambodia this coming summer. Granted it was also around that time that it became clear that getting married this summer was a big possibility. I knew that while I could not go to Cambodia, I could begin a different journey. I am thankful that I got married this summer, but my heart still aches for Cambodia. I have obeyed this command of his to not return this summer. I understand it and I am okay with it. But now it's time to start asking about when I can go back. But this is what I learned in my study of how God is faithful.

I read so many times how God is faithful to those who keep his commands... and those who obey his words. But there's never a time frame included. The writers of the inspired Word of God never say "he will remain faithful to you by granting your wish in the next 1-2 years". Nope. Nothing like that. It's all, remain faithful and he will remain faithful. That's why this is so hard. What if it's not for another ten years? What if I really don't ever get to go back? I know that sometimes God has greater things in mind, but the invisible possibility of something greater is clouded by my view of something that is already great.

All through the Psalms I read about how he is faithful and just and true to his promises. Finally in the New Testament I read about a couple of important things to remember. First, he will strengthen and protect me. ( 2 Thessalonians 3:3) While I wait in silence on this pressing issue in my life, he will strengthen me. He will protect me. While it's just silence, I know that he doesn't hear silence because he can hear my heart. It's comforting to know that he is hearing me and understanding me. Another thing is that when I suffer, I need to commit myself to my faithful creator. (1 Peter 4:19) All I can do while my heart is aching to go back is commit to faithfulness. Because he is faithful in all of his promises. (Psalm 145:13)

It isn't easy to wait for something like this. But I find much comfort in knowing that he has been faithful through all generations. (Psalm 100:5) He has not forgotten about me and the desires of my heart, especially the desires to serve and love the people of Cambodia. I pray that his faithfulness is clear to you today.

Life

Life is really good. It's really different, but in almost all ways. I guess I will just fill you in on all of the things that take up a normal week of my life.

#1: Youth. I love our youth group, I really really do! They are a fantastic group of kids. There are so many lessons to learn when leading high school students. Trust me, I am learning them. But I am loving it! I have successfully seen my d-group a couple of times which is fantastic as well. They are such a wonderful group of girls. I am so thankful that I get to be in their lives. As the days go on I really feel like they want me to be in their lives. This is great because I have much to give!

#2: Work. So, I have the best job ever! Unfortunately it will only last for a few more weeks. I get to watch two adorable boys all day long two days a week. It pays the bills and I get to play with some awesome kids. Not to mention randomly filling in at the bookstore and babysitting for another wonderful family. I really do love it. I miss my bookstore job though. I look forward to returning in the fall. I have been so blessed. I haven't had a job in about two years that I dreaded going to. I am so thankful for low-stress and fun jobs.

#3: Summer school. It is almost over though! By Friday, I will be done! It's so very exciting. I can't even explain how ready I am to be done with it. I am so thankful I was able to finish 6 more hours of school in just 2 months. One class was only 4 weeks long which is awesome! They have been really good classes, but I am ready for my 3 week summer vacation =)!

#4: Tyler! It's quite crazy how much time we spend together. I guess that's the perk of both of us only working part time. (Although, I am sure you can imagine what the negatives are to that!) We have a nice system of how both of us being part time works and it's working. I love how much time we get to spend together. I can't even imagine both of us working full time. I feel like we will never see each other then! I love it though. Being married is great. We have had such a great summer. I am really glad we got married early in the summer so we could have some time to get used to things and enjoy before school starts. He is a really great husband!

Anyway, that's an update of my life. I am sure there will be more in the next couple of weeks as I have more time, no summer school, and maybe a little more energy!

The Future

I don't know what my future holds. This fact usually scares me, makes me uncomfortable, and even makes me mad. I like to know what's happening, when it's happening, why it's happening, and how it's happening. But I don't know that right now. And for once, I am really glad.

I think it's a common mistake to get so caught up in what is next. This is something I try to keep myself from. I try really hard because I am the first one to worry about the future. But right now I am at complete peace with the fact that I don't know where Tyler and I will be or where we will be going in like, 10 months. I think there is a good chance we won't be staying around Joplin for too long after I graduate. But what is that mysterious destination? I don't know.

I just don't want to miss the now. I don't want to miss what God is giving me here. Joplin isn't my favorite place, but until God clearly calls me elsewhere, I will love this city with Christ's love. I don't want to leave just for the sake of getting out of here. I want to bloom here until God plants me in another place.

It's a real treat to hear me say that I am at peace with not knowing. It might be the first time those words have ever come out of my mouth (so to speak =) ). But it's true. I know God will take good care of us!

Reflections on marriage

Okay, I don't claim to be a pro at this, but I have a few reflections on marriage after my first week of it.

1. Umm it's awesome.

2. It's so nice not saying goodbye to Tyler and leaving his apartment.

3. It's really awesome when Tyler cooks dinner because I want to watch the Bachelorette.

4. Honeymoons should happen once a year. I guess now they are just called "vacations". This doesn't sound as luxurious but oh well.

5. Tyler makes me laugh even more than when we weren't married!

6. I am generally in a better mood because wedding stress is gone and I get to live with Tyler.

Okay, look for further reflections in the future.

Just married =)

Okay, huge sigh of relief. I am glad everything is over and done with- my stress level has reached an all time low... But let me just say. Our wedding turned out only a thousand times more beautiful and more perfect than I ever could have pictured it. I have so many people to thank and will do so soon, but I couldn't have even pictured it better. I didn't even picture it being that good!

I seriously loved every minute of that day. I am so glad that we did the big wedding and had all of our friends and family surrounding us. I just feel like it's a huge testimony to the love and support so many people have for Tyler and I. It was perfect, we are so very blessed.

Cancun was wonderful! It was so awesome have no where to be, just relaxing... and being together. Honeymoons are a great idea. I am so glad we went big for it and didn't settle for just relaxing in Joplin. I think we deserved that vacation. We both work so super hard over the past year to get to where we are. I think it was the perfect reward.

We are home now... working on setting things up which is a BLAST to me! I love organizing and setting up... ah it's bliss =) And to be doing it with Tyler (which I love to say is my HUSBAND!) is such a joy. He is reading his ESPN magazines that came while we are gone (pure bliss for him I think!) and I am unpacking presents and such... such a great day =).

While we were on our honeymoon one of our flight attendants asked if we would have done the whole big wedding and everything all over again (rather than elope)... surprisingly I said yes! I think I asked Tyler to elope just about every week of wedding planning that I experienced. But it was so worth it. I loved every minute of it.

Thanks to anyone and everyone who came, supports us, and has prayed for us. I love you all!

1 Week

My wedding is only one week away, and that is so weird!

This week I got much accomplished. Well, that includes a visit to Joplin in order to relax and set up our apartment... relaxation is success.

I had my bridal portraits this week. That was SO weird. It was so nice to finally see how everything fell together (everything: my dress, hair, makeup, jewelry...). It was all perfect! I had no idea what I would look like, but it ended up being perfect. It definitely made it all more real to me. I looked in the mirror and realized "Oh yeah, you are actually getting married." I got a little nauseated. Not in a bad way, but an exciting way. I am a little nervous... but mostly excited and ready.

There's so much to think about. The part that stresses me out the most is that I have to finish wedding stuff, but also manage to pack and get ready for the honeymoon too... That's nerve-wracking to me. It's hard to get ready for the wedding but also get ready to leave the country on the next day. Well, I assume it will all get done.

I guess that's it from this front. I look forward to the day that my blog will not revolve around the wedding. Really, I am looking forward to the day that my life doesn't revolve around the wedding!

One more week!

Can I Brag?

Okay. I am going to brag for a second.

I made Dean's List. I have never done that before. I have been pretty close. It's never something I have like set out in my mind to do... but I did it. Let's think about this. This semester was my first full semester of being engaged. So apparently when you mix lots of wedding plans, about a billion wedding showers/events, school, and ministry it equals awesome grades. It even raised my cumulative GPA a point! woo hoo 3.5! But I am proud of my semester 3.8. Really proud!

One more thing. I have this thing lurking in the back of mind. I have a feeling that I need to pack for Cambodia. It's super strange. But I honestly feel like I am leaving for Cambodia in a week... It's a strange feeling. In a way it's a let down, but I think the alternative to going to Cambodia is pretty awesome!

Only 10 days !! Woot!

HeeJin Choi

A couple of months ago I received an awesome gift. This gift came from a little sister in Cambodia. She sent me a letter and a purse. I was thrilled to have the opportunity to hear from her less than a year after I left her side. But it frustrated me.

You see, I have this friend named HeeJin. She is probably one of the most incredible friends I have ever had. We had this language barrier going on while she was here, but we had this bond that was not like a bond I had ever experienced. After she left and went back to South Korea, we stayed in touch. I heard from her every few months through e-mail. Suddenly, she stopped writing. It was sometime during my freshman year at Ozark, I think in the fall, that I last heard from her. So I got frustrated by this. I wanted to know that she was okay, that life was good. We had gotten so close but then there was a sudden drop off.

So when I received a gift from a girl who does not have simple means to communicate with me, it got me thinking. She had to send a letter and purse back to America with someone who knew me. But HeeJin has easy ways to communicate with me, e-mail, facebook, etc. But she wasn't communicating. I was really upset. All I wanted was to hear from her. It would be so easy for her to say hello. But I truly gave up. I decided that I probably wouldn't ever hear from her again. I really wanted to be able to send her a wedding invitation, but I had no idea what her new address is in Australia.

This morning I woke up at 8 AM. Not on purpose. I couldn't fall back asleep. So I checked my e-mails. I had a facebook notification informing me that HeeJin sent me a message. Before I could even read it I just began to cry. I am so thankful that God answered my consistent prayer to allow me to just hear from her. He is so good to me.

Goodbye high school and junior high clothes!

Umm wow. I just went through all of the clothes in my room. I think that the goal of high schools are to sell you so many t-shirt (athletic t-shirts, homecoming t-shirts, class t-shirts, etc.) that when you are 21, about to get married, and fixing to move out of your parents house, they provide a huge obstacle that is cleaning out your closet. Yikes. It's a mess. But some person who shops at goodwill is about to indulge themselves in about 20 class of 2007, Owasso Volleyball, and Owasso Choir shirts (20 each. not total). Oh well.

I love being home, and I love having time to complete wedding tasks. We got so much done today. I look forward to the day when completing wedding tasks is not the highlight of my day. I can't wait until the highlight of my day is waking up next to Tyler... Oh dear =)

I miss my ring. I miss wearing it and people knowing that I am engaged! It's super sad. But I must say, it's even more gorgeous with it's wedding band attached to it.

Okay. I really just wanted to blog about the surplus of clothes practically flowing out of my room. It's a humorous sight. Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking when I purchased clothes as a teenager. Oh well, it was fun to look through my clothes and remember what I bought them for, what I wore them to, the good and bad things that happened while wearing them. It's weird how I remember those things. It was a good time, but I am glad to say goodbye!

As soon as I checked out of Dennis Dorm, room 312, I felt like I could breathe. As sad as it was to say goodbye to the dorm I have known for three years, I am really excited too. It's so crazy to think that I am not moving back there. Even crazier to think that three weeks from this moment I will have a husband. How did that happen?

We got my ring back... I must admit it, it is even more beautiful than before. The downside to having it sautered is that I have been asked quite a few times over the past two weeks if Tyler and I are still engaged. So today, I will be buying a fake ring for $1 so I can clear up the questions. You may think I am silly, but when you are three weeks out from a wedding, you kinda want people to know you're engaged and there are no issues.

Tyler and I have been insanely blessed by gifts people have given us. It's so great. We have so many people that love for us and care for us. I am sooo so thankful!

Well here I go! My last day to relax with Tyler before the whole wedding thing. It's crazy. I hate saying goodbye to him and all, but knowing that the next time we are spending lots of time together will be on our honeymoon definitely makes it easier. I can't wait!

So Long, Insecurity

I am thinking that every woman who has picked up Beth Moore's newest book has thought what I am thinking now: this book was written about me.

She has written a book regarding the insecurity issue that most women face. I have only read two chapters, but so far she is dead on. She knows that most women have this problem- whether it seems like it or not. But it's true.

Just over the past year I have become much more aware of my insecurities. Unfortunately some bad experiences brought this out, but it really needed to be revealed. One thing I have learned from this book so far is that it greatly hinders my work for the kingdom. Right now, I can see that. I can see that in the way that I relate to our high school girls, how I even relate to the girls in my dorm who I know love me. It's so crazy, but it's a result of bad thinking over many, many years. But since my insecurities have been revealed (let me tell ya, revealing those things to another person and to hear them say I love you right after will even get you a little more secure =) ) things have changed greatly in my life. I think this is a problem for some people though.

In some of my relationships, I think it was necessary that I was insecure. I think I had to be insecure for the other person to feel power and good standing in my life. I can feel those relationships at conflict right now. It was really unexpected, these are relationships that I never knew had this problem. I am generally known as a push over. You say I should do something, I used to do it. But as I grow more secure and more confident, I think people have a hard time accepting that I am not going to just go by what they say anymore. It's really tough because I do love to please people... but the more I know about how my creator made me, the more I want to be that person(because, for the first time in awhile, I think that person is pretty awesome!)... and usually, the things that people ask of me are not at all who he made me to be. It's not like they ask me to make terribly immoral choices- but it doesn't suit me. The me that God made me to be.

This is the first year in a long time I have felt like I am actually being who God wants me to be. My freshman year I was swallowed in to insecurity because I was hardly truly accepted by anyone on campus. My sophomore year I was swallowed into insecurity because I finally had friends, so I needed to be what they wanted me to be in order to keep them. Well, this year, I got to a point that I needed to be who God wanted me to be rather than people. And I am pursuing that.

But what I find is that the closer I get to God, the more my relationships change. It's frustrating and tiring, but I would choose Godliness over acceptance of the people surrounding me any day.

Kids

Last night Beau and Michelle threw us a "man shower", or basically a shower for Tyler to receive tools and such. It ended up being four of us couples and 7 little kids between the three other couples. I was looking forward to it because I love hanging out with these people. Our youth sponsors are becoming my most favorite people to spend time with. They all care about Tyler and I so much. It is so obvious that each of these couples are fervently chasing after God's will... and we need those people surrounding us.

So something has been changing in my heart lately. Over the past few months, I have formed a huge love for children. I don't know what it is. I think that having a niece has really helped me begin to like children, but right now, I love kids. Last night one of the kids brought a book over to me and had me read to him and it was one of the most fun moments I have had in awhile. We didn't even really read the book, we just talked about the pictures. I must admit, Camden is my favorite little boy ever!

Anyone who knows me will know how strange it is that I am confessing a love for kids. I am even going to nanny this summer for a family. I met this family earlier this week and fell in love with the kids. It's so crazy how much my heart is changing for children. But seriously, I kinda wish there were kids around right now!

Don't worry, I still do not want my own for a long time =). But it is super comforting to know that my heart is changing... because a few months ago I would have told you that kids are scary to me. But no longer!

PS. I am officially done with classes.

29 days until our wedding.

8 days until Tyler's graduation! Woo hoo!

Remember yesterday when everything was all great and dandy? I was having an awesome day, getting stuff done, life was good.

This is what my life feels like today:

I think there are people in my life that have giant straws and are officially sucking all of the joy and fun out of this wedding process for me.

Another that that I am having is that I think gift cards curse my shopping. I have several, but found nothing today. I was really hoping this little shopping adventure (involving gift cards) would kinda pick up my day since it was kinda ruined around 9 am. But noooo.

Ugh.

Good news!

This post will be dedicated to all of the wonderful things happening in my life right now:

-In the next couple of hours I will be done with assignments for this semester

-I only have one final in class

-12(ish) days until I move home

-Today I got to start packing

-Soon I will start moving things to Tyler's

-32 days until Tyler and I are married (1 month from tomorrow!!)

-We have our final shower on Thursday

-Tomorrow I get to meet the family I might nanny for this summer (which is a hooray for a good chance on having a job!)

-Tyler is the most wonderful person ever

Okay, I think that just about covers it. Life is good!

Almost done...

Life is winding down, and that excites me! The sad part is, there are only four days left of class but I still have sooo much to do.

I am officially done with all the normal type wedding showers. All that's left is my personal shower and then a couples/man shower. Both of which will be very relaxed and fun! All of my other showers have been awesome. Tyler and I have been so blessed and will be starting off with so much! And to think that there is still the actual wedding!

I must admit, June 13th needs to come quick! My need for vacation grows by the second. People keep asking if I am excited about the wedding. I say, of course, but I can't really think about that right now. I don't think most people get how stressful and consuming it is to be in school and plan a wedding. Of course people who have done it get it!

I am really thankful for my mother and Tyler. They are always looking out for me. They are always telling me to not even think about things that are stressing me out and that they will take care of it, and take care of me. I am sooo glad. But if I could change anything it would be that I would be able to do all of this at home. I have really been needing the support that my mother provides, but it's so hard to do things from far away. It's not that no one here cares about me, but Tyler is definitely the only one who is really seeking out ways to take stress off of me. It's been an incredibly tiring and stretching semester... not just because of wedding things. But I have been going through a lot, especially spiritually. So basically if I did not have my mother and Tyler to look me in the eyes and say relax I would probably lock myself away. I am so ready to be home for a few weeks.

The end is in site!

Peace

God has been really good to me. I really thought these weeks would be insane, but he keeps giving me random breaks that I didn't plan on! It's great. I have had several different classes canceled, and do on Friday again, but also tomorrow is skip day! It's great.

I have a lot to do over the next three days, but also a lot of time. I have to get invitations pretty much done by Friday, but I also want to get two big assignments done too. I found out that I don't have a final in one of my classes which is super awesome. I also found out I could change my project so now I have a partner and am doing my project over human trafficking in stead of mentoring which I am excited about. There is also a decent possibility of a good job this summer, but nothing is definite.

We had to make a budget for our premarital counseling and that was interesting... Right now, with the money we make, there is no way we could live off of our monthly wages. But that will be really different this summer, and then different in the fall. So we had to make a budget with numbers that aren't going to work, but they are also not going to be reality for us. It's frustrating and it is stressing me out. I just really want to know if I have a job and what it is. I want to be able to feel peace about it. But the unfortunate thing is that I can't look for peace in being sure because I already know the answer. I have to look for peace in knowing that God will provide. That's really hard for me. But I sure am trying.

John 14:7 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

His plans

I love my Life Application Study Bible. I actually got it for free, and it is the first study bible that I have ever had. Lately I have started using it for my devotion rather than my regular bibles. I am thankful because I have been able to read through passages like this one, which is a favorite of mine, and read the little paragraphs at the bottom and find new encouragement or wisdom from the verses.

Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way

and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,

and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways" declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth.

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."

Isaiah 55:6-11

This is what my Life Application Study Bible has to say about portions of this passage:

"We are foolish to try to fit God into our mold-to make his plans and purposes conform to ours. Instead, we must strive to fit into his plans."

I was encouraged by this because this is where I have found myself lately. I have found myself with a sense of giving up what I want and willfully fitting into God's plans. It's so comforting to find a verse to back up all of the overwhelming feelings I have had lately. I also find much comfort in knowing that God sent me out for a purpose... and if I am willing then I can accomplish that purpose for him, not for me, and return back to him. I can't wait to be with him after having followed him. I just want to make him proud.

Your hands made me and formed me;

give me understanding to learn your commands.

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,

for I have put my hope in your word.

I know, O Lord, that your laws are righteous,

and in faithfulness you have afflicted me.

May your unfailing love be my comfort,

according to your promise to your servant.

Let your compassion come to me that I may live,

for your law is my delight.

May the arrogant be put to shame for wronging me without cause;

but I will meditate on your precepts.

May those who fear you turn to me,

those who understand your statutes.

May my heart be blameless toward your decrees,

that I may not be put to shame.

Psalm 119:73-80

Goodbye my sweet drink!

Okay. This is heart breaking news that I have for you.

I think I have found the source for a lot of my migraines.

For the past couple of weeks I have noticed that I tend to get migraines right after I eat a meal. But I wasn't eating the same thing every meal so I didn't think it meant that I was eating something that didn't get along with my body. But the one thing that I realized was common to the meals that resulted in migraine is no the food... but the drink.

Coke. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Not coke! Pleaseeee don't take it away!! But yet, I asked Tyler to never let me drink it again. For the past couple of weeks- this has been the common denominator. Excessive sugar in general gives me a headache which is why I am not a huge dessert person anymore. Which let me tell ya - that one stinks! It's not that I don't like desserts. I love all dessert. Cake, ice cream, cheesecake, cookies, it's all great. But not when it gives you a headache. Even a small cookie will do it.

Anyway, I feel like if I publicly state that coke will no longer be a regular part of my life, I might actually go through with it. I don't know if it's just because I drink too much (only 1 a day) or if it is coke in general. I guess we will see.

On the bright side, I am marrying Tyler in 53 days. I have never been so excited for anything in my life. Well I am pretty excited about going on vacation with him... Oh and then finally living with him. So so so excited. I don't even know how to describe it. He makes this stressful time in my life so much better. I am so thankful and so blessed!

Oh, life.

Life is insannnee. All I can think about is being on the beach in 55 days. Seriously. I can't even explain how busy life is right now. For the past three to five hours I have literally been on the verge of falling asleep.

I consider making a list of all of the things that stand between me and June 13th... just for the sake of seeing it all out in front of me. But I think for the sake of my sanity... I will refrain. All I can do is take it one step at a time.

So, if you are in the prayer business and think of me, the following things would be worth praying about:

School. Homework is like the last thing I want to do, yet the thing I need to do.

Ministry-which has the following sub-categories

-Dgroup, as we are finishing up this year!

-Homegroup

-Planning girls retreat (which is in a week! Luckily it's going to be veryyyy relaxed this year!)

Wedding planning-there isn't a ton left to do, but it's not all done so it's still always on my mind.

And well Tyler and I. Being engaged is fun. I like doing all of this with him. But there is just a certain point that I reached and I am 100% ready to begin and end my days with him. I am ready to have spare time to share together in a place that we both live. I am ready to stop saying goodbye to him at night, or after class and wonder if I get to see him again that day. I am just ready to start living life together no matter what that means. Luckily I think we handle it well, we aren't terrible stressed. But we are just ready.

My world has been consumed with God. I know that this is how he intended life to be for his followers... but it took me awhile to get there. I have become slightly obsessed with the things that I have greatly disliked in my path... such as waiting, listening, hurting for others... I was shut off to such things for awhile. I took the approach of trying to fit God in to the empty spaces in my life. Now life is about fitting myself in to God's will. I see people and I wonder where their lives will go because they are choosing to try and fit God into their own will. I don't desire that for my own life. God knows way better...

Last night I found myself praying that I could view the world as he does... that each person I see I will see with eyes of love rather than judgment. I even prayed to him that he would take me down the harder path because I am willing. I have no idea what that means, it scares me. But I also know that I have experienced hard things. I have experienced injustice that no person should ever experience. I have experienced heart breaking moments. I know how God has proven faithful and just through those situations. I know how God has changed my heart to reflect his power and glory. I believe that God protects and provides. So as long as he is doing that, I will do what he wants. I also believe that God loves obedience. I believe that when I am obedient, I am following him best. That's all I want for my life.

"I say what I say with no hesitation.

I have what I have, but I'm giving it up.

I do what I do with deep conviction.

Something on the road cut me to the soul..."

Faith My Eyes

There is a song that tends to end up on "repeat" for me. The day I drove myself to Ozark in August of 2007, I listened to this song practically the whole way. When I spent my first holiday with a family that is not my own, I listened to this song the days leading up to it. When I left my family to go to Southeast Asia, I listened to this song almost the whole three hours while I flew to Los Angeles, to then board a plane to Cambodia. And here I am today. I find myself at a moment where I am needing comfort and peace about the fact that I must go, I must move on, I must grow up, I must leave what I know.

My sister, Elizabeth, introduced me to this song. It's called "Faith My Eyes" by Caedmon's Call. This song is all about how it is really hard to not carry on with life at "home". But while it's hard, being in God's plan is more important. It's about how no matter where God is taking us, we will miss home and we will long to be with the people we love... but we will also be in God's plan and in God's guidance... and that's what is most important.

I am glad that I ran into this song again today... This weekend might be a tough one seeing as I won't be going home for easter. Me not going home for a holiday is like... one of the worst things that happens in my life. Okay, I am exaggerating. But seriously. Family dinners are serious business to me. I love it. I hate when my family is gathered in our house, but I am not there. And now I am on my way to marriage so I know things will be changing.. and it is hard for me. But I have to adjust. I am totally up for that challenge because I love Tyler so dearly and would not choose to have life without him. But just like the song, I have a serious longing to be at home. I have a longing to be with those who helped make me who I am, the people that I look like, the people that understand a reference from American Idol season 1 (or any other season), and to be with the people who have loved me for 21 years.

But I know that I am following God's call on my life. Right now, he calls me to College Heights. He calls me to the youth that need older people to help them grow. He has called me to Ozark. He has called me to become a wife of an amazing man in June. As hard as it's going to be to not go home and not celebrate the life of my savior with those who love me so much... I know that God will bless my obedience to follow his call on my life.

What is awesome to think about is that every time I have made this song my prayer, God has honored my decision to follow him. He has given me the most incredible experience at Ozark. He is letting me marry in to a wonderful family, who I am so thankful for. He most certainly changed my heart and my life while I was in Cambodia. I know there is much comfort, peace, and blessing to be had while sitting in the palm of a God who controls all things. I know that no matter where he sends me- no matter how far from home I am- he guides my every circumstance.

"But if I must go, things, I trust, will be better off without me. But I don't want to know because life is better off a mystery. So keep 'em coming, these lines on the road. Keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load. Keep me guessing at these blessings in disguise. I walk with grace my feet, and faith my eyes."

Don't just "be moved"-but move.

I'm just going to be honest, the kids in our youth group are awesome.

Last night I had the opportunity to share some stories of my experience in Cambodia. I not only got to share about the hope that Rapha House has brought to so many girls, but I was able to share about the hurt and injustice that floods the streets- especially in the lives of children.

I expected our kids to care because so many of them already have the global mindset that so many Americans don't have. So I knew that they would care. But I was impressed. Several people asked me what books they could be reading to educate themselves, which was the way in which I educated myself. During the worship after my time to share I had several different girls who just wanted to pray... which was an awesome experience for me. I am not generally up in front so it was awesome for girls to really seek me out and just want to pray about the horrible trade that is human trafficking. But also, one of those girls felt a stirring in her heart for her neighborhood. She told me that she knew of so many broken children in her neighborhood and she wanted to do something about it. I was just so excited that God not only used us to open eyes to show of the hurt in Cambodia, but he even revealed to her the hurt in her own neighborhood.

I am so blessed to have been able to share the greatest passion of mine with high school students who want to do something about it!

Last night I was given the reminder that there is just a whole world out there. There are so many people, so many hurts, so many problems, and so much injustice. But what's crazy about those people who are going through horrific things is that they are just like you. They are just like me. They are just like us. Those girls who are trafficked for sex? They are just girls. They are girls just like the girls you know. If you are a girl- they are just like you. Those families who work all day long for literally no wages because they are stuck in modern day slavery? Those are families. Just like yours and mine. They deserve freedom. They deserve the truth that is found only in Christ. They deserve justice.

Tyler had a great quote that has really had me thinking. He encouraged the youth group that if God was moving in them last night to not just "be moved" but to move. I'm going to start moving.

Lately, the most comforting thought I have had is that God is God. I remind myself that no matter what is going on in my life, the King is still on His throne. He still watches over me. He is guiding me. He is with me. He is still in control of this whole universe. Whether or not I understand what's going on or I understand why things happen-God is still God. He is still creator and comforter. I may not always understand what he is doing, but luckily, I have faith that he is doing what's best for me. I have faith that his love for me remains at the end of every day and because of that- I will be okay.

"If I'm standing on a mountain or drowning in a sea, if I am filled with hope or crying out for mercy, if I'm singing hallelujah or scared to make a sound, if I'm learning how to walk or when I'm falling down, I am saying that you are still my God."

This is confusing.

I am home for spring break, and very confused.

I don't have to be anywhere.

I don't have assignments to do.

I really don't have a lot of wedding to do.

I don't have to work.

So what am I supposed to do?

I haven't felt this free in quite some time...

So these are my plans for the next week (granted I do have some things to do next week):

1. Not worry.

2. Not stress.

3. Not even think about anything.

This post is scatter-brained. This is because I am scatter-brained when I don't have a strict schedule and list haunting me. I rely on organization to keep me sane. So this is weird.

In the past week, I have been able to sigh several sighs of relief:

1. we received a cupcake stand that is PERFECT! so now we can send the yucky one back.

2. we bought lots of vases!

3. we bought lots of flowers!

4. I have my first fitting on monday!!

My biggest stressors right now are not wedding, school, or work. No, that would be expected. My biggest stressors snuck up on me. My biggest stressors are surprising. That is way harder for me to handle than if something that I expected started stressing me out. But I am lucky. I have a wonderful family who loves and cares for me, especially when others do not show me love and acceptance... and I have an incredible fiance who is already proving to me that he will make the best husband and best friend for me. One of the first words I would use to describe Tyler is supportive. I think this is because I need a lot of support. I spent quite a bit of time in my life lacking confidence, but Tyler helps me see me for how much I am really worth and supports me through everything. I am surrounded by great people. So even though my stressors are hard to handle right now, I have to thank God for giving me the people I need to help me.

PS. Do you think that maybe because I am lacking lists, I had to make up for it by making lists in this post? I think there is a good chance. Do I have OCPD? There might be a good chance...

Happy 21st to me!

I just wanted to briefly write about Monday. Monday was my 21st birthday. I decided last week that I would go home the weekend before so I could spend some time with my family for my birthday, but my mom told me on Friday that she and my dad were going to come up on Monday to take Tyler and I out to dinner.

Tyler and I planned on going out, but gladly moved our date since my parents decided to make a special trip (which ended up being good since Tyler has been very sick). For the last five years of my life I have had a birthday party. But- that's just not me anymore. I enjoy a simple setting and didn't really want to do anything high energy. I just want the people who love me most to be with me. So I woke up, went to work from 8-5 just like a typical Monday. Then I waited for my parents to arrive... when they did I was greatly surprised! They brought Lydia and James! So we went to the restaurant and I told the hostess how many people we had but my mom told me that we didn't have 6 people, but there were really 9 coming! So another surprise - Liz, Nathaniel and Grace came!

This was a great surprise... and a very very pleasant one! If you know me at all, you know that family dinners are my favorite. It's always a special treat. There's always very interesting and fun conversation, not to mention the entertaining level has gone up since Grace was born. So each of them making a special trip up to Joplin for me was the perfect birthday. Only two things could have made it better - if Joel were there and if Tyler hadn't been so sick! But other than that, it was probably my most favorite birthday in a long time! It's not that I don't love my friends and want to celebrate with them (which I will on another day, but once again, a small group of 4 people), but being surrounded by the people who mean most to me was just wonderful. I wouldn't have spent it any other way!

So thanks so much to my wonderful mother, father, sisters, brother-in-laws, niece, and fiance for making it the best birthday yet!

On being an introvert...

I am thankful for how God made me. This isn't something I have always felt. But I do now. Over the past few months, I have really began to understand my personality and who I am as a person more than ever before. As a result of this I have become way more comfortable with the personality that God blessed me with. I have learned to start liking these things in stead of thinking they are a bad thing, like the rest of the world tends to think. Here's an example:

I am a major introvert. When I say "major" I mean, major. I mean, 100%. I find absolute joy and restfulness in silence and solitude. I would rather spend a day by myself, or with just one or two other people, than a day full of high energy activity. I would rather spend the evening talking with Tyler than at a party. This is the way I am, and it is not a bad thing. Believe it or not, people do make me feel bad about this. So what if I don't like huge celebrations, even in my honor? In fact, a big wedding scares me. I don't know exactly how I will handle it. I know that I want my church family to be a part of that day, so I opted for the big wedding. But still. People have to be okay with the fact that I am not a loud diva about things that are happening in my life. The people who I am closest to and who love me will always be by my side for the most important moments. That's all I care about.

Especially as a future minister's wife. Some minister's wives are just high energy and extroverted. Over the past year I have ended up very discouraged because I am not like that, I am not the type of person who wants the spotlight. For awhile it made me feel like I can't be a good minister's wife if I am not willing to be front and center. But let's be honest- I have a pretty good example of a minister's wife who does live life doing what God asks of her, but isn't in the limelight. My mother. And there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen how it's okay that I don't want people to always be giving me attention... But no matter how much I am okay with that, not everyone else is. That's the hardest part about learning about myself.

Learning who I am has been quite the journey. It's been a tough one, you can ask Tyler. It's been full of ups and downs and "am I good enough?" "is something wrong with me?" But I have finally been able to come to the conclusion that God didn't mess up when he made me- but he made me this way on purpose. Not everyone has to get energy from being with people. I envy those who can, but I am thankful for my own personality. I like that at the end of the day, I find the most peace in a moment of solitude. I am finally to the place where I truly do love myself because I know that God loves me the way that I am.

It's really tough to learn these things because a part of the process has been becoming more confident and aware of who I am. I don't think everyone is prepared to let me change. I don't see any need to mold myself into who people want me to be anymore... and I think that has already shown to create dissension in my life. But I know that I am being the person who God wants me to be in full confidence that it is a beautiful and wonderfully made person. No matter how many other people come along and make me feel bad, or make me feel like my life isn't as fun because I would rather be with a few close people than at a party, God doesn't feel that way about me. My source of affirmation must be from him or I will never be able to fully love the gifts he has given me.